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The different stages towards the autonomy of the child
We wore it for nine months and gave it life. Between our baby and us, the relationship is first of all fusional. But by opening up to the world, he will distance himself. From birth to entering school, review of the main milestones that he will cross, with our help, on the path to autonomy.
0 to 3 months: he builds his benchmarks
Lying next to you in his crib, your baby is watching you. Coming into the world, he has just left the warmth of a cozy cocoon. This sudden rupture is the first experience of his life. He will then experience many other separations, physical or symbolic, from which he will build himself. At each stage, he will give up part of his baby life to move forward on the path to autonomy.
From the first months of his life, the baby amazes us in many ways: his astonishing abilities, his early adaptability, his curiosity and the speed of his acquisitions make us forget that he remains a very fragile and dependent little being for a long time. . To guide him towards autonomy, it is important to accompany him gently, while respecting its need for continuity, stability and security. To youhelp get off to a good start so that he can live without drama the experiences of separation and loss that will mark his life.
The first months that you live with your baby are essential for him. Totally dependent on you, he builds his sense of inner security from your responses to his physiological and emotional needs. For this, he needs two things: on the one hand, regular days, where you respect his rhythms and his needs for sleep and food, on the other hand, the assurance that you will answer his calls, trying to understand them and console his tears.
The more attentive you are to what he is feeling, the more he will have confidence in you, and therefore in life. It is from this confidence that this basic feeling of security is born, so essential to give your child, later, the desire to discover the world and the confidence necessary to emancipate himself from you.
3 to 8 months: night, weaning … his first steps towards autonomy
After a few months, baby no longer needs to be fed in the middle of the night. But if it doesn’t wake us up anymore, it means much more than that: it is first of all the proof that he has assimilated the day / night alternation. This is his first adaptation to a collective rhythm since his arrival in the world. But it is also a sign that, from now on, he is able to do without our physical presence at night. When he wakes up at night, he knows how to go back to sleep on his own, by sucking his finger for example: the bond built with us is reassuring enough for him to feel safe in his cradle. If he wakes us up, don’t let him cry endlessly. Every five minutes, reassure him by talking to him softly, with our hand on his stomach. This is often enough for him to fall asleep again.
Feeding is an intimate relationship between baby and us, which gives him intense sensory pleasure and makes him feel full. For him, to renounce our bosom is to lose something of us. However, if we are determined and serene, it will not be a trauma for him, but the starting point of a new stage. In fact, gently turned away from the mother’s breast, the child opens his eyes to his environment with more interest and curiosity. He begins to communicate with others through babbling. Explain to your baby what is going to happen and anticipate, so that you have time to replace each feeding very gradually with a bottle. And give daddy some bottles.
8 months to 1 year: help them cope well with the separation
Whatever the age of a baby, to live a separation well, he needs continuity in his bearings. Before 8 months, it is even more important because he is not aware of what is happening, he cannot anticipate the separation. If your baby is being kept out of the house, bring her sensory cues: a cloth imbued with your scent, a familiar object to handle for reassurance. Without drowning him in words, tell him in a few words what is going to happen, why you are going away and who will take care of him. If you are having a hard time going back to work, just express it: “It’s not very easy to be separated all day, but I trust Unetelle, you will be fine with her and we will meet again tonight. “. Your baby does not decode words, but soaks up your emotions. Do not neglect the adaptation time (contact sessions in your presence) and impose it if it is not planned. Take this opportunity to establish a bond of trust with the person who will take care of him: if he feels reassured, your baby will be. Transmit as much information as possible to his referent on his habits, his way of reacting, the rituals that reassure him, so that she can ensure this precious continuity.
Between 7 and 9 months, the baby realizes that he is not a piece of his mother but a whole being, distinct from her. He becomes more aware of his absences. At about the same time, he acquires what is called the “permanence of things”: he understands that what disappears continues to exist, can appear again, and that is also the case with his mother. That’s what we call “The anxiety of the 8th month”.
This cape marks a new organization of psychic life of your baby. It is a big step forward in his understanding of reality, but it is destabilizing progress. It will take your child a few months to digest what he has learned and learn to feel reassured. In the meantime, any change, any novelty worries him. Give it maximum stability. Postpone any change in their environment or lifestyle, reassure them as long as they need it. Play “Cuckoo” games with him that help him verify that you always respawn.
From the age of 1, a baby is able to anticipate separations and to express his disagreement, and he does not deny it! He screams and clings to you. Yet, once you’re gone, he calms down quickly and plays quietly. With this feeling of “basic security” that he built with you in his first year, he is enjoying his day. Prepare well for the separation. Tell your baby, name the person who will take care of him. Give him time to bond with that person during the “adaptconfidence” period. Then say goodbye to your child before you leave, even if they are crying.
1 to 3 years: major acquisitions
A baby’s first steps are a game-changer: for the first time, he can walk away from you, on his own. It is by shining around you that he sets out to discover his environment: you are in a way his “base camp”. The safer he feels, the further the young explorer goes. Every now and then he turns around to check that you are following him with his eyes. He needs this protective gaze to make his first “solo” experiences. Don’t follow him. Let him go on an adventure to a distance that you think is reasonable. Then gently call out, “Where are you going, little rascal?” », And play catch it before letting it go again. Possibly offer him hide-and-seek games. He is not too far hidden, you are looking for him. Then it’s up to you to find a hiding place. His games get him used to getting lost and then finding himself again, laughing, and reinforcing his internal security.
Cleanliness is also a key step. By leaving diapers, the child shows his mother that he no longer needs her to satisfy his physiological needs and that he wants to grow up. This individual bodily autonomy will allow him to enter a new collective: that of the school. Don’t push. Wait until he feels ready, motivate him, value what already makes him “big” (he undresses alone, helps with the groceries…) and things should fall into place naturally.
The beginning of relationships with others really begins with language. At first, your little one is becoming more and more different from you. He discovers that he can oppose his will to yours and starts to say “No”. For everyday life, he tries to get by without you. But when he fails, there is a crisis: the gap between his desires for autonomy and his real capacities causes frustration and anger. Stay calm: he needs your confidence to take this last step and end the status of baby. Thanks to language the baby can clearly express what he wants or does not want. He is able to communicate with adults, but also with children of his age, whom he increasingly seeks to meet. Let him savor the pleasure of words without repeating his mistakes. The important thing is that he expresses himself and is, somehow, understood.
3 years: nursery school … group learning
He is very proud to enter kindergarten. However, adaptation is not easy: rhythms, requirements, rules, everything is new at school, and everything seems too big, from the size of the group to the dimensions of the playground. School marks a clear break with what he experienced in a nursery or with a nanny, while he still needs continuity to grow well. At first, he may feel lost.
Talk to her about school in the weeks leading up to it, but don’t obsess over it. Before the holidays, if possible, visit the premises and introduce him to his future teacher. Next, give him time to adapt, don’t ask too much. See the small section as a pivotal year where the most important thing is the well-being of your child. Make him talk about his days, pay attention to his non-verbal signals (stomach aches, sleep problems, aggressiveness, bedwetting, etc.) and talk to his teacher as much as possible. If you can arrange his days part-time, in the morning at school, in the afternoon with his nanny or granny, it’s even better: in terms of autonomy, the more time you take, the more solid your achievements.