Can we pass on to our children the pleasure of life that we sincerely wish for them? Yes we can. But only if we remember that each of us likes his own. Some valuable advice.
The most difficult story: to raise a child so that he can not only understand life … but also get great pleasure from it! A contradiction arises immediately: in order for him to fit into society, adults must inspire him with certain rules. In this sense, every child (like ourselves) falls into a given framework of relationships that cannot be changed – they just need to be learned. But at the same time, his creativity inevitably turns out to be infringed: “Everyone does it, whether they like it or not, that’s the order.” What is there to be happy about? And is it possible to teach children to enjoy life in the same way? “Of course not,” says developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. “What we call pleasure does not obey general laws: we discover the sweetness of life on our own, depending on our emotional make-up, personal history, conscious and unconscious memories, bodily sensations … ”Each of us has our own alchemy of pleasures. We can endlessly describe our impressions: sunrise or sunset, an echo in the mountains, the look of a loved one, the taste of a delicious dish, the beauty of poetry or music … but even those who agree with us will imagine something of their own. The pleasure of another person remains inaccessible to us, even if we like the same thing.
show the way
It makes no sense to inspire our children with delight in front of what pleases us. “How beautiful this symphony (salad, history book, figure skating, mathematical formula, impressionist exhibition…)!” As a result of such suggestion, only clone children can grow up, sentenced (if we strongly insist) to other people’s joys, deprived of the most important thing – their own face, tastes, opinions, originality. But then what can we do? “The role of parents is great, but it does not consist in “teaching pleasure”, but in sharing their own “happiness to be” with the child, giving an example of a conscious and joyful living of the most ordinary things, says Tatyana Bednik. – It is impossible to “teach” a child to love music. But you can infect him with your sincere delight at the time of the performance of your favorite work.
“Seducing a child to life,” conveying to him the power of his attraction to her – according to psychoanalyst Joyce McDougall, this is precisely the role of parents. Indeed, if it is given to us to enjoy life, then most likely we saw in childhood how our parents liked to live and be happy. “Until the age of five, a child’s active emotional development takes place,” explains Tatyana Bednik. – Therefore, it is important that at this time there is a sensitive adult next to him, able to notice what the child is paying attention to, what he is reaching for. The one who knows how to respond to his joys, to live them with him.
We can do it
In order for our children to want to live with pleasure, first of all, each child must be given freedom – so that he has the opportunity to make amazing and inspiring discoveries in all areas of his own life: an unusual dish, new interests, new activities … Naturally, if they do not carry an objective danger or harm.
It is necessary to sincerely respect his choice and his desires – quite possibly, and not completely sharing them. The child has the right to wear green socks, even if the mother thinks this color is terrible.
As they say, “the taste and color” … And we must accept his refusals. Eating vegetables is very useful, but a clear dislike for boiled onions is not punishable by law.
It is important to remember that the child is growing, his interests are changing, and not to criticize him for this: “How is it – you don’t like drawing anymore? You used to love it so much!” It is even more important to explain: what gives us pleasure should not harm other people. You can’t throw “water bombs” at passers-by from the balcony – even if it’s very funny, you can’t pull a classmate by the pigtails – even if she’s terribly pretty … This knowledge will be very useful for our children when they want to create their own happy family. And finally, the most important lesson: we, people, are arranged in such a way that we can not only receive, but also give pleasure to others. Of course, we can eat the whole box of delicious sweets somewhere in silence, alone and without unnecessary stories. And we can share them with friends – and the taste of this generous act will multiply our pleasure many times over.
One day I … began to dance
Svetlana, 43 years old, therapist
“A friend decided to take up oriental dancing and invited me with her. I just went to have a look, I was curious. Although I understood that there was no free time anyway: two jobs, training (I was also involved in tennis at the time), family … But literally a few minutes after the start of the lesson, I realized that I would do it, no matter what it cost me: me I was fascinated by the music, the movements of the dancers, the teacher and the amazing – sunny – members of the group! Of course, not everything worked out right away, but I wanted to dance and perform so much that I found time for both classes and home rehearsals … As a result, after two months I was performing on stage. And that was my first small victory! Dancing for me is always a holiday, relaxation, a change of scenery. I have been dancing for four years, despite the fact that other things require my active participation. Sometimes it even seems that there is no way out and you have to choose: work, family or joy, pleasure … But I left dancing only once, and then only for a month – solely because of the preparation for the thesis defense. Otherwise, I always find the opportunity not to give up my hobby. I can, for example, come to work early or consult a patient on the way to class, I always find arguments to convince my loved ones that I need dancing. This, by the way, is the most difficult: I remember how my husband was upset that I ran away to dance instead of spending time with him … Dancing changed me a lot. My mechanical memory began to work better, I learned to coordinate non-synchronous movements, which are characteristic of oriental dances. But the most important thing is that I was able to agree with myself. The fact is that it is important for me to always be the first and the best in everything. But some members of the group dance better than me. And I was able to accept this situation – if they put me in the second row, I feel quite comfortable.
Recorded by Elena Shevchenko