If there are several children in the family, they often quarrel among themselves. Someone teases someone, he sticks, this one interferes. Offended, fought, called names. What to do?
Forum question:I have two wonderful children — my son is 14 years old, my daughter is 11. One problem is that they can’t put up with each other. Constant disputes, quarrels, conflicts. No measures help. Can something be done, or will it pass?»
“First of all, this is how it goes. Secondly, you can not wait and do a lot. This situation can be used to raise children so that they quickly become smart and adult, responsible people. I will suggest several solutions, in different situations different things will help you. But you should always start with the Stop Rule.
The rule is formulated for children: “If you don’t like that someone sticks to you and interferes, you can and should say:“ Stop, don’t interfere! and repeat: “Rule Stop” After that, no one will pester you, because you warned me and then I decide the issues. At the same time, if you said “Stop, stop rule”, you should look at the clock and do not approach each other or talk to each other for 5 minutes. Understandably? Repeat! The rule is not very simple, but soon the children understand its essence and the phrase “Stop, don’t interfere!” — are learning. What does this lead to? The results are positive but unexpected. See →
Who should clean the room?
Imagine a situation where there is a mess in the room, and none of the children wants to take responsibility for this — everyone strives to push it onto the other. How to be?
Decision No.1
“I don’t care which one of you is to blame for the mess. Tidy up together! Until you clean it, you can’t do any other business.”
Decision No.2
«Children, come to me! Listen to my command: in front of me, in height, stand! Attention! At ease. Order on the distribution of duties. Order in the rooms: for the order in each room a senior is appointed. Duty: you are responsible for the order in your room. To eat, to leave the house and go to bed in the room should be in complete order. What is the full order, let’s take a photo. As the head of the room, you have the right: you can not let into the room to play the one who makes a mess in the room and does not help you. Whoever did not clean is punished with deprivation of the territory: his room goes to the one who cleaned it.
Decision No.3
If the room is a mess, the children themselves cannot agree, mom or dad comes with a black bag and collects all the things that are in disarray in a black bag. Children do not need these toys — we remove these toys. Children of these toys are deprived!
Decision No.4
The most primitive. “If you don’t clean it in 10 minutes, you will be left without a cartoon today!” But to reward a cartoon for cleaning the room is the wrong decision.
Solution #5.
The worst punishment for children: a kind conversation about what happened. I collect children: “Children, come to me! Shalban to the one who ran last. Get up, you are on the right hand, and you are on the left. We play Chingachkuk, this is such an Indian who knew how to keep a straight face and knew how to be silent, no matter what happened. You play the role of the Indian Chingachkuk, and you tell your version of what is happening with you and why you won’t remove the toys in any way. And one tells me what happened. Clearly, concisely. Practice speaking. And the other is indignant that, they say, you’re lying. And I told him: “The Indians are silent. Practice calm presence. Then they switch roles. Understood. After that, I ask how they will deal with such issues in the future. We listen to one, then the second.
And time goes by… They would like to play … But we don’t, we all talk kindly. After a while, they hate everything in the world, they only dream of how to get away from such a kind mother or such a kind dad as quickly as possible. Therefore, when we offer them to make peace and quickly clean everything up, they clean it up together and at supersonic speed.
Solution #6.
«Children! I have a message of the utmost importance for you. Came here. They stood with their backs to each other. We don’t touch each other’s backs. We listen. I’m reporting that the room is in disarray. Either you will clean everything up in three minutes, or we will start playing Chingachgook Indian. What is your correct decision? In this case, children always choose the right solution.
Solution #7.
And finally, the most general solution that can be used well in reasonable families where children are already brought up. Namely, «The elder is responsible for the younger.»
From a certain age (in different families in different ways, somewhere from the age of 4, somewhere from the age of 14), the elders can be instructed to follow the younger ones and be responsible for them. “So, we are leaving, you are left without us. I appoint Nikita as the elder, everyone obeys him. Nikita, you are responsible for order so that everyone stays alive, eats and cleans up after themselves. Can you handle it? Any questions?»
Why will the elder keep order and be responsible for the younger ones? — He is given status and rights, the younger ones are now obliged to obey him. Can one child control the other? — As a rule, yes. Children understand each other sometimes more effectively than adults do. Nikita will cope, everything will be in order, plus he tries on the role of a senior, the role of a teacher, learns responsibility.
For example, what to do when there are two children and they start bickering, shifting responsibility on each other?