And what to do now with this in order to get rid of the burden of complexes and low self-esteem, advises psychologist Irina Kassatenko.
Parents are not chosen. And, unfortunately, not everyone in this lottery of life is lucky. It is generally accepted that the worst thing for a child is parental divorce or alcoholism. But there is a thing no less harmful to a child’s soul – constant criticism. It does not inflict obvious wounds on the soul, but, like a toxin, from day to day, drop by drop undermines the child’s self-confidence.
The destruction in the soul of a person who grew up in a family with a criticizing mother is enormous: low self-esteem, excessive dependence on the opinions of others, inability to say no and defend one’s rights and boundaries, procrastination and chronic feelings of guilt are only part of this “legacy.” But there is also good news: our consciousness continues to change and integrate new knowledge and new experience. We were not responsible for what happened to us as children, but we can choose what we do with our lives today.
The most effective way to heal your soul is through psychotherapy. But it is not cheap and not always available. But a lot can be done on your own – to detoxify the soul. You were definitely scolded too much if …
… there are toxic people around you
What to do: build a healthy social circle. Constantly ask yourself the question: what kind of people are around me? Strive to ensure that in your close circle there were fewer of the same toxic, critical people. Especially when it comes to your girlfriends or choosing a partner. Although it is to them that you will unconsciously be drawn, because this is a familiar version of communication for you.
… you don’t know how to respond to criticism
What to do: to study. Take this lesson once and for all and learn to respond to criticism with dignity, without making excuses or attacking in return. If you need to explain something, explain it. If the criticism is constructive and it makes sense to change something, think it over and admit that someone else is right.
… do not know how to accept praise, gratitude and compliments
What to do: stop joking and denying in return. Just smile gently and say, “Thank you, very nice!” And not a word from the series “not for anything”, “could have been done better.” It will be difficult and unnatural in the beginning. Get used to it, you will succeed. Don’t discount your merits.
… focus on your mom’s opinion
What to do: separate your “voice” from your mother’s in your head. Before you do anything, ask yourself the question: “What would be good enough for mom?” And then tell yourself: “But I’m not a mom! What will be good enough for me? “
… are cruel to yourself
What to do: learn to talk to yourself carefully. Do not criticize yourself mentally, but, on the contrary, support. Instead of “Idiot, why did I say that!” say to yourself: “Yes, it was better not to say anything, next time I will do it differently! What can I do now to minimize what has been done? “
… are afraid to make mistakes
What to do: change your attitude to mistakes. Start changing beliefs about mistakes to healthier ones like “Mistakes are a normal part of learning”, “There is no development without mistakes.” Maybe even with humor: “A professional is a person who has made all possible mistakes in a particular area.” Focus on them, commenting on your own actions and the actions of others.
… don’t know what you really want
What to do: start listening to your desires. It is important. It is in desires that the energy for motivation and achievement is found, it is the fulfillment of our desires that brings joy in the process and satisfaction in the end. Begin to pay attention and write down all your “wishes and dreams” and put them in a beautiful box. Anything big or small, achievable or not yet attainable. Thus, you will introduce into your consciousness a new healthy attitude towards yourself: “I am important, significant and valuable. And my desires are also important and valuable! ” Anything that can be implemented, implement.
… your needs are not the main thing for you
What to do: listen to yourself what you want at the moment. Any of your needs: bodily – fatigue, thirst, hunger. Mental – the need to communicate, the need for emotional support. And satisfy them as much as possible.
… don’t praise yourself
What to do: Build a vocabulary to praise yourself. Find 3-5 words or phrases that you would like to hear from others (perhaps your mother) and start saying them to yourself (to yourself or out loud when possible). For example: “God, what a fine fellow I am!”, “Brilliant!”, “Nobody would have done that!” Consciousness works mechanically, and it begins to believe what it hears many times, and it does not matter from whom. Just try without sarcasm. Falsehood won’t help you.
… go to your mom for support
What to do: filter what you share with your mom. Stop stepping on the same rake in the hope that this time they will not hit. Do not take the important, the innermost to my mother’s judgment, knowing that you will only get the negative side of the picture. And don’t go to her for emotional support that she doesn’t know how to give. To do this, make a good girlfriend! And with your mother, discuss topics that are neutral for your soul.