We divorce and remarry. As a result, families are expanding exponentially. How to build relationships between new wives or husbands and «old» children?
When, after disappointment in our first marriage, we finally meet a worthy partner, we are ready to fall in love again, open up to relationships, a rainbow picture is drawn before our eyes: we all celebrate the holidays together, our children are friends. But the idyll is destroyed along with the first button on the chair and a furious whisper: «Don’t hug my dad.» What difficulties do stepfamilies face and how to move from survival to prosperity, to create a safe loving atmosphere?
Insiders and outsiders
“It happens that you marry an orphan, and you get forty relatives! — says 37-year-old Melania. — At the auto party, I met a brutal guy with a sexy voice, we immediately liked each other and after a couple of months we were living together.
One evening, our hugs and kisses broke persistent messages — Andryusha, the 15-year-old son of my beloved, arrives. The partner explained that Andrei is cheerful and active, he will not sit in the apartment, we will show him Moscow, we will go to the climbing wall.
I don’t like sports very much, so I decided to stay at home. When the “boys” returned, they laughed and chatted all evening, but they simply did not pay attention to me. And I felt like an outcast, a stranger from another world.”
The problem is typical of extended families: while the children are happy to communicate with the birth parent, the adoptive parent feels abandoned
He cannot become part of an already established family in an instant. And his partner (insider) feels confused and does not know what to do.
“It seems to us that it would be best to spend time together, this will help children and foster parents get closer. But this is not so, — explains the systemic family psychotherapist Alexander Chernikov. “Communication in pairs will help an outsider feel like a part of the family: separately with a partner, with his own and adopted child.”
Children (out of brackets)
Many «new parents» fear that they will not be able to love a «strange» child. But this is not necessary: if an adult is kind and caring, this is enough.
“Starting a relationship with a partner who has children, we cannot take them out of the equation,” says family psychologist Katerina Demina and suggests recalling an episode from the film “Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears”: the main character has a new partner, Gosha, and demands from her daughter of complete submission, from the first minutes she dictates her own rules. But if thirty years ago this situation looked nice: a man took responsibility, now many perceive such behavior as an abuse.
“Often a new partner begins to demand obedience from a child simply on the basis that he is a second adult,” notes Alexander Chernikov. — However, the excessive demands of the stepfather or stepmother leads to conflicts and can destroy the family. It is better to gradually build friendly relations with the child, and leave the functions of the educator, at least in the first couple of years, to the parent. So the adoptive parent will give himself time to slowly get to know the child, find common interests.
If each of the partners has children from previous marriages, then they will have to solve another problem: how to avoid jealousy between half-children
“I raised my daughter Katya alone until the age of nine and dreamed of a complete family. When Pavel appeared in my life with his daughter Kristina, we decided to live together and put girls of the same age in the same room, recalls 32-year-old Victoria. “But the girls threw surprises at us every day. For example, we found that Christina’s sleeve was torn off from her jacket, and Katya’s nightgown was cut into ribbons.
Hoping to create a big, strong family, we unite children and begin to treat them as common, but this is not so, Katerina Demina warns, referring to her personal experience: “At one moment I acquired six half-sisters and a brother, and with some of I have developed close relationships with them, but not with others. It is impossible to predict in advance whether children will make friends.
And you can’t ask them to. We can only listen to them, respect their choice and understand that every child in the house needs a personal space where he can be alone with himself.
There are no former?
Gone are the stories of mothers about disappeared fathers, test pilots and pioneers of the North Pole. We talk openly with our children about divorce. But some of us still cannot forgive the departed partner, put an end to the relationship.
And then the children become the subject of bargaining: “You will not meet with your son until you pay child support”, “Do you want to take the child on vacation? Are you going with this chicken? Only over my dead body!» Tension between birth parents is growing and can lead to a break.
Sometimes the child himself begins to manipulate mom or dad, he tries to restore the family so that “everything is as before”
So he wins back the secret desires of one of the parents or his own fantasy, Alexander Chernikov believes: “In this case, you need to openly explain to your son or daughter that the relationship in the pair of parents is over, there is no return to them. At the same time, be honest and speak correctly about your partner.”
Often grandparents help to avoid breakups. And even when the parent (more often the father) ceases to be interested in the child, they continue to communicate with their grandson or granddaughter, support them, give gifts and attention. Along with other relatives, they can express their opinion about the upbringing of their grandchildren, but parents are not obliged to agree with them.
Flexible rules
Meeting a family where children are raised by both natural parents is now becoming more and more difficult, notes Katerina Demina. But extended families have become quite commonplace.
Every time we remarry, we create a new family culture, and this process lasts for more than one year.
“Different families have different rules, and there are no rules that are definitely better or worse than others,” Alexander Chernikov believes. “You should not wage an endless struggle and try to defend your habits as the only true ones. We can only adapt to each other and together create flexible rules that will not be dogma.
For example, if one of the partners is accustomed to neatness, cleaning on Saturdays, then it will be difficult for him to adapt to lying things, the smell from the cat’s tray, the ubiquitous wool. He will not be able to bring his son or daughter to an untidy apartment. Will everyday troubles cause persistent discomfort or will the household find a compromise and agree on rules that are convenient for everyone? The future of the family depends on the answer.