Children have a conflict: should parents intervene?

Rivalry between siblings is almost inevitable. But what can parents do to prevent it from escalating into open hostility?

Our experts

  • Catherine Vanier, psychoanalyst;
  • Anna Skavitina, child analyst;
  • Alexander Chernikov, systemic family psychotherapist.

“I also really wanted to say not “I”, but “we”

Natalia, 25 years old, coach

“All 12 years, while I was the only child in the family, my mother, father, grandmother and grandfather were at my complete disposal. I was spoiled, I was taken care of, I was surrounded by love and attention. But when my friends proudly declared that they had adult, serious affairs connected with brothers and sisters, it simply fascinated me. How they spoke about them, how they were eager to help, thought and said “we” … I envied them, because I had no one but a cat: with him I showed all the accumulated love and care that I could share. I really wanted a brother or sister. But by the age of ten, I realized that there was nothing to hope for, and I reconciled. And soon after that, I found out that my mother was pregnant. She found out and … burst into tears: she was frightened because she heard that women die in childbirth. All nine months I was very restless: I tried not to upset my mother in any way, not to strain her, all the time I thought if everything was all right with her. And when Sasha was born, she began to actively help. I remember well the feeling that I somehow began to grow up at an accelerated rate! I really liked that they trust me, that I am independent – they began to patronize and control me less, and this made me very happy, because the focus of my relatives on my life began to bother me. Now Sasha is 13. He is the youngest, and he has a temptation to use his position, but even when he was very small, he showed brotherly care for me – he helped carry heavy bags. We value each other very much.”

Recorded by Elena Shevchenko

Read more:

  • How to help your children?

“They love each other and never quarrel – how lucky I am!” “And I can’t move away even for a minute, they fight all the time!” Two poles, between which there are all shades of brotherly-sisterly relations, which to a large extent depend on the expectations and mood of the parents. The fact that children are jealous of each other is not just normal, it is very important for their development. The reverse situation should alert – when there is no jealousy. As in any relationship, feelings arise between children, both positive and negative. Jealousy helps the child to understand himself, to realize what is happening to him, to determine his needs and desires, to be ready to defend them. If adults are convinced that brothers and sisters should only love each other, children will suppress their negative feelings in order to please their parents. It is clear that adults act from the best of intentions. For example, before the birth of the second child, they tell the eldest that when he is born, they will have fun and play together. Alas, there is no reality behind these words: it is impossible to play with a newborn. The first conversation and the right attitude are very important for the future relationship of brothers and sisters. Tell the elder that the baby will be helpless at first, it will require a lot of attention and care from all family members, and only gradually they will make friends and be able to spend time together, our experts advise. Such an explanation is necessary in order to maintain a positive emotional attitude towards the baby – but not to the ideal one that the child imagined, but to the real one. It is very important not to overdo it when describing the merits of the future family member, but try to be objective and sincere with the child. This will help avoid disappointment.

What causes conflict between children? They claim the attention of adults, territory, things and toys. Everyone wants to secure the exceptional love of their parents, to be the best. Dominating another is a way of expressing this unconscious desire. How to behave as an adult? Small children with a small age difference should not be left alone with each other for a long time. On the other hand, they should not be forbidden to feel what they really feel. While acknowledging children’s feelings, adults should teach them to build boundaries by remembering (and possibly revisiting) their own relationships with siblings or reflecting on their experiences as an only child.

They fight for everything

Why is this happening. One of the motivations: to exterminate another in order to remain an only child. Eliminate an opponent who also claims parental love. It often seems to parents that they have done everything possible to make the elder comfortable in the new situation, but if the children are at war, then these measures are not enough. And now the elder is trying to show the younger how bad he was when he was born.

Read more:

  • The Father Who Wasn’t There…

What can be done. At the moment when they are fighting (or kicking each other), the task of the parents is to stop it immediately. Realizing at the same time that as soon as they turn away, the fight will continue. Structurally, it is impossible to correct the situation with bans. It is important to look back and remember what was done at the very beginning to resolve the relationship. Perhaps you should consult a psychologist. Early developed models of relationships between children are quite stable and persist for many years. The younger the children, the worse they are at resolving conflicts peacefully. Improvement may come when the youngest becomes a teenager.

They don’t want to share anything

Why is this happening. For example, the elder is not ready to part with the toys or clothes from which he grew up. This is normal: he has the right to dispose of his property. Moreover, it is important that he has this right – to give or not to give, to share or not. So we teach him to take care of his own interests (and not just the desires and interests of others). Another situation: striving for equality of children’s rights, adults sometimes treat them in exactly the same way, which causes a spirit of contradiction in them and kindles the desire of everyone to be unique.

What can be done. Parents can give the thing of the older child to a brother or sister, but only after discussing the conditions with the “owner”. If the thing is common (one book or toy for two), then first one plays (reads), then the other. If an object becomes a cause of conflict, it is better to remove it away until the children (namely the children, not the parents!) Come up with a way to negotiate. If adults begin to manage this situation, children do not learn to find a way out, but all the time they run for help or organize conflicts specifically in order to attract attention. And in this dispute they are no longer sharing a toy, but their parents.

They are inseparable and never quarrel.

Why is this happening. This is often the case with twins. But no matter how happy the parents are, such relationships have a minus: children do not acquire individuality, each considers the other as his own half, without which he cannot do.

Children with a difference in age may also seek to merge. This is not a cause for concern if they communicate not only with each other, everyone has their own friends, separate interests. Another situation: children suppress aggression, jealousy and rivalry in order to please their parents: “Look, I can be good with him (her).” The purpose of this behavior is to get praise and be the winner in the end.

What can be done. The task of parents is to help children avoid difficulties in the future (and for this, in particular, to teach them to build relationships with others). That is why it is important to breed twins, if not in different groups of nurseries and kindergarten, then in different classes of the school. If aggression is suppressed only because parents react painfully to children’s quarrels, adults should think about their own perception of conflicts: why don’t they want children to sort things out? Is there a desire in this to show others a “model family”? Accepting negative emotions means freeing children from the need to demonstrate only good relationships.

Read more:

  • How to avoid childish jealousy? 5 tips

They snitch on each other

Why is this happening. The goal is to get first place in the heart of parents at any cost, demonstrating to what extent the other is not worth being loved. The child’s lack of confidence in himself (in his talents and skills) can also contribute to this: he will try to assert himself at the expense of his brother or sister. Some parents, more or less consciously, build a comparison-competition system that encourages children to snitch on each other. Or the children suddenly have a reason to start actively sharing their mother – for example, if she involuntarily began to pay more attention to one of them.

What can be done. Do not support this game and explain to the children that it is impossible to tell a snitch. Say that you do not need to learn from someone about the shortcomings or antics of a brother (sister). This approach will calm the child and put him in his place: parents are strong and fair enough not to entrust children with “dirty work”.

Read more:

  • Take your child to a psychologist?

Try not to compare brothers and sisters so as not to provoke unhealthy competition and rivalry on the verge of hatred. And so that they stop dividing you, try to allocate personal time for each of them: on Mondays, go only with the elder to the skating rink, and on Tuesdays – only with the younger to music and drawing.

They ignore each other

Why is this happening. The child wants to live as if he is the only one. Fantasizes that the other has disappeared or never existed. Or children feel that their parents cannot stand quarrels and shy away from communication in order to avoid conflicts. In this case, they lose a lot: in the company of siblings, each child has a great chance to learn to adapt to difficult situations, to be in touch with their feelings, both positive and negative, to be able to work in a team, find compromises … What, they will definitely come in handy in life.

What can be done. As with inseparable children, parents should consider how they themselves deal with conflict. Perhaps they are hostages of too strict restrictions that were set in their family, in childhood: for example, they were not allowed to argue or quarrel …

Try to spend more time with your children, create closer ties in the family, interact, communicate, appreciate common joys and laughter. A safe environment will help you learn not to suppress your desires and not be afraid to express them.

One leads, the other obeys

Why is this happening. The defiantly obsessive behavior of the elder towards the younger – the desire to hug him, take care of him in everything, educate him – can be caused by the desire to show his “goodness”, portray love and hide negative feelings, pretend that they do not exist. Playing the role of a parent with his brother or sister, the child is trying to regain the place he dreams of – the only one in the family.

What can be done. Thank the elder for help and care and remind him who the mother is here. Say that you yourself will do an excellent job with your duties, and he has his own tasks: school, games, friends. So you will return to the child his childhood, his part of life. If you have to ask the elder to look after the younger, it is useful to conclude a contract with him so that he receives some kind of bonus from these duties (actually not very suitable for him).

When a family has one child

Growing up alone is an experience with a risk to life … in society, says child psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto. And he advises parents to make sure that the child does not feel isolated*.

Don’t fall for stereotypes: no, the only child does not necessarily grow up as an egoist, lonely or withdrawn.

Don’t make him grow up too soon, laying on him a great responsibility and loading duties unusual for children. He must live the life of a child.

Keep the family open, invite his friends to visit: an only child may not have enough communication.

Avoid forcing his intellectual development to the detriment of emotional maturity.

Protect your own intimate life: closeness in the relationship between the child and parents does not mean that he can be involved in the couple’s life. Generational boundaries must be respected.

The child does not have to like, do not make him a hostage to this desire.

Control pressure: the only child has no one to share the burden of your expectations.

* F. Dolto “On the side of the child” (Rama Publishing, 2013).

Leave a Reply