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You are sure that you have done everything possible to save the relationship. However, the truth is that often our “efforts” come down only to mutual claims, attempts to prove our case or demonstrative silence, which the partner reads as passive aggression. Perhaps you should try to change the angle of view on family problems.
Start with yourself
The only person you can really change is yourself. Having understood your own internal problems, you will also change your attitude towards other people – first of all, towards your partner.
Perhaps you are denying him the freedom and his own space that he needs? Are you substituting your union (“we”) for your personality (“I”), thus avoiding responsibility for your own development and movement forward? In this case, it is worth devoting more time to your life path and interests.
Learn how to properly express disagreement.
Let’s be honest: when problems arise between us, we, as a rule, burst into violent indignation, immediately indicating who is to blame for what happened (of course, a partner!), Or we take on the role of a victim, punishing a loved one with silence, which means we behave as passive aggressors.
How do you usually express your disagreement with your partner? Are you able to control your emotions and come to a compromise? Here is an example of a constructive presentation of the problem: “Darling, I would like to talk about your work. I really appreciate what you are doing, and I understand how important it is for you and for the well-being of our family. However, we miss you and your children. Do you think it will be possible to choose one evening a week that we could spend together with them or go somewhere together?
You should not hope that your silent suffering will resolve the situation. On the contrary, it can cause guilt in the partner, which only exacerbates the problem.
Try to trust your partner
Sometimes it seems that a loved one, knowing our vulnerabilities, purposefully hurts us. Research shows that as soon as our brain comes to some kind of conclusion – for example, interprets the behavior of a partner as intentional – it begins to look for confirmation of this.
Before you rush to accuse your loved one of indifference and selfishness for forgetting an important date or being late for a family dinner, look at him as someone who is stressed out trying to get everything done (and at the same time endlessly making claims against him). In most cases, he does not try to offend you and does not put his interests above yours – he is just a tired and therefore forgetful person (the same as you are).
Appreciate the good side
Marking the behavior of a partner as negative, and therefore threatening our well-being, the brain stubbornly fixes only what causes rejection in us, and erases the episodes that make the couple happy. You notice the scattered socks – and you are immediately covered with a wave of irritation. Think about the good things your loved one brings to your life. Perhaps in a difficult situation, you always call him and you can rely on him.
Draw boundaries
Be honest with yourself and identify what you will never be able to put up with. Tell your partner what is really important to you and don’t go back on your words. Perhaps there are many other things you could be more lenient with.
About the author: Terry Gaspard is a psychotherapist who coauthored Daughters of Divorce (Sourcebooks, 2016) with her daughter Tracey Clifford.