It’s time to stop blaming mothers for the problems created by fathers, says blogger Jessica Valenti. She examines the American reality, in which men spend almost half as much time caring for children as women. Most likely, in our country the situation is even worse.
One of the most pernicious myths about motherhood is that having children will ruin your career. We, women, are popularly explained that we need to choose between work and children, or we will have to balance for years in order to combine one with the other. I will tell a secret to those who are not too interested in circus art: career and personal achievements are hindered not by motherhood and children, but by men who refuse to take on an equal part of the responsibilities.
If husbands did half the chores around the house, believe me, you and I would build dizzying careers. But to do this, we need to abandon harmful stereotypes about the sacrifices that a working mother must make. It’s time to talk about the fact that a partner who shirks household chores interferes with success.
Research shows fathers still have more free time
Yes, American men today do more than their fathers: they spend about 8 hours a week caring for a child, 3 times more than in 1965. It should be borne in mind that the figure is called by men, and they, as you know, tend to exaggerate. However, “doing more” does not mean doing enough. Progress is being made, and yet mothers still spend almost twice as much time caring for their children: 2 hours a week. Far from all care can be quantified, mental work requires the most effort. Let’s say you can agree on which of you dresses the child in the morning, and who collects his lunch. But someone also needs to remember which day the class will go on a field trip, which means that they will need to pack another snack, or that it is time to buy new underwear or sneakers. How many fathers do you know who will accurately tell you what size their child’s feet are?
This «invisible» and immeasurable work usually falls on the shoulders of women, and they rarely think about how this affects their career. Just imagine that you no longer need to keep in mind a shopping list or a date for a visit to the dentist, how much space will be freed up for creativity. For most mothers, the opportunity to meditate is a real luxury.
Research shows that fathers still have more free time. The former spend it on hobbies and recreation, the latter on cleaning and children. And this again directly affects the career: it is known that those who have more rest and are engaged in creativity demonstrate better performance. Throw in the «fines for motherhood»: it’s harder for mothers to find work than women without children, and they get paid less. A 2017 study found that the wage gap among women is directly related to whether or not they have children. With men, the opposite is true: fathers get more. Discrimination against mothers has not gone anywhere, and they have to make incredible efforts to achieve something.
It’s time to start fighting it. The fact that men pay less attention to children is well known, but few people condemn them for it. We keep hearing that caring is just more feminine.
Let’s stop saying that motherhood slows down a woman’s career.
Personally, I don’t take much pleasure in having to remember that my daughter needs a new scrunchie or that she’s outgrown her old sandals. I also don’t feel much joy from changing a diaper and having to cut my nails. But if we take full responsibility for these responsibilities, it is not surprising that when a child comes to school in shoes that do not fit, they look at us with disapproval, and not at the father.
It’s time for men to stop thinking that women take on most of the responsibilities just because they like it. We do this because we are expected to do so and will be judged if we choose to neglect our responsibilities. The main thing, because it is difficult to find a partner who is ready to take on half the work.
So let’s stop saying that motherhood slows down a woman’s career. It’s not about the institution of parenthood and children. There can be no equality at work until there is equality at home. Not because a woman cannot get everything at once, just a man is not ready to play on an equal footing.
Source: medium.com