Contents
Hello dear blog readers! Today we will talk about child sexual abuse. Unfortunately, this happens quite often, and, worst of all, most of the victims do not even understand what happened. They experience unpleasant emotions, but do not know what to do with them.
That is why awareness is important. Well, more about why, you will learn further.
Why is it necessary to talk about it?
It is important to talk to children about sexual abuse, as they can only get such information from their parents. Or, having lived on their own experience, which, of course, in no case should be allowed.
Everything. They do not discuss such topics with each other. They just talk about sex, but they don’t talk about any traumatic episodes. Because it is very embarrassing, scary and terrible. The immature psyche is not able to cope with this, which is why it has only one thing left to do — quickly push out, forget, as if nothing had happened.
More reasons
It is also important to speak up, because most even adults do not distinguish when they are being abused and when they are not.
Of course, one would like not to think about such things and ignore most of the unpleasant topics, to pretend that this does not exist. But, unfortunately, such an avoidance of reality does not help in any way, and sometimes, on the contrary, due to carelessness, it provokes and attracts what it was scary to even think about.
So, as they say, he who is warned is armed. Yes, it is not easy to talk with children not only about violence, but also about sex in general. But it is important to do this, they must be able to distinguish when they want to take advantage of their immaturity, who can be trusted, and who, despite family relations, stay away.
Why do we teach them to cross the road, use electrical appliances and fight if necessary? To keep them healthy, and sometimes life.
There is an opinion that if you tell a child about where he really came from, it will corrupt him. And he will definitely immediately go to practice new ways of expressing love.
No, it works completely differently. Feeling a hunger for information, he will look for answers to his questions. Who knows where his search will lead him. Either to sites with pornographic content, or to friends who at one time had already tried it out of curiosity.
We can’t protect them every minute, it’s simply unrealistic. But we are able to reduce the risk so that it is your child who does not become a victim, does not suffer due to ignorance of how to behave under such circumstances.
Statistics
To better understand the meaning of talking about abuse, I want to give you statistics that are not only shocking, but also terrifying and bewildering. So:
- About 25% of children become victims of sexual abuse. Among them, about 30% more suffer girls.
- Children with mental retardation and various disabilities are three times more likely to suffer from violence.
- In 37% of situations, the abuser is not some stranger, without a certain place of residence, and so on. A close relative, family member.
- The highest risk of becoming a victim of violence is between the ages of 4 and 12.
- Most parents are afraid that their child will be hit by a car. Only the chance to get hit by a car is 4 times lower than to suffer from sexual harassment.
Factors that influence:
In prosperous families, where love and understanding reign, such cases are rare. But they also have a place.
Highest risk group:
- Complicity in violence. For example, when a father is a tyrant and often beats his mother, he allows himself to insult and humiliate her. The kid is a witness and gets used to, begins to consider such relationships as the norm. He may have a tendency to victimization, that is, sacrificial behavior. Moreover, he considers the majority of completely abnormal, aggressive actions to be correct. Since he may not have another picture of the family. Especially if the family system is closed and it is customary to hide scandals, beatings, and so on.
- A tense family atmosphere. When there is no closeness with relatives, it is difficult to find a common language, when conflicts constantly arise, and in general, it is unbearable to be around. Such a little man will look for a place where he will finally feel calm, where he is accepted for who he is, and, of course, where he is loved. Therefore, he «responds» to affectionate treatment, he is looking for the warmth that the rapist can give, expecting in return gratitude in the form of silence for what he will do.
- Diseases. As already mentioned, mental disorders and various kinds of diseases that limit some opportunities provoke violence. Because such a person is not always able to stand up for himself, offending the weak is as easy as shelling pears.
- Addiction. It also increases the risk of becoming a victim of harassment. In addition to an unfavorable atmosphere and an unhealthy lifestyle, such a parent usually has friends who are prone to aggressive, deviant behavior. They can take advantage of the defenselessness of the baby, especially if they are in a state of alcoholic or drug intoxication.
- Loss of a loved one. In single-parent families, children often seek to fill in the emotional “hole” that has formed due to the absence of a mother or father. They feel wounded, often unable to fight back. They may look for those who can give them the love and acceptance that they could not get from a parent.
Clarifications
I want to clarify that the above circumstances are not mandatory conditions for the occurrence of sexual abuse. Those who are in them are at risk, they just need to be more attentive. Do not be afraid and ashamed that your child is in this group, just make more efforts to establish contact with him and inform him of what is worth doing.
Unfortunately, most cases remain not only unpunished, but also unknown. Since children, due to the lack of emotional closeness, can be afraid to tell adults about what happened. They believe that they are guilty of something and that they will now be scolded and punished. In addition, they sometimes cannot explain clearly what actually happened due to age.
Yes, and tyrants tend to blame the victims, shifting the blame for their actions on them. Why they convince that in fact nothing terrible and terrible happened, that everything is fine and you should not tell anyone about this secret.
Recommendations
Accuracy in words and own stability
Remember that your child is still an immature person and may be frightened, especially if you yourself at this moment look confused, scared. Do not use phrases about «terrible sexual abuse.» Try to build the conversation around the idea of security, that is, how to protect yourself.
Do not start a conversation if you have your own negative experience. It is better to ask your spouse to talk, or work with a psychologist on your own fears and traumas. Then you will not “fall out” of the position of the parent into a victim, thereby causing a lot of anxiety and a desire to close the topic as soon as possible.
If you decide together, together with your partner, to discuss this issue, then agree in advance what you want to tell about and how. So that you do not start to argue with each other and underestimate authority. Even if at the moment you are in a quarrel, divorce, and so on, remember that you have a common goal — to protect your child, and not to show which of you is smarter, better or more unfortunate.
Structure and relevance
Try to structure the material, and not dump everything you know at once. Your task is not to quickly get rid of the disturbing topic, thereby confusing, but to be clear and understandable. So that the conversation in the future would be a fulcrum for the baby, and not a shameful memory.
Be open to questions that will inevitably arise if you manage to create an atmosphere of trust. Remember, by refusing to answer or continue the conversation, you are leveling what you have already done. You do not need to leave questions behind you, on the contrary, you must dispel myths, guesses, anxieties and satisfy curiosity.
Try to start this conversation not due to unpleasant circumstances, so to speak, in «hot pursuit», but when all participants in the dialogue are calm and open to it. In no case should you be forced to listen, intimidate and pressure.
This topic is most appropriate when watching a film together, in which scenes of violence “pop up”, but not cruel, take care of the psyche of the child. And in the course of action, you can explain what is happening and how you can protect yourself, ask for help.
Euphemisms
Try to call the genitals by their proper names, without using any euphemisms. The fact is that when turning to strangers for help, your daughter or son will not be able to clearly and understandably explain what happened.
And most importantly, under no pretext should you jointly search for the necessary information in Google, Yandex, and so on. Do you know why? Because they can accidentally “jump out” videos, pictures with pornographic content.
Age and time
The most optimal for such conversations is the age of 8-12 years. At least about sex and personal boundaries. Later, it will probably be useless, since all the necessary information will be obtained from friends and acquaintances.
The minimum age is 2 years. It is clear that the baby should not be overloaded with material. And give it only if he starts having questions about the birth. But this is very rare, many two-year-old crumbs still do not know how to talk.
You can just tell while swimming what places you can not touch strangers. And in case of attempts to commit the forbidden, to immediately tell you.
In general, you will learn more about what exactly to say in such situations, for example, how to make it clear that you don’t like some actions of the interlocutor and how to call adults for help, you will learn the next article.
Completion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Remember that you can protect your child by your “inclusion” in his life. A lot of difficulties, both financial, working, and domestic, sometimes do not leave strength for children.
Many parents become «functional», that is, provide only basic needs. Worrying about whether they have eaten, whether they are warm and so on. But it is important to find time for the personal life of the baby. On what he is fond of, what scares him, and what pleases him … This will form an emotional closeness, thanks to which he will be able to feel safe.
Then he will understand that with any experiences he can turn to you without regretting it later. That you will not scold him, ignore him and punish him. Your closeness will be the key to his well-being and health. Indeed, in this world there is at least one person who will not let him be offended and will support him no matter what.
Also, we recommend reading an article about the formation of personality, from the point of view of psychology.
Take care of yourself and be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina