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A friend is dating a guy who doesn’t suit her. Should she tell her about it? Or keep silent? Maybe talk to this guy? And wouldn’t that make it worse? A well-known American writer helps to resolve doubts.
How do we behave in a situation where a person close to us, before our eyes, is walking straight to his misfortune? Below is the answer to this question, which offers the writer Cheryl Strayd (Cheryl Strayed). But first, one clarification. You will see the appeal «Honey». This is the pseudonym under which Cheryl Strayed answered incoming letters for several years on the Rumpus website and just by mail.1. Lapochka has her own character. She is frank, uninhibited and not shy in expressions. By publishing an excerpt from her correspondence, we apologize in advance to those readers who may be embarrassed or offended by her harshness.
Letter:
«What they’re doing is wrong»
«Dear Sweetie! I’m in my first year of high school, and everyone knows what high school is — drama, drama and more drama. And my best friend (let’s call her Jill) is at the center of it all. You see, Jill is dating a guy (let’s call him Jack) who has a girlfriend who goes to a different school. He doesn’t want to leave her for Jill (he’s been with that girl for over a year now).
In my opinion, this situation is unacceptable. Jack comes across as a nice guy, but there’s this undercurrent of scum in him, I just can’t get over it. It looks like Jack really likes Jill, but doesn’t want to leave either of them. I don’t know which version of events I would prefer. On the one hand, I want Jill to be happy and Jack broke up with that girlfriend. On the other hand, I think that with Jill he will do exactly the same as with his girlfriend. I was thinking of calling Jack in for a «serious conversation», but I’m not sure if that will resolve the situation. Honey! How can I make at least one of them see the light and realize that what they are doing is wrong? Concerned Girlfriend
Answer:
“You will not force anyone to “see the light”. Don’t even try!»
“Dear Worried Friend! Drama, drama, drama, that’s for sure! But it’s such a simple drama! And difficult. But it’s better to know about it now, since you, a first year in high school, are at the very beginning of such fun. Jean-Paul Sartre famously said, «Hell is others.» Quite right, but it would be more accurate: “Hell is other people’s boyfriends” (or girlfriends, depending on the situation).
I have witnessed how people I care about have cheated themselves and tolerated the betrayals of others, lied and listened to lies, committed emotional abuse and received it from their loved ones. I sympathized and gave advice. I had to listen to long and tedious tales of catastrophic love misfortunes, which I predicted from the very beginning, because a friend over and over again chose the “wrong” person for herself. But, alas, that’s how the world works, my dear, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Have you read Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? People die because they want who they want. They do all sorts of crazy, wacky, sweet, gentle, delicious, self-destructive things. You will not make anyone «see the light and realize that what they are doing is wrong.» It just won’t work! And don’t even try!
What happens between Jack and Jill is Jill and Jack’s own business. Jill knows that Jack is dating another girl, but still wants to be in a romantic relationship with him. And Jack deceives a young woman, to whom he is supposedly not indifferent, and gets confused with another. It’s not pretty, but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, I sympathize. I know my words seem cold and imperturbable to you, but in fact I am regularly driven into a frenzy by some pea jester or scoundrel, whom one or another of my close friends decided to «love.» It’s terrible to see a friend make decisions that you fear will hurt her. But that’s where boundaries come into play, my dear Concerned Friend.»
- Jealousy male and female
Do you know what boundaries are?
“The best, most sane people on the planet know this, and since I have no doubt that you will become one of those people, you should learn about the boundaries — and better sooner than later. A little piquant situation with Jack, Jill and a girl from another school gave you just such an opportunity.
Obviously, the emotions that arose as a result of your anxiety for Jill, and the resulting dislike of Jack, clouded your ability to recognize boundaries. Your urge to intervene and call these lovebirds to order tells me that you overestimate your own power and influence, and also do not respect Jill’s right to romantic self-determination — which she undoubtedly has, no matter how infuriating her decisions may be. This doesn’t mean you have to keep your mouth shut. Another trait of the best, most sane people on the planet is that they have the courage to speak the truth. You should repeat to Jill what you told me: that you want her to be happy, but since Jack is a cat and a traitor, you are afraid that he will someday do to her the same way that he is now doing to his other, “real” girlfriend . Listen to her answer with an open heart and a critical mind. Love her even if she does what you hope she won’t when you point out the fact that her unforgettable is a bag of shit. Wish her the best without getting emotionally involved in a situation that has nothing to do with you. (Remember the boundaries? Her life is not your life. Your life is not her life. And so on.)
And then, Worried Girlfriend, just let whatever happens between Jack and Jill happen. Be glad if they prove you wrong. Take care of Jill if the right is on your side. In the meantime, cultivate an understanding of a bunch of other truths known to the best and most sane people on the planet: life is long; people both change and remain the same; all of us, to the last, need to break firewood and receive forgiveness; we all just walk and walk and walk, trying to find our way, and all roads eventually lead to the top of the mountain.” Your Honey
1 Cheryl Strayed’s correspondence with the readers of «Beautiful Little Things» is being prepared for publication by EKSMO, and her novel «Wild» has already been published (EKSMO, 2015).