After reading the headline, both men and women must have tensed up. Men — in anticipation of confirmation of polygamy, women — with the hope of refutation. Why are we looking for an answer to this question?
At one time, psychologist Dmitry Uznadze conducted an experiment. A pair of monkeys, male and female, were placed in different cages. The male was separated from his «lady» by a lattice, but he could see her. At this time, another male was launched to the female. At some point, she succumbed to the harassment of a new lover, and the «legitimate» male through the bars watched their intercourse. A day later, the unfortunate had a heart attack. If the female cheated on the “legitimate” male behind an impenetrable wall and he was not aware of what was happening, this experiment did not affect his health in any way.
Adultery is a serious psychological trauma, not everyone can survive it on their own
It threatens the integrity of the family, destroying emotional, domestic, economic and even parent-child relationships. That is why monogamy is a sociocultural choice aimed at maintaining healthy family relationships and caring for children, family psychologist Olesya Shuvalova is convinced.
Live instinctively or live consciously?
Yes, men are naturally polygamous. Just like women. Otherwise, where would men take additional partners? Each person makes a choice for himself — to be faithful to his partner or to delete this word from his lexicon. And the choice depends on many factors, for example:
adherence to relevant beliefs — «A good leftist strengthens marriage», «Once does not count», «All men cheat» (you can continue this list);
the experience of the parental family, for example, when the child was aware of his father’s betrayals, saw that his mother forgives this, and took such a relationship scenario as the norm;
the inner values of a person (some choose love and responsibility, others choose freedom and momentary pleasure).
Arguing about the nature of men and women, we come to consider monogamy and polygamy not as a biological factor, but as a conscious choice, the achievement of evolution and civilization, Olesya Shuvalova believes.
Indeed, instincts cannot be silenced. A man, seeing a beautiful sexy girl, receives a signal from his body, feels excitement, desire. This is nature.
And the thought “my family is dearer to me” is awareness, upbringing and inner values.
“All motives for cheating in one way or another converge on dissatisfaction with relationships in marriage, so the dispute about polygamy is like looking for excuses for yourself. There is not enough understanding, warmth, support, emotional intimacy, sex — and now the internal unconscious compass is in search of where to get them, ”explains the psychologist.
Everything happens as soon as a suitable object is turned up — understanding, passionate, attentive. This is where the main argument comes in handy: «It’s not me, it’s my nature like that.» No responsibility and work on family relationships. Convenient, isn’t it?
“Think for yourself, decide for yourself” — this is how one famous song sings. But do not write off everything on nature and instincts. Why have we evolved so much?
Male gaze: is the woman to blame?
The issue of infidelity lies much deeper than the concept of polygamy, neuropsychologist Philip Litvinenko believes. “From the point of view of physiology, nature has made a man in such a way as to preserve the survival of a particular individual and the whole species. So that a man spreads his seed as often and as much as possible, thereby increasing the likelihood of conceiving offspring and prolonging the family line.
For nature and evolution it does not matter at all who is true and who is not. For her, only the extension of life is important. Someone tries to spread their seed more actively, someone less, someone is able to restrain his instinct. It’s a matter of personal choice.»
Women are less prone to adultery than men, but not because of high moral qualities, but because of the laws of the same nature.
The task of a woman is not to conceive life and give birth to as many children as possible, but to create the most suitable conditions for survival for the offspring, the expert emphasizes. That is why there is such a thing as maternal instinct, but there is no such thing as paternal instinct.
If we move away from physiology and evolutionary principles towards real relationships, then a man, especially if he is in demand and successful, has many temptations. He looks at him, they look at him, desire arises constantly: nature in a man wants to give another life. However, the modern socialized male is quite capable of resisting this challenge.
“But sometimes it doesn’t work. Why? Because of the woman next to me,” Litvinenko says. — If everything suits a man in a relationship, then it becomes more difficult to change — because of guilt, and he decides not to cross the line. Yes, there are immoral types who will cheat on you in any case, but there are few of them, about 7-8% of the total. If the relationship is far from ideal, if a woman emotionally clings to her partner and makes fun of him, then one day male resentment can accumulate and overflow. In this case, betrayal becomes a kind of punishment — a man gives himself permission, releasing his instincts at will.