Child from 1 to 3 years old: is it possible to live without crying?

The main thing you need to know about the children’s crying of a child from the age of one to three is that these children can start their crying both voluntarily and freely, almost instantly, stop it. This is an amazing picture: here a two-year-old with a desperately unhappy cry runs to her mother, who is the only one who can save her, but I stand in her way. She knocks on my legs, raises her head, the crying stops instantly, her eyes are attentive and calm. Realizing that this is not her mother and is not at all interested, the baby returns to her business, bends around these unnecessary legs and again, with a desperately unhappy cry, runs to her mother.

Have you seen this?

Many parents talk about this phenomenon with surprised admiration.

Away scene. There were three of us in the room: me, a two-year-old nephew, and another baby of the same age. The nephew hooked her friend with something, she bit her in response. The nephew is in pain, the result is crying. Her first movement into a state of crying was in my direction, but I looked at her calmly, did not regret it. She stood for a moment, apparently remembering that I didn’t react to her crying a couple of times, then she runs to her mother. Mom starts to feel sorry for her and gives her a treat. Crying stops instantly, the child chews sausage with pleasure …

The second thing that is important for all parents to know is that at this age, children begin to simply have fun with their crying. Crying for a child is not always a reflection of some tragedy, it is the same energetic form of life as laughter or play. And the child likes to cry cheerfully as much as to shout or laugh. Crying is one of his favorite toys.

And third, children at this age begin to cry with a special purpose: to cry so that their parents do not scold them. Their crying is not just a way of psychological protection, it is a fully conscious way of protecting them from their parents.

Memory story: “I’m three years old, broke a mug, cried. I remember well the conversation with my grandmother. Her: Why are you crying? Do you feel sorry for the mug? — Not. — Why are you crying? “So that you don’t scold me for a broken mug. — Do I scold you? — Not. What if you will? … I remember that I cried qualitatively, with tears. At the same time, I realized that I was not crying because of the mug. It was a “preemptive” cry on the topic: how can you scold me, I’m already crying!

At the same time, the most important function of children’s crying is still different: crying for a child is a completely conscious tool for influencing parents. The child uses his crying when he wants to achieve something. The simplest thing: if you just ask, then mom will not buy a car, but if she starts crying, she will buy it. Such crying is called instrumental crying, but the instrumental crying of a child after a year differs from the crying of an infant in two ways.

The first circumstance is that the crying of a baby of this age has already become his free tool. That is, if the baby insists with his crying only on what he really needs, then a child from 1 to 3 years old uses his crying completely freely, for any of his purposes.

Let’s decipher this. Starting from the year of life (sometimes a little earlier), the range of needs of the child expands. Namely, if a baby up to a year old has all the basic needs — real, honest, now the child has invented, arbitrary needs.

Previously, the baby cried, if he wanted to eat, drink and be dry, now the baby cries because he wants a red train or a curly doll: he cannot live without it.

After a year of life, the child begins to achieve with his crying not only what he really needs, but also what he just wants. Crying becomes purely instrumental, becomes a free tool for the child to achieve his arbitrary goals.

Dad says: I have twins, they are a year and three months old. I agree, up to a year my girls really cried only on business: wet, crap one’s pants, hungry, gaziki, sleep, overloaded with impressions, teeth … And then — crying so that they would pay more attention than to their sister! Crying for absolutely no «honest» reasons, clear instrumental crying! Since we were not “fought”, the crying suddenly stopped abruptly and the daughter quite calmly switched to other things. Of course, we did not just ignore the unwanted behavior, but reinforced the desired one: we immediately approached when the daughter asked for it in an acceptable way. Somewhere in a week and a half, attempts to put pressure on me stopped.

Story: My granddaughter is 3 years old, in the winter I took her to sled down the hill. The granddaughter rolled down the hill, the sled turned over. I see — she fell, lies, flounders in the snow, does not cry. I go down the hill, I go up to it. She calmly looks at me, stops floundering and starts crying. How so? Didn’t cry! It turns out that the granddaughter herself was ready to cope with the situation as best she could. But since her grandfather approached, she decided that she needed to change tactics: to cry so that they would lift her up, shake off the snow and put her back into the sled.

The second important feature of a child’s crying after a year is the openness of his intentions: at this time, the child is ready to honestly say to whom and why he is crying. “I’m not crying for you, I’m crying for my mother! — Why are you crying to your mother? “Why is she sitting with her sister, let her play with me!”

A child from one to three years old can not only instantly start and turn off his crying, but also select the right cry for a specific addressee. One thing can affect a mother, another can affect a grandmother. Dad, for example, can only be affected by a desperate cry, such that a grandmother will come running and explain to dad what kind of person he is. The child selects these instruments for specific parents, and picking them up, plays them like clockwork. Have you noticed that children usually have a different character: one with mom, another with grandmother, and a third with dad. The character of the child is his way of influencing you personally. Children are smart and quick-witted, they methodically select what works for you personally.

Dad’s story: Masha is 2 years old, sitting, mumbling something to herself. He listened — she constructs a future dialogue, speaks for herself and for her mother: “Mom, drink! Mom, I’m really thirsty! — «Here, Masha, drink!» “I don’t want to, this water is disgusting!” She rehearses what will be her joy and a problem for her parents …

This is the time when the child masters not just crying, but real tantrums. Usually children start tantrums by watching other children do it, after which they try tantrums on their parents. If the parents, in fact, allow the tantrum and reinforce it with their actions, the child begins to actively use the tantrum. This, in fact, marks the well-known crisis of three years.

And what to do with crying at this age?

The first is what not to do. Even if you understand that a child is manipulating you sometime, it is not right to be angry with him and blame him for this. «Slyness, manipulation, you’re always acting up!» These are all negative suggestions. If you say: “How cheerfully you cry! You are my energetic, let me hug you! — it will be more fun and positive.

Second, don’t reinforce the crying behavior. This is an important and difficult point, because most mothers do not understand: if the child has cried, then your empathy and pity support his crying. If your baby hit and wants to cry, then your desire to regret and soft «Darling, hit, or I’ll take pity on you!» just start crying and complaining. On the contrary, your calm reaction calms the child, active — switches his attention.

Creative parents are happy to teach their babies to respond to problems and troubles not by crying, but by laughter and joy. Indeed, why not?

And the third and most important thing is to teach the child how to achieve his goal without crying. Teach your child to ask. All reasonable mothers know this simple rule, namely, if a child runs to you crying, you do not rush to feel sorry for him, but calmly say: “When you cry, I can’t understand anything. You first calm down, tell me what happened to you, what you want. What has happened with you? What do you want».

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.