Children and death

Forrest Gump’s mother spoke very simply and elegantly about the death of her mentally retarded son. Although Forrest was already an adult at the time of this conversation, this is irrelevant for the purposes of this discussion.

— What’s wrong with you, mom?

“I’m dying, Forrest. Come sit with me.

Why are you dying, mom?

“It’s just my time. My time has come. Just don’t be afraid, dear. Death is just a part of life. It is written for each of us. I didn’t know, but I was destined to be your mother. I tried to be a good mother.

— You did it.

— Well. I have always believed that a person builds his own destiny. You must wisely manage what God has given you.

— What is my fate, mother?

“That you must understand for yourself. Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’ll get. “My mother knew how to explain everything so that it became clear to me.

“I will miss you, Forrest.

She was diagnosed with cancer and died on Tuesday. I bought her a hat with little flowers. That’s about all I can say about it.

I told eight-year-old Masha about the death of my mother, also calmly, briefly and simply:

— Masha, you know that your mother was sick?

— Yes.

“Unfortunately, she died,” I said, looking into her eyes. Masha cried. I sat next to her on the sofa and silently put my arm around her shoulders. She cried for a while, I just sat next to her. Then, sobbing, Masha said that she was ready for such a message:

— I knew it! It’s because she smoked. I told her not to smoke! — For several weeks or months, the girl saw the symptoms of a serious illness in her mother and named some of them. Then Masha began to ask clarifying questions:

“And when did mom die?” How do you know she’s dead? I gave her complete information. Masha is a very smart, very adaptive girl, so then she, like Forrest Gump’s mother, started talking about life, about her future life:

— What will happen to me now? My relatives will adopt me!

— Masha, you should not worry about it, you will not be left without care. As long as you stay with us. After all, we have normal living conditions? They feed you, clothe you, take care of you, provide medical care. Perhaps someone will adopt you, perhaps it will be your relatives. In any case, you will not be left alone without the support of adults.

— How can I go to school?

You will go to school as before. The social worker will make sure that you are admitted to the school. — After talking a little more and quite calming down, Masha said that she wanted to return to the group with other guys.

Tips for educating children about death

When conversing with a child, an adult must be in a calm state and have a calm enough personal attitude towards death so that this calmness is transmitted to the child. If the topic of death causes you great anxiety, then you should find a person who treats this issue in a balanced way and ask him to talk to the child.

The child should also be in a calm, resourceful state. If he is overly excited, upset, physically tired, sick, then it is worth rescheduling the conversation for another day.

It is necessary to create conditions for comfortable communication: silence, the absence of strangers, enough time for a conversation with both you and the child.

It is necessary to give the child simple, capacious, truthful answers to questions related to death. Jerome Bruner:any child at any stage of development can be intellectually honestly taught any subject».

At the same time, it is necessary to maintain a balance in the amount of information provided: you do not need to give extra information, but you cannot leave questions unanswered if they arise. The child will still find information and draw his own conclusions. The only question is how adequate this information and conclusions will be. Once Masha asked another “not childish” question: “Do they take out the intestines of dead people in the morgue?» When she and her mother took away the body of her grandmother in the morgue, she saw the bodies of dead people. Obviously, this was unnecessary information not only for a five-year-old girl, but also for many adults. The mother should have taken care to protect the child from seeing the dissected bodies.

The child does not need to lie. When Masha askedWhat will happen to me now?«and expressed an encouraging idea»My relatives will adopt me!”, I neither agreed nor denied this idea. At that moment, I did not know where it would be transferred, so I did not make unrealistic promises.

The conversation about death doesn’t have to be long. There is simply nothing to talk about for a long time on this topic, unless two philosophers are discussing this issue.

It is necessary to maintain a certain balance in assessing the significance of death. On the one hand, aestheticization, romanticization and downplaying of the meaning of death should be avoided. On the other hand, do not overdramatize this phenomenon, intimidate children. In relation to suicidal people, this means that they should not be perceived and characterized as victims or created in any positive way in order to avoid the spread of suicidal behavior among adolescents. At the same time, the negative characterization of suicides should also be avoided, since a hostile attitude provokes them to repeat attempts.

You need to use active listening techniques, monitor the child’s emotions and note them to establish and maintain contact. It is also necessary to monitor your non-verbal and verbal reactions: they should be moderate, restrained. The words and facts reported by the child should be reacted evenly, without judgment. It is worth avoiding such highly emotionally charged words as “woe”, “sin”, “horror”, “horror”, “hell”, “corpse”, etc.

Having exhausted the topic of death, you need to focus on the topic of life. It can be about the life of the child himself, if the death of his loved ones was discussed, or the lives of his loved ones, if he dies. In the case of the approaching death of the child himself, the emphasis can also be placed on how the child will live the remaining days of his life, what he will do.

Literature

1. Yalom I. Existential psychotherapy. — M.: Klass, 1999.
2. Craig G. Psychology of development. — S.-Pb.: Peter, 2002.
3. Gavrilova T.A. The problem of children’s understanding of death [Electronic resource // Psychological science and education psyedu.ru. 2009. No. 4].
4. Bakanova A. A. Talking about death: some aspects of the professional position of a psychologist // Ananiev Readings — 2014: Psychological support of professional activity: materials of a scientific conference, October 21–23, 2014 / ed. ed. G.S. Nikiforov. — St. Petersburg: Scythia-print, 2014.
5. Memo to psychologists of educational institutions on the identification and prevention of suicidal behavior among minors. [Electronic resource // Child psychology].
6. Andreeva A.D. How to help a child survive grief // Questions of Psychology. 1991.
7. Khoziev V.B., Vasenichev S.A. The theme of «life and death» in the verbal creativity of adolescents aged 14-16 // Cultural-historical psychology. 2015. V. 11. No. 4. S. 30-43.

Have you ever talked to children about death? Was it correct to talk about death with you as a child? Share your experience in the comments.