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It is believed that with the birth of a child (and even more so the second, third), passion subsides. Can parenthood strengthen the union of two? Yes, if they keep the space of intimacy that belongs only to them.
Previously, when the family simply had no choice — to have children or not, and family life had unconditional value in society, unfortunate spouses who were not lucky with each other could only bite the bullet and endure «for the sake of the children.» But today, in an era of individualism and a hedonistic attitude to life, everything has changed. For us, the main thing was to reveal and realize all the abilities and qualities that we possess. This reprioritization has radically changed our understanding of marriage. Now we live together for love, seeking to enjoy the relationship. The child appears as a continuation of this union, its highest manifestation.
“Children become a family project, part of the future of their parents,” confirms psychoanalyst and family therapist Serge Efez. “They are another incarnation of a couple.” The only trouble is that the appearance of a child is also a return from heaven to earth. The beautiful narcissistic love of the two is suddenly invaded by the cries and desires of a small family member who demands very much attention.
Birth test
“The notion that the birth of a child must undermine the relationship in a couple has arisen quite recently,” continues Serge Efez. Therefore, young parents are lost, not understanding how best to cope with the new situation. “They really have to realize that the structure of the family is changing: from a dyad, it becomes a triangle,” states family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “Although the new state is objectively more stable, the emotional and physical distance between the spouses is still increasing.” It is more difficult to survive this period for couples, which Serge Efez calls “mirror”.
At this time, sexuality becomes a particularly fragile area of relationships and needs to be protected.
“They are in love, full of passion, but their relationship is based on mutual narcissism, on admiring each other,” he explains. “And for them, the birth of a child becomes a shock, because it creates something different, new, different from their unity.” The separation occurs in several senses at once: not only “this is the parents, and this is the child”, but also “man — woman”, “father — mother”. And then, according to Serge Efez, «the mirror whole of this pair shatters into fragments, or, in any case, runs the risk of shattering.»
“A family cannot be static, unshakable and unchanging,” recalls Inna Khamitova. “And whenever there is a change, she needs to adapt flexibly to new circumstances.” Today, many couples understand better that the arrival of a child is a kind of challenge, a test for their relationship. And in order to safely pass through it and continue the journey together, their connection must change: they must give place in it to the desired third.
keep making love
But you also need to preserve the erotic dimension of your relationship. “It is known that after the birth of a child there is a slight decrease in sexuality: this is provided by nature,” explains sexologist Naida Dobaeva. “But tenderness, warmth and care for each other remain, which help the couple maintain desire.” At this time, sexuality becomes a particularly fragile area of relationships and needs to be protected. Quite often, experts warn, the lack of sex in a couple with a small child becomes a harbinger of a breakup.
“Some begin to call each other only “dad” and “mom”, as if emphasizing that their parental roles have become more important than marital ones,” says Inna Khamitova. “But this is a road to nowhere, because the family exists not only for the joint upbringing of children.”
Why does the sexuality of young parents require such attention? “It is vital to maintaining balance in the family,” the psychotherapist is convinced. The child evokes strong positive emotions: he is so wonderful, touching. Mother and father are worried about him, and therefore there is a real danger that they will switch to him, forgetting that they are spouses.
“It is not the child who destroys the sex life of his parents,” Inna Khamitova clarifies. “But one partner can use his appearance as an excuse to move away from the other.” There is a great temptation for a woman to give herself entirely to her new relationship — between mother and baby. And for a man, this means that she leaves their former common sensual space.
It is sexuality that helps to recreate the relationship of the two. “No matter how pleasant bodily intimacy with a baby is, it cannot and should not replace intimacy between spouses,” warns Inna Khamitova. In such a stressful time for a couple, maintaining a sexual relationship sometimes requires a conscious effort, especially from the woman. However, many expect everything to happen by itself, or blame the partner for the difficulties.
“Take the first step yourself,” advises Naida Dobaeva. “It is not necessary to immediately seek sex: in intimate relationships, we first need to feel warmth and trust.” Inna Khamitova agrees with her: “Spend more time together, in joint joys, giving each other pleasure.”
This pleasure is important not only for the spouses, but also for the well-being of their child: when two people maintain a love relationship, are busy with each other, he has the mental space necessary for growth. As the famous psychoanalyst Françoise Doltot said, «Children flourish as their parents rediscover each other’s love.»
That is why it is important for spouses from time to time to use the opportunity to «escape» somewhere to be only together, at least for a couple of hours — this is the best thing you can do for yourself and in the interests of your child. After all, the best parents are happy, fulfilled adults. Man and woman.