Children are friends: this is serious!

“Yesterday I pick up my son from kindergarten – he is in tears. It turns out that Seryozha, a boy from his group, became friends with him! – says Daria, the mother of 5-year-old Danila. – I consoled him, assured him that they would reconcile. And I thought to myself: in three days you will forget about Seryozha, you will already find a new friend! What friendship they have at this age! Today one friend, tomorrow another, the day after tomorrow the third … ” Indeed, childhood friendship is short-lived, and the choice of another comrade is sometimes inexplicable and as if accidental. It is difficult for adults to take relationships between preschoolers seriously: it seems that this is a “make-believe” friendship, like everything else in children’s games.

Child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova does not agree with this: she is sure that the choice of a friend is not accidental. “Even in a group of sliders, you can see that one child has a strong sympathy for another. In older children, real attachments are quite possible. And during separation (for example, in connection with a move), the child can get bored and constantly remember his little friend. And by the age of six, friendship as a stable feeling is quite obvious. But why is childhood friendship so fickle, and how should adults deal with it? “As a very significant phenomenon in the life of a child,” says psychoanalyst Daniela Bran (Danièle Brun). “It is precisely because of its variability (and despite it) that it allows boys and girls to explore different features of each other and, more broadly, human relationships.”

Go out into the world

I will forever remember the confused face of my son on his first day in kindergarten. He was accustomed to the company of parents and a nanny, and there were so many new faces around! I saw how difficult it was for him to let go of my hand every day and be alone among other people’s children and adults. But a week later, as soon as he entered the kindergarten, he rushed to show a new toy to some boy, and I realized that my son no longer feels lost. So, he, without my help, will cope with a new situation for him. “We are always friends for something, but above all – in order not to be alone,” confirms Daniela Bran. When a friend is around, the child feels more secure among children, it is easier for him to cope with anxiety and insecurity.

In addition, in order to grow up and later separate from the family, he needs to understand that it is possible to love not only parents, brothers and sisters, but also other people. “Friendship is a special feeling,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – In relations with relatives, there is always more care for each other. It does not exist in children’s friendship (or this care is initiated by adults, and not by the children themselves). For a child, a peer friend is, first of all, a person with whom you can share your joy and experience it together, with whom it is easy and good to play and do something together. And here even the best parents cannot compete with their child’s friends. Relationships in the family and relationships in friendship are completely different – they do not replace each other. “Even friendly relations with parents are still hierarchical,” explains child psychologist Irina Mlodik. “And small children communicate with each other on an equal footing. In addition, by the age of four or five, a child’s relationship with his parents is already established and does not hide surprises. He knows his relatives well and understands that they will not go anywhere from his life. Relations with other children, on the contrary, are unpredictable and, perhaps, short-lived – therefore, they must be built every time, invested in them, cherished. Look from the side – the kids are just playing together. But in fact, for them it is not just fun, but real mental work.

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• Children’s friendship

“I” and “not-I”

Young children are egocentric: they do not yet know how to put themselves in the place of another or accept his point of view. They take the fate of the fairy-tale hero to heart, not out of kindness, but because they directly identify themselves with him*. Communicating with friends, they gradually learn to understand and hear other people, take into account their interests, give in and show sympathy. And at the same time learn more about yourself. “For any person, including a small one, the other is a mirror,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – The child notices: my friend can jump like this, and I can do this. He draws a little man like this, and I do it differently. Seeing something in another, he finds it in himself, and through this comparison he begins to understand something about himself. In addition, the child sees himself through the eyes of friends: “Vasya said that I am brave!”, “Katya says that I am beautiful!” – and these opinions also form his self-awareness and self-esteem.

Sometimes children look for similarities in a friend, consonance with themselves. “Such friendship can be long-term, because it is safe for the child,” Irina Mlodik notes, “these children will not quarrel (and therefore hurt each other) precisely because there are no serious differences between them.” But at the same time, it can be boring, because it does not bring with it any special discoveries. “But there are children who are friends not “by similarity”, but “by difference,” continues Irina Mlodik. “They seem to complement each other. Such friendship can be very strong, it enriches and develops them more.”

School of communication

“I won’t go to kindergarten today! Arina is sick, it’s boring for me to play without her!” We often hear similar statements from our young children. A friend for a child is, first of all, someone with whom it is good to play. But play is not just a spontaneous process. “Each of the friends has their own vision of the game, and you need to somehow convey your idea to the other, convince that your idea is better, show will and at the same time not offend a friend, not push away, but interest, captivate. Or, on the contrary, be flexible and go forward. It is in the game that children acquire communication skills,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “And if parents rely on all kinds of developmental activities, the child simply does not have time for games, for friends,” continues Irina Mlodik, “which can be a serious omission for his future. Because it is in communication with peers that social intelligence develops, the ability to understand other people and communicate effectively with them.

Parents should be wary if a son or daughter chooses as a friend only the one who has the “coolest” toys, and relationships with children are built unselfish and unequal. “Some children already at the age of 5–6 easily manipulate their peers,” says Irina Mlodik. “If you don’t give me this toy, you are no longer my friend!” This is very upsetting for children, they are lost, they do not know how to react, how to defend themselves. If this friendship is dear to them, they follow the lead of the little “blackmailer”, and he, once having achieved what he wants, adopts these techniques. In these cases, parents should intervene. The most important thing here is to explain to children their feelings. Explain to someone who is prone to manipulation that you cannot use the good attitude of friends for your own purposes. A child who has been offended is to support, name his feelings and explain what happened between him and a friend. And then delicately observe how the situation develops, and from time to time return to this conversation again.

Children’s friendship is not complete without conflicts, misunderstandings, breaks that can hurt the child. “For a child of five years old, the words “I am no longer friends with you!” Can become a real drama,” explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “Children have everything for real: loss, betrayal, support. Dealing with bitter feelings means becoming a little more mature.” It is important that parents support the child at such moments. They listened, asked what he felt, shared his feelings. But the words “Do not be upset, you will make new friends!” Irina Mlodik considers it inappropriate, as they devalue the feelings of the child. This can give rise to anxiety in him (it turns out that relationships are something fragile, they quickly collapse, and no one even worries about it), a feeling of loneliness and misunderstanding by the closest and wisest people in his life.

Expand horizons

From kindergarten or from their friend’s house, they bring us news. “Imagine, Roma has three sisters and a brother, they have so much fun together!”; “When we sat down at the table, Igor’s dad said that first everyone should pray. Mom, who is God? “Ksyusha says that her dad is unemployed, they have no money and they didn’t give her anything for her birthday!” Friendship is a territory where each child brings their universe and compares it with others, learning more and more about the world outside their home. They are surprised, criticize, approve, correlate their own and others. So little by little our children get to know the world, learn to understand themselves and other people. They grow up and gradually separate from their family.

Their friends may be children from various families. Of course, the child does not think about national, religious, cultural characteristics, social status and financial situation, about different upbringing strategies – he fixes only particulars, little things. But these micro-discoveries are very important. Thanks to them, an understanding gradually arises that other people can live differently, horizons are gradually moving apart, the picture of the world is becoming more complicated. “In this sense, friendship not only enriches,” says Irina Mlodik, “but also develops tolerance, the ability to accept and respect those who are different from me. This is certainly a valuable quality – an interest in another person.

* I. Kon “Friendship” (Peter, 2005).