Contents
They were born after grief experienced by their parents, a difficult break or failure … Their childhood and youth were spent in constant concern for the peace of mind of their parents. As adults, they realized what a burden had weighed on them all these years. And we managed to get rid of it.
Throughout their childhood, they carried only one goal – to support and protect their parents. These children have decided to always be there and become a comfort for a father who has lost his beloved son, or a mother who cannot recover after a difficult divorce. At first, they managed to avoid serious crises, despite bouts of depression and anxiety. But the children grew up, and, starting an independent life of adults, they realized how serious the consequences were of their childhood, in which they had to be responsible for their parents. How to get rid of guilt, starting your own life and leaving your parents? How to learn to express your requirements and desires to your loved one, if the whole past life was spent in an effort to fulfill the desires and needs of another person? How to get rid of the feeling of anxiety and anger hidden in the depths of consciousness, which for many years did not leave these children, who were worried about the peace of their parents? Getting into a psychotherapy session, they ask themselves: why did I behave this way as a child? Why was I forced into the role of comforter?
Read more:
- Francoise Dolto: “A child is not at all what adults think of him”
Children as hostages of parents’ grief
In most cases, parents do not realize what responsibility they place on the child, what a heavy burden they are forced to bear. Without realizing it, they impose on children the role of comforters, which is completely uncharacteristic of them. “In every family, the child has a certain unconsciously imposed role,” explains psychoanalyst Isabelle Korolitski. – It happens that you have to perform functions that are not at all characteristic of you. The most striking example in this regard is children who replace an irretrievably lost loved one.”
Parents give certain signs (“When you are around, I feel much better and my life takes on meaning” or “Avoid any risk, I won’t survive if something happens to you”), and the child remembers them – this is how the process we describe starts. And most often this happens through hints, and not openly. A certain role is imposed on the child, while he does not have the opportunity to refuse it, because children need parents and are terribly afraid of being abandoned.
Pass the tests
- What kind of mother are you?
“We are all, to some extent, spiritual healers for our parents,” explains psychoanalyst Philippe Grimbert (Philippe Grimbert)1. “Each child pays special attention to any manifestations of parental will, regardless of how exactly their desires are expressed: through gestures, demeanor, emotions or hints…”. If a child is required to “replace” a person dear to the heart and extremely idealized, whose loss causes unbearable suffering to his beloved parents, he, in need of parental love, takes on this role. He thinks that by rejecting this role, he endangers the life and health of his beloved parents. Thus, the child puts himself in the position of “eternal doctor”. But the fulfillment of this role will prevent him from living his own life, and, even more unbearably, he soon realizes that he did not succeed in completely healing the spiritual wounds of his parents.
Read more:
- Why did we decide to become parents?
Children as hostages of the ideal of parents
Driven by the desire to please parents in everything and to be a source of pride for them, the child, to one degree or another, feels the impossibility of being himself. The emotional discomfort generated by this feeling is only increased due to the fact that the child cannot express it. According to child psychotherapist Stéphane Clerget, “Such children develop in disharmony with their own selves, their desires and aspirations. He is trying to defend himself against the role that is being imposed on him.” This struggle in a number of cases is expressed in actions aimed at self-destruction. In addition, a desire to become invisible may wake up in a child: he avoids other people, hushed up and suppressed his desires and emotions with the sole purpose of not burdening those around him with his presence.
Many of them carry through their entire childhood and youth a sense of guilt and a panic fear of losing their parents and being left alone. They are driven by a constant desire “not to cause unnecessary worries and anxieties”, to be perfect in everything, to calm and comfort their parents, thereby dispelling their sadness. What are the consequences of such behavior? “Everything that is connected with separation, loss and the appearance of their own children will be a source of acute anxiety for such people,” Stefan Klerge concludes.
The best treatment is to take care of yourself!
Family counselors claim that most children who are “born to comfort” fail to get through the crisis of adolescence (fear of disturbing parental peace prevents them from doing this). While other adolescents, having escaped from the parental nest, begin an independent life, comforter children remain morally dependent on their father or mother. Such violations lead to the fact that they cannot easily make decisions regarding their personal lives and form a full-fledged couple in which their desires will be taken into account. Hence the many problems in personal and professional life caused by the inability to express their desires and deepest emotions.
Having become parents in their turn, such people are prone to repeating the scenario experienced in childhood on their own children. “If they manage to fully recognize their dependence on the role imposed in childhood and create a distance from their parents, they can avoid repeating the script,” says Isabelle Korolitsky. “Then their own children will get past the adolescence crisis they missed. And this will be the deliverance from the vicious circle!” But in order to get rid of your role as a “medicine child”, you must fully understand the meaning of the experience and analyze it.
In this case, some will have to speak for the first time about a brother who died before they were born, or aloud express conflicting emotions caused by the loss of a parent’s job or the departure of a father from the family, while others will try to throw out the accumulated feeling of injustice … According to those who experienced this kind experience, getting rid of a heavy burden is possible with the help of psychotherapy: it allows you to understand your past and get rid of feelings of anxiety or anger. If you dedicated your childhood to taking care of your parents, now is the time for you to take care of yourself. Letting go of any guilt!
Read more:
- “Breaking Up” with Mother to Find Myself
Confessions
Polina, 54, teacher and translator
“As a child, I was an intermediary between my parents. My mother was prone to depression, from which she escaped with the help of sleeping pills, while refusing to communicate with my father. And dad asked me to tell her that he loves her very much. My mother had a very difficult childhood. Knowing this, I always tried to protect her from suffering. I left my parental home only at the age of 28, but continued to be an intermediary between my parents until the death of my father. I still continue to take care of my mother. I always fell in love with weak men whom I tried to surround with my care. I chose for myself a life without a family – without a husband and children. And I can’t stand conflict. Psychoanalysis sessions allowed me to accept my weaknesses and realize my fears. Today I found a source of self-expression by becoming a children’s teacher. And I am also very kind to newborn children who are able to fully accept love.
Maria, 46 years old, secretary
“I was born 2 years after my stillborn sister. My parents never came to terms with this loss, so I grew up in an atmosphere of constant fear for my life. I was surrounded by excessive care and did not have the opportunity to move away from them even a step, not wanting to cause them unnecessary anxiety. I always had the feeling that I was in the wrong place. As for my personal life, I dreamed of being the one and only for my beloved man, but I did not succeed in this. Unfortunately, I always came across men who had not fully recovered from past love stories and in whose heart another still lived. Thus, I fully came to know self-humiliation, suffering and emotional dependence. I gave birth to two children, but I treated the first child in the same way that my mother once treated me. Thanks to psychotherapy sessions and serious inner work, I feel more confident, but full recovery is still far away.
Valeria, 35 years old, marketer
“My mother gave birth to me when she was a teenager. When I was born, she was only 19 and already had a child. My parents separated, and I became my mother’s older sister, her closest friend; she shared her innermost thoughts with me, she went to discos with me, it was I who helped her cope with depression. “Without you, I would have committed suicide long ago,” she often repeated to me. In doing so, she awakened in me a deep sense of responsibility, an instinct to protect her life. It was extremely difficult for me to cut off this not quite healthy connection between us. I was so scared for her. It took a long time to get rid of this fear and not to succumb to blackmail anymore. When you are under such pressure from the very childhood, your consciousness becomes clouded, and you cannot develop freely. As a result, I never wanted to have children. After all, my own mother was my child! And now I feel like an elderly parent who has reached retirement age and wants to enjoy a well-deserved rest.
1 Philip Grimber is the author of The Family Secret (Phantom Press, 2009).