Children’s game — children’s rules?

“I love my four-year-old daughter, but I don’t like playing with her at all. It’s tiring for me to invent and portray something, ”Alla, 30, admits.

This happens often, psychologist and play therapist Elena Piotrovskaya agrees: “Many parents believe that the game requires them to be active, to work with their imagination. But there is another opportunity to be together with the child!”

Relieve yourself of responsibility

Our approach focuses on something else. An adult is offered the role of a facilitator. He does not need to enlighten, entertain, guide, educate a playing boy or girl.

The task is different — to be near, to see, hear, understand the child. If there is no desire to actively play, there is always the opportunity to remain a benevolent interested witness.

For example, a child invited you to play. And you have absolutely no idea what to do with it. Amazing! You can ask in a whisper: “What should I do?” or “What should a bunny do?”.

Let the child lead. Let him be a screenwriter, a director, a producer, and a guest star of the first magnitude on the territory of the game. You are, at best, a supporting actor.

Such a position also relieves the burden of adult responsibility for children’s play. And allows you to discover the beauty of being with a child in his reality.

How much time is good

Another idea that often burdens parents is that it takes a long time to play. We really don’t have enough time for anything. However, we can almost certainly find 10 minutes. And sometimes even half an hour. This is quite enough.

Another important thing is to put your gadgets aside for this time. Of course, they are very necessary, colleagues, subordinates, management may wish to contact us. But for this short time, the connection with the world is worth sacrificing for the connection with your child.

Give the initiative to the child

And you don’t need to do anything special. Just be with him in the same state in which he is now. Do not approach him with an adult thought about expediency or with estimates, do not try to use the game for your own applied purposes, be sensitive to the wishes of the child.

Take your time, we did not undertake the obligation to catch something in the designated time. The only task is to be together.

Maybe your son just wants to swing on a home swing or hang from a crossbar — and so that his mother can see how he does it. That’s good. Tell him, “You are hanging from the bar. You want me to see it. I see». Your attention, warm tone of voice, kind smile — that’s what matters.

Restrictions

If mom doesn’t want to be a bear (bunny, spider-man), you can say this: “You want me to be a bear now, but I don’t want to. Maybe you can play for him? And I’ll be there.»

Of course, the parent is responsible for the safety of the child. It’s unlikely, but it’s still possible to imagine that a child will climb onto the windowsill and want to be a helicopter. Then mom takes action, limiting dangerous activities.

Well, if you can find an alternative. For example, a child tries to “bite” you by putting a rubber dinosaur glove puppet on his hand. You do not like. You can say, “The dinosaur wants to bite me. But it hurts. A dinosaur might bite my leg (in denim).” Or «Dinosaur can bite the mother doll.»

The way to a child’s heart is through play.

Often parents discover that it turns out that you can just be with your child without bothering. They discover the miracle of the child’s inner life. And this harmonizes relations, because any of us, each person has a need to express himself in his own language. A child does a lot on the instructions of an adult.

As a play therapist, I often see children initially apprehensive about expressing themselves in play in the way that they can. They come to the office, touch the toys — and look at the adult, checking his reaction.

If you give your son or daughter freedom, they will be happy and grateful. And, perhaps, you will find that it has become easier to negotiate with them, there are fewer whims, and you are less nervous. And in general, you and the child will begin to understand each other better.

Should children be given guns?

I respect the pacifist beliefs of adults. At the same time, it does not seem right to me to take away swords, machine guns, and pistols from a child. So we leave him in a situation where he cannot express and respond to his anger, resentment, disappointment: we have deprived him of the means to express these feelings.

Some parents are frightened when they see manifestations of aggression in children’s play. For example, one doll beats another or bears go to war with hedgehogs. Adult fear comes from a misunderstanding: we mix adult reality with a child’s fantasy.

He plays out his internal state using the symbolic language of the game. And we evaluate this plot according to the norms of adult social life. Such an assessment goes back to the understanding of the game as the preparation of the child for life in society. But that is our understanding, not his.

For a psychologist, the battle of bears with hedgehogs is an expression of internal conflict, and not a preparation for a fight between children in kindergarten. And the stronger the child’s internal conflict, the more important it is for him to find ways to resolve it. Play is a great way to do this with symbolic children’s language.

We can, of course, prohibit the child from aggressive games. And then the feelings will go deep. Nothing good can come from this. The accumulated tension will break through not in the game, but, for example, in the behavior of the child. Therefore, there is no need to impose a ban.

Look carefully if there are wars in the sandbox or in a box of plasticine — or if the child shows aggression in real life towards other children or adults, for example, parents. In the second case, it makes sense to turn to a psychologist.

Parents are also sometimes frightened when a child plays something that, from their point of view, is ugly, wrong.

Suppose the son saw a drunk lying in a puddle. This is a strong impression, the boy has never seen people in such a state before, and he expresses his impressions in the game, in the drawing. We cannot protect a child from life. But we can let him express his feelings about this (after all, we remember that everyone needs to be heard and understood).

«Scary» or «disgusting» — this happens in life. If we tell a child “no need to be afraid” or “forget about it”, then he hears: “I don’t need your experiences.”

Or we can say, “Yes, you remember that uncle, how he smelled, what words he said. You were scared, you didn’t like it…”. With our help, the child can face his feelings, understand them and process the impressions.”