Not all parents know that almost any child once also tests their parents for strength, tests the boundaries of what is permitted — and this is also a struggle for power.
Attention: not always, if the child does not obey you, he fights with you and fights for power. There are more reasons for problem behavior, most often there are four: attracting attention, the struggle for power, retaliation and fear of failure.
How to understand what is the reason for the disobedience of the child in this particular case? The main distinguishing feature of the goal of «power struggle» from the goal of «getting attention» is how the child will behave after you make a remark to him. If he immediately stops misbehaving, then he has achieved his goal. He got your attention. But if his behavior becomes even worse, then his goal is a struggle for power.
If your children stop obeying you and you cannot influence them in any way, if the preponderance of forces is not in your favor, then it is pointless to continue the battle further, where you continue to lose over and over again.
«Turn off the TV! — says father to Boris. — It’s time to sleep». “Well, dad, let me watch this program. It will end in half an hour,” Boris replies without turning his head. «No, I said turn it off!» the father demands with a stern expression. «But why? I’ll only watch fifteen minutes, okay? Let me watch and I’ll never sit in front of the TV until late again, ”objects the son. Dad’s face turns red with anger: “Did you hear what I told you? I said to turn off the TV… Immediately!” — … Here the father boils — and loses. Even if he forces him to submit now, it will be more and more difficult for him to win in this style every next time, as his son accumulates hatred and protest.
So what to do?
First, about the sad … Most parents are helpless and armless parents, so the most reasonable recommendation for them sounds in a minor: if you have brought the matter to a scandal with children, do not fight further. It is better to surrender beautifully without delay than to fight ugly until the final loss.
The main thing here is to surrender beautifully. Like this? For example, implement the principle “If you can’t manage it, lead it.” For example,
The child wants to be in charge — give him the headship and direct his command in the direction you need, help the child express himself positively in this situation.
A three-year-old child is rowdy in the supermarket, and it is not possible to calm him down — you can try to treat him like a commander and ask him what purchases to do better. At least it’s worth a try: sometimes it turns out to be a solution.
In The Joy of Education. How to Raise Children Without Punishment Katherine Kwales writes: “One day, when Tyler was three years old, I went shopping with him at the grocery store at about half past five in the evening. It was my mistake, because we were both tired, and besides, I was in a hurry to get home to cook dinner. I put Tyler in the grocery cart in the hope that it would speed up the selection process. As I hurried down the aisle and put groceries in the cart, Tyler started tossing everything I’d put in the cart. At first, in a calm tone, I told him, «Tyler, stop it, please.» He ignored my request and continued his work. Then I said more sternly, «Tyler, STOP!» The more I raised my voice and got angry, the more unbearable his behavior became. Moreover, he got to my wallet, and its contents were on the floor. I had time to grab Tyler’s hand as he lifted the can of tomatoes to drop over the contents of my wallet. In that moment, I realized how difficult it can be to restrain yourself. I was ready to shake my soul out of him! Fortunately, I realized in time what was happening. I took a few steps back and started counting to ten; I use this technique to calm myself. When I was counting, it dawned on me that Tyler in this situation seems somehow completely helpless. First, he was tired and forced into this cold, hard cart; secondly, his exhausted mother rushed around the store, choosing and putting purchases that he did not need at all into a cart. So I asked myself, «What can I do to get Tyler to be positive in this situation?» I figured the best thing to do would be to talk to Tyler about what we should buy. “Which food do you think our Snoopy would like best – this one or that one?” “Which vegetables do you think dad would like best?” “How many cans of soup should we buy?” We didn’t realize we were walking around the store and I was amazed at what a helper Tyler has become for me.»
If you are rare, that is, sensible, skillful, advanced parents, then you will not give up. You are the elders, the child is yours, you will put things in order. How to do it better, see the articles:
- If a child tests you for strength …
- Break in communication with the child: calming time out
- Punishment Warning: Count «One! two! three!»
- Teach your child to listen and obey