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Can a couple survive infidelity? Yes, provided that the partners take their time and show sensitivity. We share tips for overcoming the crisis stage in family life.
Restoring relationships after betrayal is very difficult — immediately warns the French psychoanalyst Robert Neuburger, through whose office hundreds of couples have passed. “We experience infidelity as betrayal. It leaves a deep imprint in the soul, calls into question the foundations of our union, ”the psychoanalyst notes.
“Now marriage is based on monogamous love, and not the union of clans, raising children, economic or status considerations, as it used to be,” says psychotherapist Albina Loktionova. — Our main value is a relationship in which two people feel good. Cheating gives us a signal that this value is under threat and awakens our biggest fear: that love is gone.
That is why it is perceived painfully, although it does not always lead to a large-scale crisis in a couple.
“A one-time betrayal is not as difficult to endure as a long-term relationship on the side,” notes Robert Neuburger. In his opinion, the worst option is a connection with someone from the couple’s environment. Nevertheless, it is possible to save the relationship, provided that we do not “get stuck” in the position of the victim and can start all over again.
A plan to take your relationship to the next level
Talk … but in moderation
Now it is important to analyze your relationship through the prism of common values and mutual desire to stay together. We have to admit that both partners will have to reconsider their behavior.
“Those who have been deceived should not communicate from a position of their own impeccability,” warns Albina Loktionova. “Infidelity is always a symptom of a broken relationship, even if we didn’t notice it.”
Talking does not mean chewing your pain endlessly
“It doesn’t lead to anything. The point is to understand the situation, learn from it and not return to it again. Sleepless nights, self-justification and a thirst for revenge are unproductive. The conversation is successful if, as a result, the partners experience at least some relief, ”explains the psychotherapist.
Contact a psychotherapist
Working with a specialist allows you to get out of a dialogue that risks developing into a settling of scores. The consultation creates a safe space in which everyone is sure that they will be heard and their words will be taken into account. “This allows partners to feel each other more deeply, and therefore become closer,” Albina Loktionova believes.
spend time together
Building relationships anew, it is important to spend more time together. But in order to avoid new quarrels and settling accounts: instead of going to a restaurant, it is better to go to the cinema or for a walk. It is also necessary to restore intimacy into your life, recommends Robert Neuburger: “Because it was violated, then it needs to be taken care of.”
It is better to refrain from talking about a family crisis in your environment.
It concerns only spouses, but not friends, and certainly not children. “The worst thing is when parents involve children in their conflict, turn them into confidants,” says Albina Loktionova. — Of course, the children guess that the parents are not all right, they see, for example, that the mother is crying or that the parents barely exchanged a few words. It is enough to tell them something like: “We had difficulties, but now they are over. Now we will go somewhere more often on weekends.”
And do not forget that both partners suffer. There is no «monster» and an innocent victim, but there are two adults in whose life a difficult moment has come.
Live on together, not three
“Do you think he/she is prettier/smarter/sexier than me? When did you first kiss? .. ”The deceived is often tempted to ask questions about the person with whom his partner has entered into a relationship.
“He (or she) should be gentle and resist this temptation, and at all costs avoid the pleasure of exposing the details of betrayal. It’s like opening a Pandora’s box — one detail pulls another, another a third — and there is no end to these destructive imaginary intimate details, says Robert Neuburger. The «other» becomes a phantom between the spouses. He should be kept away.»
Resist the temptation to be followed
To restore relationships, it is vital to rebuild mutual trust. “But it’s very difficult,” warns Robert Neuburger. “Mobile phones and computers provoke us to check them. There is nothing worse than this. Very quickly, the «controlled» begins to suffocate, and the «controller» will never see anything that can calm him down.
Suspicions in this case are unbearable and poisonous.
It should also be understood, notes Robert Neuburger, that “time flows differently for partners. The one who deceived, but has already cut off the extramarital affair, perceives everything that happened as the past. For him, this adventure is over. But for a deceived partner, betrayal and the wound inflicted on her are felt as real.
Perform an important symbolic action
Relationships will improve over time. And you can revive them, give them a new impetus by inventing some kind of symbolic action. Play a wedding? Why not! Someone goes on a trip, and someone even changes their place of residence. Everyone is looking for their own option.
“The best therapy,” notes Robert Neuburger, “is to think twice before cheating. And if, nevertheless, it was not possible to resist the temptation, then keep silent and not force the partner to bear the burden of his guilt.