Children on the Internet: Are parents’ concerns justified?

“Recently, a 14-year-old son exclaimed with sincere sympathy: “Mom, I can’t imagine how you survived without mobile phones! – says 39-year-old Ksenia. “And I myself have already forgotten that there were times without social networks and chats.” Those who are over 45 today still remember how they congratulated each other with postcards, wrote letters to dear people, carried a handful of two-kopeck coins in their pockets in order to call a girl (or guy) from a pay phone at any time to a home rotary phone, which will certainly there was a long wire – so that you could retire in the farthest room.

Then e-mail appeared, and it became a rule of good form to have a business card with an e-mail. Heavy cell phones with retractable antennas and microphone covers were all the rage in the 90s, followed by pagers, the forerunner of the text messaging service. ICQ, VKontakte, Odnoklassniki, Facebook, Viber, WhatsApp… For 25 years, a generation has managed to be born and grow up, which did not find the pre-digital era at all.

“Now, if you don’t have a multifunctional smartphone with an operating system, you look at least strange. And if you have a push-button telephone, then you are a dinosaur at all, – jokes the existential-humanistic psychotherapist Stanislav Malanin. – Today everyone chats: at work, with friends, with children. Teachers, doctors, psychologists create groups in messengers. The message flies away in a split second, and the answer arrives instantly, no matter where the chat participants are. It has become part of our daily routine. At some point, we realize that we are starting to choke on the news, and that’s about to explode the brain. And I want to protect the child from this.

Myths of virtual space

Modern children have a different perception and ways of processing information – they have clip thinking, many are not able to read longreads. They scan the entire amount of information and grab what they need. They instantly find the necessary information on the Internet while we leaf through the contents of the encyclopedia from the bookshelf. They understand modern technologies better than us. They live in virtuality and virtuality… “And then we, so wise and experienced, descend from the mountains and say: “Not good”. What exactly is bad? asks Stanislav Malanin. “After all, many of our killer arguments have long lost their force.”

The most common myth is that the screen of a computer or smartphone spoils the eyes. “Modern touch screens have powerful resolution, adaptive backlighting, which changes depending on the light in the room. Something similar to our parents told us – remember this favorite “Do not read in the dark – you will ruin your eyesight”? Eyes get tired: this is the truth. But the reaction to fatigue in an adult and a child is different, ”explains Stanislav Malanin. An adult is aware of certain needs of the body. If our eyes are tired, we can leave the table, move away from the computer, pause, close our eyes and let them rest. What are the children doing? They rubbed them with their hands, blinked and played on. Only from adolescence do they begin to feel what their body wants and asks for. And here it is important to help the child hear the request of his tired eyes and back in time. Help, but don’t forbid.

Other myths are that there, on the Internet, a child will certainly be offended, spoiled, lured into secret groups, or network addiction will begin. But how to distinguish the line between a normal hobby for a computer and a painful addiction? What are the signs to understand that the child is stuck on the Web?

Harmful computer games

Signs of computer addiction, like any other, appear only when a person is deprived of the object of addiction. “In younger children, “weaning” a computer can cause tears. For those who are older – hysteria, an attack of aggression, including physical, in relation to the offender. There are also physiological manifestations – headache, nausea, weakness, depression, mood swings. If a child can turn off a computer or gadget and allow himself to be without it, then it’s too early to panic, Stanislav Malanin believes. But dependent people are not able to live without the object of dependence. And here you can’t do without help – it’s time to see a psychotherapist.

It is believed that computer games breed violence. Whether this is so, journalists and other interested parties discuss after each incident with the murder of schoolchildren by peers. “I would argue with that,” says Stanislav Malanin. – Already in 2002, one of the US government agencies conducted a study. And what turned out: only 12% of child killers were fond of computer games. 24% have read books with scenes of violence and 27% have watched movies with similar themes. Logically, society should have responded to books and films. But they paid attention to the segment that is unfamiliar to them and therefore scary – to computer games. There is no direct relationship between games and cruelty, the psychotherapist is convinced.

“A child needs personal space – real and virtual”

It seems to us that children spend time pointlessly sitting at the computer with headphones on. In fact, they communicate. First in reality, and then they continue to do it on the Web. This is the new form of communication. For them, it is an ongoing process. And to scold him for it is at least strange.

There is a time in a child’s life when he reaches out to his parents, but closer to adolescence, he begins to separate from them. During this stormy period, care should be taken to maintain his trust in close adults. “When a child shares something intimate, not even very good and right from your point of view, you need to suppress the desire to condemn with all your might,” warns Stanislav Malanin. For example, a daughter comes home upset. With difficulty, you find out that her “half-naked photos” from personal correspondence were posted to the public. The usual first reaction is: “How could you send them to someone?” The child feels bad, he was betrayed, made a laughingstock of the Network. No need to finish off the lying. Let him know that he is not alone, that he is accepted with all his mistakes and failures, and not just when he is “correct and successful.” Show your concern: “I see you are hurting, let’s think about how we can fix it.”

“Do not ask trap questions that drive you even more into despair,” advises Stanislav Malanin, “from the “What are you going to do now?” series. If she had known, she would have done it. But you can really help: write to the site administrator to remove inappropriate content. You can check on anti-plagiarism sites where the information has managed to disperse, and write there (the so-called law on the “right to be forgotten” has recently been adopted, which can and should be used). Then, when the daughter or son calms down, it is worth talking about what happened. Explain that under no circumstances should you send your photos, personal information about yourself or loved ones to everyone in a row, and even more so to strangers.

And if the child himself published something unacceptable from your point of view? Many parents like to publicly raise their children on their own pages. “Be prepared that one day you will just be sent to the ban. Before leaving a caustic comment, look at the reaction of the child’s peers. Maybe you didn’t get a great joke, says the therapist. We are often ashamed and afraid where we understand little or nothing at all. In parenting, all our experience is projected onto the lives of children. We know better how to live, what to eat, what to do, how much to play on the computer and what games, what to write on social networks. In fact, often concern for the safety of the child hides our desire for one hundred percent, total control over him. The child needs personal space – real and virtual. And this right must be respected if we do not really want to lose our children.