Childhood: time for fun or growing up?

I want to tell you the rules for raising children, which, when I met them, caused me serious confusion. I always considered myself an experienced mother, but I had no such experience, and the rules sounded harsh. I must say right away that later I liked them and seemed very necessary and reasonable. But it’s up to you to judge, so I’m quoting them the way I heard and understood them.​

Rule 1: Children have no free time.

Already the first paragraph of the rules may cause protest among many parents. What about the freedom of a child, what about a happy childhood? This approach really implies some truncation of the freedom of the child, in the interests of his development.

Children should always be busy — with educational games, help with the housework, study, sports, etc. The child has free will — within the framework of the plan of the day, drawn up together with the parents. This plan should consist of activities that develop the child, alternating physical, mental and intellectual development. Training sessions can alternate with walks in the air, chatting with friends.

An example is the unique experience of the Soviet teacher A.S. Makarenko, who implemented a similar system in his colony. Gorky. The strictest discipline there was maintained by the pupils themselves. 4 hours of compulsory work in a factory or in the field, then compulsory schooling, and then complete freedom in the form of circles. If you want to learn to play chess, if you want — to the same one. But if you have chosen a circle, you must attend it for at least six months.

Rule 2: Only such games are allowed in the family, in which development is primary, and not entertainment.

No one will object to games that combine this, and sports games are a great combination of fun and physical development. But computer shooters should be excluded from the life of a child: just as alcoholism should be excluded from the life of their parents.

This rule at the level of ideas is supported by all thinking parents. But with its implementation, many have problems — primarily because there is no point 3, unquestioning obedience.

Rule 3: Children obey their parents from the first word.

Let’s see where this rule comes from, is it really necessary?

There is a hypothesis that it is the parental voice that we hear throughout childhood that passes into inner speech and becomes our inner voice. After 7 years, we copy the commands that our parents gave us, while maintaining about the same tone.

If a girl never obeyed her mother, who shrillly screamed at her, then this shrill voice in her head will accompany her all her life. «Go wash the dishes!» — an adult girl will say this to herself, but she will get annoyed at this command, resist and not comply, in spite of her inner voice.

The unquestioning execution of parental commands is necessary for children to learn to obey themselves. This skill is also called will. A strong-willed person has two tools:

• self-command text (calm, confident, friendly voice — developed as a repetition of the parental voice),
• the habit of obeying this command (again formed by parents).

When parents do not give any orders, children do not have the skill to do something on command. Parents sometimes shout at them, sometimes they scare them, sometimes they involve them. Such children will not react to words, for example, «Let’s go to breakfast» until some new picture, noise, i.e. they will react to the situation, but there will be no reaction to the words.

Rule 4: Parents do not allow the development of “I want”, there is only “need”. At the same time, “necessary” — in the style of “I want” — cheerful, lively, energetic. «I want everything I need.»

The usual protest of ordinary parents — but what about the desires of the child, how can I “want” him? Look at it from a different angle: “I want everything I need” — I think such a development will suit even the most fastidious parents. The only question is how to achieve it? How to do what you don’t want? If a person is accustomed from childhood to do what is necessary, this question is solved simply: “Should I do this or not?” If it is not necessary, he does not. If necessary, he takes it and does it. He does what he loves most — for example, with the help of the exercise If I loved.

In this exercise, it is proposed to turn on the state of love at the right time, i.e. manage your emotions. True, but how many people on Earth are capable of doing this? The last, fifth paragraph of our rules is intended for the development of this skill.

Rule 5: Suffering and other negative emotions are forbidden.

Perhaps this is the most egregious thesis from the point of view of ordinary parents. However, let’s look at it from the point of view of simple logic. Do you want your children to suffer, get angry, offended, and so on? Hardly. Then ban them. Believe me, they can do it, children are masters of emotion management.

Remember how easily little children start crying and how abruptly they stop whining when they get what they want. How skillfully they play on the nerves of their parents with the help of their grievances, tears and tantrums. How sharply their behavior differs for mom, grandmother and dad.

“Even if we agree that children are masters of emotions, how can I overcome the fear that my behavior can cause irreparable injury to the child?” many parents will say. Do not exaggerate the seriousness of children’s emotions: children themselves play horror stories, go to «scary places» and tell each other scary stories about the Black Hand, ask their parents for money for horror films and, in principle, love everything that is emotional. Our children play with emotions, children have fun with emotions, children treat their own emotions easily. Experts say that the number of real psychological traumas is several times less than modern psychologists say.

Conclusions

Let’s try to evaluate as a whole the described rules for raising children. It seems that this style of parenting can be classified as «hard»: no sooner said than done. At the same time, if we imagine that the commands described above are given in a soft, friendly, loving voice, and the child fulfills them with pleasure, then this already looks like a “soft” style. Like a wild cat — core inside, softness outside.

Naturally, with such an approach, the quality of the teams and their orientation are of decisive importance. Parents should orient their teams towards developing self-reliance, thinking skills, and other useful skills. Parents must themselves be sufficiently developed and ready to take full responsibility for the development of their children. It turns out that such a child is by no means a stupid executor of someone else’s will, he is an independent and responsible person who does things. He has sufficient freedom, and most importantly, the will to fully realize his life potential.

Now I am ready to try to apply these rules in my family, ready to work, invest my time and effort, because the result is worth it. Raising a child to be an independent and responsible person, joyful and purposeful — this task inspires me!

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.