Anyone who grew up in an atmosphere of hidden or overt violence sooner or later reconsiders his attitude to the past. How to stop blaming yourself for decisions dictated by difficult childhood experiences and take responsibility for the present and future?
Adult children of toxic parents often regret what they did or, conversely, did not dare to do it. They realize how much time and effort they spent justifying other people’s expectations, fulfilling the desires of others. Making decisions to please others, they chose the wrong university, the wrong partner, the wrong style of dress. Refused love, friendship, favorite business.
How to move on when you realize that you can’t return a lot and can’t do it differently? How to endure this bitter truth and how to deal with it?
The goal is to survive
A small child cannot defeat a toxic parent, he is still too weak, and he will be punished for disobedience. Therefore, he does what his mother or father wants. At such moments, the psyche tries to defend itself — the child «forgets» about his «wrong», that is, inconvenient for the parent, desires, and displaces them.
Forgetting about them, we feel relieved — if we constantly remember the sacrifice made, the suffering will never stop. If you “forget” about yourself and obey the will of the parent, then everything will become easier. True, existence will lose color and joy. But there is an opportunity to survive.
A submissive child is less scolded and beaten, he is not deprived of food, he is allowed to walk, sometimes they buy something. It’s a forced but profitable deal. Like in a prison — cooperate with the guards and you will get some bonuses and protection.
survival strategies
1. Symbiosis. The baby is in symbiosis with parents, completely dependent on them and does not know how to live independently. The parent subtly feels the child, and the child also subtly feels the parent and adapts to him.
In the process of «adjusting» to the parents, the child refuses what they do not like. With a good enough mom and dad, he gets love and care in return. In the case of toxic parents, the child refuses the necessary — from his liveliness, spontaneity, attractiveness, independence and talents — without getting anything in return.
The conflict intensifies with the onset of puberty — this happens at the age of 10-13, when natural forces awaken in a girl or boy. Toxic adults are afraid of this and stifle such manifestations by all means in order to prevent the child from growing up independent, so that he remains in symbiosis with them, does not develop, is their servant. Therefore, appearance, interest in the opposite sex, body and independence are subject to repression.
2. Splitting. If the child is pressed too hard, he, as it were, splits his «I», separating from himself the parts that the father or mother do not like. And then forgets about them. They frighten the child himself, because they can cause conflict with the parent. The child is afraid to «remember» them and sometimes even tries to destroy them.
An example of an unconscious decision found by one girl who dreams of skating like Medvedev and Zagitova: “I skate well, and the coach advises me to send me to a good figure skating sports school.
Mom is against it and screams every day, so school must be abandoned. I can skate badly on purpose and stop liking the coach. If it doesn’t help, I might break my leg. It will hurt, but mom will stop yelling at everyone.”
Thank the past, return to yourself
It is worth saying thanks to your psyche that by giving up something, it saved the main thing — mental and physical health. You have grown and developed as best you can with toxic parents. You acted as was necessary at that time and in those conditions. Merging and splitting strategies have helped you survive.
Now is the time to “remember” the “forgotten” desires and dreams, thank the defense mechanisms of childhood and think about new strategies that will help you develop without betraying yourself. The process of separation — separation from parents — in children of toxic parents proceeds in different ways: someone easily discards the past, while someone takes months or years.
Integration — the return to oneself of one’s true self — restores integrity, heals injuries, thanks to it we again feel the fullness of life. We can finally do what we consider necessary ourselves — to live as we want, where we want, with whom we want.