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Those who grew up with alcoholic parents, experienced childhood abuse, or simply grew up in an unhealthy environment often continue to feel different in adulthood. They don’t really appreciate themselves.
Why is there a feeling of inferiority?
In dysfunctional families, children often run the risk of facing psychological trauma. They are exposed to violence or watch it from the sidelines, they are neglected and abandoned by their parents. The child may even end up on the street … Here are some possible options for what could happen to you if you grew up in such a family:
- You were directly told that you are a “bad”, “difficult”, “stupid”, “ugly”, “inferior” child, do not deserve love, all the problems of the family are because of you.
- You were blamed for all the sins, you were shouted at, you were insulted and severely criticized.
- Even if no one told you this directly, you yourself concluded that you were to blame for all the problems of the family — simply because at that age you could not find any other explanation for what was happening.
- You were ignored. Your parents did not pay attention to your feelings and neglected your emotional needs. They didn’t console you, didn’t ask what was bothering you.
- You have been abandoned or rejected. One of the parents (or both) was physically absent from the family (left, went to prison, was absorbed in work, went missing).
- Parents never said that they love you, did not show any affection and kindness.
- You have experienced physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
- You couldn’t feel safe. Even if your parents or guardians did not physically harm you, you still lived in constant fear — perhaps because they suffered from alcoholism, drug addiction or mental illness, did not follow you, drove drunk, invited you to the house potentially dangerous people, made scandals and beat each other. As a result, you were trying to literally “toe on your toes”, trying to keep everyone happy and not aggressive.
“Children who have experienced such experiences often come to the conclusion that something is wrong with them, they are convinced that they are “bad”, “inferior”, “flawed”, since even their own parents do not like them,” explains psychotherapist Sharon Martin.
Feelings of shame and false beliefs
When we are ignored, rejected and not taken seriously, we begin to experience a sense of shame. It is based on the conviction of our deep and fundamental inferiority.
“Living with shame is a constant feeling of alienation and personal failure. It seems to us that we are not good enough to be on an equal footing with others. These experiences isolate us, we imagine that we are completely alone and no one else is experiencing anything like this. Deep down, it seems that only we ourselves are to blame for this, that all our problems are only because of our internal defects, ”says psychologist Claudia Black.
“Probably at some point you decided that it was your own fault that your parents rejected you or hurt you. As a child, this seemed to be the only meaningful explanation — and the only way to survive, because children cannot survive without adults, ”explains Sharon Martin.
We inspire ourselves that we are vicious and unworthy, not realizing that these ideas are based on lies and errors of perception.
Even in the most dysfunctional family, parents give children at least the necessary minimum for survival — some kind of food and shelter. Attachment to parents (or other guardians) is biologically in many ways. We try not to argue with them, obey them and not provoke aggression — just to survive until we can take care of ourselves.
“But in fact, due to life’s problems and troubles, your parents were not able to fully take care of you and show their love. Every child deserves care and love. Now, as an adult, you are able to understand that the shortcomings of your parents are not your fault at all, but as a child it was safer for you (and more logical from the point of view of a child) to blame yourself for everything, ”says Sharon Martin.
As a result, the idea that we are inferior and undeserving of love is firmly ingrained in our worldview. Shame does not allow us to discuss what happened in the family, so our erroneous beliefs continue to be strengthened. We convince ourselves over and over again that we are vicious and unworthy, not realizing that these ideas are based on lies and errors of perception.
How to change the established false ideas about yourself?
Many of us, trying to feel «worthy», become perfectionists and try to please others in everything.
Doubting our own worth, we are constantly seeking the approval of others. We crave to feel needed and important to at least someone. But this way we will never achieve real self-respect, because the words and actions of other people are not able to change our ideas about ourselves. This can only be done by ourselves.
Here are some tips to help build your self-respect and fight shame:
- Allow yourself to grieve over what you didn’t get as a child.
- Learn to empathize with yourself—especially those qualities in you that make you feel “unworthy” or “inferior.”
- Accept your feelings and acknowledge that they are important.
- Don’t be fooled by negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. Ask yourself: “How do I know that this is true?”, “Where did I get such beliefs?”, “Can they be replaced with more productive ones?”, “And if I think so simply because I was told so in childhood?»
- Realize that you are able to make a strong-willed decision to begin to change your ideas about yourself to more positive ones.
- Practice positive self-talk.
- Learn to trust the compliments you receive.
- Sign up for psychotherapy or a support group. This can help reduce feelings of shame.
It takes time to heal childhood trauma and learn to value yourself. Sometimes the task seems impossibly difficult because of the false beliefs and heartache accumulated over the years, but gradual and consistent changes can, over time, give you self-esteem and a sense of your own worth.