We all know what to say when you hit your finger with a hammer or miss a train. Some allow themselves such statements only in extreme cases, while for others, swearing is part of everyday communication. Why do we need them at all?
Quite recently, harsh teachers washed their mouths with soap for “bad words”, and men did not allow themselves strong expressions in the presence of ladies. But today, women themselves often insert a vigorous word into their speech. Why can’t we do without bad language?
Chill out
Swearing is a socially safe and relatively acceptable way to express your displeasure at any given occasion. “We cannot control the emotions that suddenly arise,” says psychodramatherapist Evgeny Singer. “We feel resentment, anger or anger regardless of desire, but we are able to control their manifestation outside.”
Cursing allows us to blow off steam, maintain our self-respect, and at the same time refrain from physical confrontations. This role of cursing was already known in the time of Homer. “End the strife … With evil words, ulcer, but do not touch the sword with your hand,” the goddess Athena says to the hero Achilles when he is ready to fight.
Cursing can be a way to assert one’s belonging to a particular social group, whether it’s a biker party or a team of loaders, and a way to emphasize one’s status and power by belittling an opponent. When women achieved social equality in the XNUMXth century, they began to resort to the same ways to relieve stress that were used by men.
Many are influenced by circumstances. “With the advent of covid, the level of stress in society has increased dramatically, and with it the use of mats has become more frequent,” notes clinical psychologist and family therapist Laura Dalgatova. “Even those who didn’t swear before the pandemic began to use swear words.”
Relatives of Kuzma
In addition to the usual set of curse words, we use euphemisms — substitute words. Some of them (for example, “pancake”) have become so familiar that not everyone will remember that they once replaced something obscene. We often use such words as an audio pause to give ourselves time to think, they are already devoid of their own meaning.
Other euphemisms are funny, like «chewed mole,» and this adds humor to the conversation, which also helps defuse tension. “Society is much more loyal to such swearing. Their use often does not cause outrage, even when children use them,” notes Laura Dalgatova.
At the same time, the “kuzkina mother” fulfills its role — to give vent to emotions — no worse than a mat. “Such curses are rarely personalized, directed at a specific person,” notes Evgeny Zinger. “We usually use them in situations where we have only ourselves and the world to blame.”
Tell me where is your circle
For some of us, swearing is a familiar part of everyday communication. “Most often this is caused by the environment in which a native speaker grew up,” explains Evgeny Singer, “because we learn the speech of our environment, and if we constantly hear curses, we perceive them as the norm.” They become parasitic words and lose their emotional load.
But if we move from one environment to another, we have to adapt to the new environment. In order to get rid of any habit — including the habit of swearing — you first need to answer yourself the question «Why do I need this?» The answer can be anything: we want to take into account the wishes of loved ones, not to set a bad example for children, to prove to ourselves that we can do without swearing.
To change our speech, we will have to carefully monitor it — on our own or with the help of friends who will draw our attention to words that fly out against our will. “Use a phase-out,” Evgeny Singer suggests, “for example, first replace the obscenity with more acceptable curses, turning to the “devils” and “matryoshkas” for help. The main thing is repetition and perseverance, because it takes time for the brain to build new neural connections, and the old ones lose their strength.
But what if, on the contrary, we found ourselves in a company where swearing is used much more freely than we are used to? We have two options, Evgeny Singer believes: “Communicate our discomfort and ask others not to cause it, or think about whether we really need to stay in such an environment.”
mother of learning
We begin to gain vocabulary for unforeseen cases from early childhood. The child listens and tries to repeat what the adults around say. Many parents are shocked to hear their child proudly announce a new word.
“As in any extreme situation, the main thing is to remain calm,” Laura Dalgatova is convinced. — The child feels the emotions of adults well. Seeing a strong reaction to a swear word, a child may use it in the future to get attention.” Then the parents should ask themselves: is the child just repeating what he heard somewhere, or is he really angry?
In the first case, it is best to distract the child, quickly switch his attention to something else: a cartoon, a book or toys. In the second, if the child perfectly understands the meaning of swearing and uses it as intended, then parents can offer him other ways of expressing emotions — for example, beat a pillow, tear or crumple paper, stomp his feet, wash himself with cold water, take a deep breath, ask a loved one to hug .
“These are the simplest ways to bring the still immature child’s psyche to a state of rest,” says Laura Dalgatova. You can also explain to the child when it is appropriate to use swearing and when it is not, and what the consequences may be: discontent of the elders, resentment of peers.
It will be easier for the child to follow the rules if they are clear. Parents can explain what they don’t like and why, and impose sanctions for violating these rules: extra housework, cuts in pocket money. Exceptions can be discussed.
“In some families, for example, it is allowed to swear at home, but outside it — on the street or at school — swearing is strictly prohibited. Such rules have another positive effect: they build trust between children and parents and create a sense of security, ”the family therapist emphasizes. But you need to remember: for the contract to work, both parties must comply with its terms.