They are moody or aggressive. They are led or infantile. Sometimes it’s hard to believe, but these are our children. Do you think: how so? We raised them not like that!
You could put one meaning in these phrases, but children hear and read completely different. Yes, we try to direct all our words for the good of the child. But some of our phrases for them sound like hidden orders – a kind of prescriptions and directives. They were described by American psychologists Robert and Mary Gooding in their book “Psychotherapy of a New Solution”.
“For you, your words are absolutely rational and logical,” they say. – You say them based on your own painful problems: misfortune, anxiety, anger, confusion, secret desires. But in the eyes of a child, they may look strange. “
At the same time, the baby will still follow your suggestions – first in order to be “good”, and then he will believe in it all himself. Want to? No? Then try never to utter phrases with such a message out loud with him again.
Don’t live! Don’t exist! Do not be!
The wildest message parents can broadcast to their kids. No, of course, we do not openly wish them death, God forbid. But the obvious regret about the missed opportunities, the mention of what a burden they are, how many problems there are with them, sounds like that to them.
“It would be better if I didn’t exist at all,” my six-year-old son once shouted to me when I non-stop nagging him for bad behavior and saying that I was tired of blushing for him. But it sounds so scary. Just imagine how hard it is for a baby to live when a constant feeling of guilt and uselessness presses on him.
“When you were born, I had to quit my job,” my mother regrets that she sacrificed her career for me.
“I would have left your dad long ago, if not for you,” – only the children keep the woman near her despot husband. It would have been better if it hadn’t been.
“You’re just a problem, go away so I don’t see you,” – it would be easier for my mother to live without me.
“These messages, repeated many times in the presence of a child, become a“ myth of birth ”:“ If you had not been born, we would have lived better, ”summarize psychologists.
What a child might think: “I will die, and then you will love me”, “If I die, then you will cry.”
Excessive care, over-caution and a little phobias of your own: this is the ideal recipe for a fearful parent.
– Don’t climb this tree! You will fall!
– Don’t touch the cat! Scratching!
– Do not run! Do not jump! Do not touch!
The older the child, the more worried about the parents. To stay late at school, go on a visit with an overnight stay with a friend, go on a hike with the class, choose the desired institute. All this is not just a problem – a disaster!
“As a result, the child does not believe that he will be able to do anything right and safe, does not know what to do, and is looking for someone to suggest the right decision,” write the Gooding couple. “Such a child, having grown up, will have great difficulties in making decisions.”
The child can decide: “I will never do anything right”, “I am stupid”, “I will never win”, “The world is so terrible”, “I need someone who would decide everything for me.”
This is more action than words. Take the child in your arms as little as possible, so that he does not become “tame”, does not show feelings and emotions. Do not hug, do not kiss. As a rule, they behave this way more with boys, so that – in the opinion of their parents, of course – they do not grow up as rags and mama’s sons. But the child perceives the lack of physical contact and positive stroking as a wall between him and his parents. This is how insensitive blockheads are obtained, shying away from the manifestations of emotions between loving people.
What can a child think (in addition to further restrictions on physical intimacy): “I will never trust anyone again”, “I will never get close to anyone again”, “I will never be attractive.”
– It’s time for you to become more independent!
– You are capricious as a little one!
– Why do you need this toy, it is for very little ones.
– You are an older sister, take care of the baby!
No need to drive horses. Leave the child his childhood. Yes, compared to himself a year or two years ago, he has grown significantly. But he’s still small. And, even if there is someone younger in your family, the elder does not become an adult from this. There is no need to compare your – as it seems to you, an adult child – to a baby. Yes, in general, it is not necessary to compare him with anyone. Just enjoy it gradually – step by step – growing up. And don’t make him a little old man.
What a child might think: “I will not ask for anything else, I will take care of myself”, “I will never have fun”, “I will never do anything childish again.”
Oh, these parents already, you can’t please you in any way. Either “how small you are,” then “how fast you grow.” According to psychologists, a mother usually gives such a “prescription” to her youngest child, and a father to her daughter, when she enters adolescence.
– It’s too early for you (to do this, to dress like that)!
– What are the boys? Has not grown to them!
– You won’t go anywhere without me, still little!
In the future, this will affect the behavior of a person: he will be insecure, embarrassed, constantly demanding confirmation of his own actions. He will not be able to do what he loves, he is unlikely to be able to start a family. In general, the classic “mama’s boy” in the worst sense of the word.
What a child might think: “Okay, I’ll stay small / helpless”, “I can never leave my parents”, “What will mom / dad say?”.
That is, don’t be significant.
– Nobody likes upstarts.
– Children should be silent when adults speak.
– The child was not given a word.
– Keep your head down! Don’t be “White Crow”
– What will people say?
Most likely, such phrases belong to parents, firstly, very dependent on other people’s opinions, and secondly, fearing to be in the spotlight. In addition, they do not like to take responsibility and live according to the principle “my house is on the edge”. The third option is tyrannical moms and dads, who believe that a child is not a person and has no right to his own opinion. They believe that he will be able to speak out when he grows up, but by that time in his subconscious the prohibition has already clearly been postponed.
What the child will think: “No one will ever let me say or do anything”, “Everything is more important here than me”, “I will never be worth anything”, “I can become significant, but I will never show it.”
Of course, psychologists do not mean the absence, in principle, of thoughts and feelings. They talk about dissent and willfulness.
– Do not argue with me!
– Thinking a lot is harmful! You are thinking about some nonsense!
– You cannot be offended because …
– I’m cold – put on a sweater!
– I know better!
– Hate is a bad feeling, you can’t feel it!
– Not sugar, you won’t melt!
– Be patient! Stop whining!
– We decided that you will be a doctor, what theatrical?
Do you understand what this is about? We do not allow the child to think and feel in their own way. We prompt him what thoughts and feelings he should experience at one time or another: freeze because mom is also cold, love a harmful brother because his parents love him, not be afraid of a dog because no one is afraid of her, and so on. …
What a child might think: “I’m stupid”, “I can’t make decisions myself”, “I’d better never talk about it at all”, “I’m always wrong”, “I’d better keep silent”, “I will never be angry again”, “Emotions – it’s a waste of time ”,“ I don’t know how I feel ”.
You’re doing it all wrong!
Perfectionist parents, did you recognize yourself? Do you think your constant criticism is aimed at making the child do something better? And it turns out sheer humiliation.
“You’ll never get anywhere if you don’t try!
– Who does that!
– It is not intentions that are evaluated, but the result!
– If you didn’t win, then you lost!
– Try!
– Why only four?
Sorry if we upset you now, but there is no way to become the pinnacle of perfection. But this is a sure way to bring a child to a nervous breakdown. It will always reach to your level and will always fall down. And if he once again realizes that you just realized your unfulfilled dreams and ambitions on him, he will simply stop appreciating you. You’re not as perfect as he is now.
According to Robert and Mary Gooding, this message is most often sent by parents to a child “of the wrong gender.” For example, the fourth girl, when the parents wanted a son and vice versa.
“The father can give up after four girls and start teaching the fifth in ‘boyish’ and ‘male’ activities, for example, football,” psychologists write in their book.
But there is another version of this directive that is more understandable to us: we cannot help but compare our child. And the comparison very often does not work in his favor.
– But Misha is already reading, and you have to drive the ball!
“Take the example of Thani!”
– Why Tolya can, but you can’t?
– Eh, would you …
What a child might think: “No matter how hard I try, I will never please”, “I am a failure”, “I should have been born of the opposite sex”, “I will always be ashamed.”
Here, too, rather than words, but actions. Remember when your child gets the most care? When something happens: fever, illness. In general, when we are afraid for him. What will the child and his body understand? At first he will be frightened – if my parents are so affectionate to me, it means that I am terribly ill and could die. And then he will begin to speculate on his health, realizing that this attracts attention to him. Illness will be associated with peace of mind. And he really will not even pretend, but really hurt, if only he was loved.
