Children often find out: «Whose property is this?» — this doll, this gun or this chocolate bar. Indeed, whose is it, if they gave it to me, I lost it, and you found it and fixed it? So what if you gave me your felt-tip pens, I didn’t need them at all!
If the parents do not intervene, then especially among young children, the clarification of this issue takes on a rather wild form: the one who has this expensive property in his hands clamps it tighter and presses it to himself, repelling with words (and then with anything) the attack of the one who claims the same property. Screaming, fighting, the thing is broken or torn, everyone is to blame. And what to do?
Grow up. When the children grow up and become more well-mannered, fights are canceled, negotiations begin: the one who has the property in his hands puts it in a common place when he claims it, or at least stops playing it. Who claims the property, it is not enough and begins negotiations as well. Ownership is no-man’s until both parties agree… The rule: until they agree, the thing is a draw, no one can play it, and this is very similar to the «Stop!»
This is not an ideal rule, it can be used simply to take revenge: “I won’t play it myself, so at least I won’t give it to you!”, But this is already a step towards greater civility.
In the beginning, everything starts with justice, where everyone cares about justice for himself. Someday, when children become quite adults, they will already know what love is, and they will solve problems, thinking about the interests of not only their own, but the interests of their beloved. It seems incredible, but this is true: in good families, children can love if their parents told them about it and set an example for them themselves.
Okay, the kids got it right with each other. And how to figure out between children and parents: whose phone, which the parents bought for the child? Parents can take it away, or, if they gave it, is it already too late?
«Give it, give it! It’s already late, it’s already late, everything is already ours!” all the children scream. Mothers do not like to quarrel with their children, mothers love to please their children, and therefore they, as a rule, agree with their children in this. But in vain. Love is love, and order is order, and if parents want to not only be friends with their children, but also control their behavior, then simply depriving themselves of the ability to control the situation is stupid. Your thing is to control the situation. Not yours — everything, you don’t control it, but if you try — sooner or later you will run into an indignant child: “Give it back, it’s not yours! And get out of my room!” Experienced parents refuse this approach and explain to the children (when they start to rage) that the situation is different and the parents will easily deprive him of any thing if he does not begin to respect family orders.
It all starts at a young age. Here’s two-year-old Lisa screaming, «Don’t touch it, it’s mine!» when someone tries to touch her toys, even if it’s mom or grandma. It is right? Of course not. Children need to know that while they are little, they don’t have «their» things. All things at home were bought by dad and mom with their own money, these are their things. And even if they bought this doll to Lisa, it means that they bought it for Lisa, hoping that Lisa will take care of the doll, play it herself and let her brother or sister play. If Lisa treats the doll incorrectly, throws it away or does not give it to anyone, shouting “This is mine!”, Lisa’s parents will take the doll away.
Children’s property, their own things — those that they made themselves, created themselves or bought with their own money. If this drawing was drawn by Vova, this is his own drawing, and he can do whatever he decides with it. If parents bought an iPad for a child, this is the parent’s iPad, and the child has it only in safe custody.
Any lawyer will tell you this. If people with machine guns come to you and describe your property, they will take the iPad from the child, because according to the law, this iPad belongs to you.
If a grandmother gave a particular toy to a child, you cannot take this toy away from the child: this toy is not yours, but grandmother’s. However, you can prohibit the child from playing it now if it is time for him to do his homework, and not play.
This is the answer to the question: “Grandma gives the child expensive gifts (for example, a tablet), but we don’t really support this. Direct and indirect persuasion not to do this without our consent does not work on the grandmother (she “knows better”). How to be? — The answer is this. Be friends with your grandmother and show her how you all need her, but as for tablets, children can only use them with their grandmother. There is her territory. And in our house, our territory, not grandmother’s, and here our rules apply. If you live completely together, the situation is very acute: you better warn your grandmother that, of course, she can give tablets, but you will take them away from children, so until you agree on a good thing together, you still should not make such gifts .
The more children grow up and begin to contribute to the family, the more and the more things become their property. If you have excellent children, you have the kindest relations with them, the question of ownership is no longer an issue: the children have their things, their room, their own life. Why? Because they have earned this right, and you, the parents, have approved this right for them. Parents decide everything, even the fact that someday our children will become smarter than us.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.