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How to respond to the (first) manifestations of childhood sexuality? To not pay attention? Stop? Enlighten? Comments of a child psychologist.
The article was created specifically for the joint project PSYCHOLOGIES and the UNESCO Office in Moscow “Territory of TEENS: a guide for parents of adolescents.”
At this age, adults form in the child the ability to hide, inhibit, suppress manifestations of sexuality, but nevertheless, all parents are faced with the interest of a son or daughter in sexual matters, with manifestations of their sexuality. What is the best way to react to this? To not pay attention? Stop and punish? Sexually enlighten? Comments by child and family psychologist Igor Dobryakov.
genetic program
Already at the fusion of the sex cells of a man and a woman, a genetic program for the development of a certain sex in a new person is set. However, during the first month of intrauterine development, two reproductive systems develop simultaneously: both male and female. In the body of a boy at the end of the first month of intrauterine stay, substances appear that destroy the female system; at the same time, hormonal support for the development of the male system occurs. In the body of a girl, the male system simply gradually ceases to develop and later completely disappears; the developing system of the female genital organs does not require special hormonal support. So any violation of the activation of the genes responsible for the development of the reproductive system leads to the development of the female body. Between the fourth and sixth months of fetal development, the fetus’s own glands begin to produce sex hormones. Once in the brain, they determine, with further development, the structural features of the brain characteristic of a particular sex.
New interaction experience
From about the age of 3, when self-awareness arises, the child begins to be increasingly influenced by factors of the social environment and culture. The founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, for some time was of the opinion that after the anal phase, there comes a slight decrease in the rate of sexual development, a restraint on the manifestations of sexuality. According to Freud, it may not be due to physiological processes, but arises as a result of the restrictions and inhibitions that society imposes on the child. This is confirmed by many studies. For example, famous Australian sexologists Ron and Juliette Goldman, based on numerous surveys conducted with 800 children five years and older from around the world, argue that they have an interest in gender issues and is constantly growing with age*.
The first signs by which a child distinguishes representatives of different sexes are clothing, hairstyle, and demeanor. Parents, as a rule, dress the child, buy toys according to his gender, encourage certain reactions and behaviors and scold for others (“Girls don’t go disheveled”, “Fight like a boy!”, “Boys don’t cry, don’t roar like a girl !”). After 3 years, there is a need to communicate with peers, a desire to play together (before that, communication in the sandbox can be reduced to the fact that one takes the scoop from the other). Closely communicating with their peers, children sooner or later realize that boys and girls differ from each other not only in clothes and hairstyles.
Most often, children experience a real shock when they discover that boys and girls write differently. From the point of view of motor skills, coordination of movements, girls at this age are in no way inferior to boys, and sometimes even surpass them. Both are very proud of their achievements and periodically call on adults to acknowledge their success (“Look where I climbed!”, “Look how I’m spinning!”, “Look how far I jumped!”). Boys are also very good at writing. Noticing that girls pee while sitting, they experience a surprise similar to that which arises in girls at the sight of a boy pissing while standing. Finding such an ability, the girls are surprised, they also try to write while standing, but they are very bad at it. Sometimes they perceive such an “advantage” of boys as an injustice. It is these discoveries that cause an increased interest in the structure of one’s own and someone else’s body, in the genitals, in the secret of birth. Interest is manifested in relevant issues, in peeping, serves as a motive for organizing joint games for boys and girls, accompanied by exposure, examination of each other’s genitals.
The realization that the genitals of boys and girls are arranged differently leads to the development in children of the shame of nudity, an amazing and only human mental phenomenon. As the child grows, the manifestations of the shame of nudity change, become more defined. However, already during the first games with exposure in front of a peer of the opposite sex, the child has strong feelings. The sexual games of children are of a secret nature, imbued with disturbing erotic experiences. Children are very afraid of being caught during these activities. And not in vain. Adults, as a rule, experience negative emotions and confusion in such a situation. If the parents caught the child playing such a game, you should interrupt it and express your negative attitude to what is happening, but without strong emotions, so as not to scare the child. This will help to strengthen the bodily boundaries, which is necessary for normal psychosexual development. Such nude games usually do not last long and end when the child’s curiosity is satisfied.
Igor Dobryakov – Candidate of Medical Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Child Psychiatry, Psychotherapy and Medical Psychology, North-Western State Medical University. I. I. Mechnikov. Member of the editorial boards of the journals “Perinatal Psychology”, “Issues of Mental Health of Children and Adolescents”, “Children’s Medicine of the North-West”. Author of dozens of scientific papers, as well as co-author of the books “Development of a Child’s Personality from Birth to a Year” (Rama Publishing, 2010), “Child Psychiatry” (Peter, 2005), “Psychology of Health”.
Sexual games of small children
According to research by American scientists based on the testimony of parents, 76% of boys and 83% of girls of preschool age took part in sexual games *. In most cases, partners in such games were brothers and sisters. If the difference in the age of brothers and sisters is large, then the elder is the initiator of the games. Sometimes the younger one is forcibly involved in such a game or agrees to participate in it for some kind of reward (a toy, sweets). If the age difference is small, then participation in sexual games can be voluntary and in suitable conditions (for example, a bedroom for two) they can last a long time, take on an increasingly brutal character.
As a rule, all children participate in such sexual experiments, but when brought up in a harmonious family, such games are rather episodic. A child brought up in an atmosphere that stimulates his sexuality (the ability to observe the sexual behavior of adults, their sexual interest in the child, the availability of pornographic publications, porn films) tends to regularly organize sexual games, involve other children in them, complicate games up to attempts to commit sexual acts . Such children have an increased risk of becoming a victim of porn dealers, pedophiles.
Inconvenient Questions
Children’s questions about sexuality can cause confusion. Answering them is not as difficult as it seems. It is enough to speak calmly, frankly, seriously, clearly, briefly, without embarrassment and without accompanying the answer with laughter and jokes. If a child asks his mother: “Where did I come from in your stomach?”, You can say to him, for example: “My dad and I loved each other so much, we wanted a child so much that our two cells merged and you began to grow in my stomach …” It is also possible to continue the dialogue:
– How did I get out of there?
– There is a small hole in the bottom of the woman’s abdomen. When the child’s stomach becomes tight, it expands, and the baby is born into the world. We were so happy when you were born! You were so nice and funny. I didn’t know anything and didn’t know how …
Sometimes (but very rarely) the child may want to look at this hole. But since he already has ideas about feeling shame, he will be fine with the answer: “It’s impossible. Do you know that there are places on the body that are embarrassing to show?”
Interest in the opposite sex leads to the establishment of special relationships with those very close family members that children are not ashamed of yet. Girls of this age really want to please their dads, it is important for them to hear how beautiful and loved they are. Boys at this age are imbued with a special relationship to their mother, as she is the closest and dearest woman to them. Many boys say to their mother: “When I grow up, I will marry you!”, And they get the answer: “I am already married.” It is necessary to treat such confessions very carefully and with respect, to avoid irony and ridicule about the fact that children are in love with someone or someone loves them. To convey such words to other people, to discuss with them the feelings of the child means to show disrespect to him: he may be offended, withdraw and will no longer trust his parents with his experiences.
Risk areas
If a child feels that they are dissatisfied with him, that he does not justify the hopes of his parents, if his parents constantly quarrel with him, and their educational methods are incompatible with each other, then the child is very anxious. At the same time, rivalry relations may arise between the child and the parent of the opposite sex: the father may begin to be jealous of his wife for his son, the mother may become jealous of her daughter for her husband. Such situations are situations of risk of violations of the psychosexual development of the child, as they will impede the processes of separation (separation) of the child from one of the parents, worsen his relationship with others. In the event of marital disharmony, a mother or father, experiencing sexual dissatisfaction, a lack of positive emotions, will unconsciously compensate for them at the expense of a child of the opposite sex, thereby preventing the formation of his bodily boundaries. So, for example, a mother may prefer to sleep not with her husband, but with her son, not to reckon with his bashfulness in the bathroom:
What didn’t I see there? No need to be ashamed of me, I’m a mom!
Harmonious relations in the family, a warm emotional atmosphere, an attentive, respectful attitude towards children, satisfaction of their thirst for impressions are the key to normal psychosexual development.
* R. Goldman, J. Goldman «Sources of sex information for Australian, English, North American and Swedish children». Journal of Psychology, 1981, № 109.
* W. Masters, W. Johnson, R. Kolodny “Fundamentals of Sexology” (Mir, 1998).
The article was created specifically for the joint project PSYCHOLOGIES and the UNESCO Office in Moscow “Territory of TEENS: a guide for parents of adolescents.”
The information and materials contained in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views of UNESCO. The authors are responsible for the information provided.