charm lessons

Psychologist Marik Khazin works in Israel, and comes to Russia to consult, conduct trainings: he helps people discover spontaneity in themselves. There is plenty of spontaneity in Khazin himself. And also energy, confidence, a smile and an instant feeling that we have known him for a long time – these are the components of the charm, which we were going to not only talk about, but also conduct an experimental express consultation with me as a client.

It’s not that I considered myself completely uncharismatic – sometimes you start to glow for no reason – but when Marik began to question me, completely different scenes surfaced by themselves in my memory.

Here I was chosen as the chairman of the detachment council and I stand in front of the class, trying to voice a plan of action, but no one listens to me. Here I am at a meeting making a report, but everyone is again distracted. A very young employee says: “Let’s listen!” – and everyone instantly calms down, looking respectfully at her – not at me. And I don’t know why I suddenly start coughing.

“I think these are difficult experiences,” Khazin says. What do you feel when you talk? I listen to myself: this is resentment and impotence. “Resentment is an effective feeling,” comments Marik, “it can be shouted out. But impotence is not, and it’s really hard. After all, impotence is accumulated, unexpressed anger. Tell me, who was the head of your family?

“Aunt,” I answer. Mom’s older sister, Aunt Rita, ruled everything: she did not approve of my mother’s marriage and, on occasion, always reminded dad that the apartment in which we live belongs to her. In this connection, dad tried to be at home less often, and in the end, his parents divorced.

Aunt Rita was willing to play with me – she really loved me. But as soon as she did not do what she ordered, a terrible scandal began in the house, into which everyone was drawn. I hid in the pantry and, crying there, I thought that few people would recognize in this screaming red-faced woman that smiling lady who was reduced by sellers in the market and brought bags by men on the street. Aunt Rita was charming, she had charisma…

“And you give up your charm so as not to turn into an aunt?” Marik asks. I am silent. There is a lump in my throat, after a while I only have enough to warn that I am about to cry. “People who can’t cry don’t laugh,” Marik replies. – I am crying too. When it hurts – I cry, when it’s funny – I laugh, when I’m sad – I’m sad.

I remember that it was only possible to cry in the pantry: when Aunt Rita thought that I was doing it too loudly, she said (sometimes stroking my head): “Come on, come on, be quiet!”

“Now we will analyze your inner performance,” continues Marik Khazin. – A girl lives in you, who is always told: “Come on, be quiet!”, And you can’t show yourself. Your dad had a similar situation – he tried to show masculine energy, but they didn’t let him. And the dad that you empathized with the most is inside you – and this affects your voice, which may sound loud, but it sounds quiet and stifled. And your aunt is sitting in you. But since this image is terrible for you, it sits deep. And your aunt is your main teacher of charisma. Now tell me how you feel?”

There was a hard hot lump in my throat, which began to slowly shift towards the solar plexus. “Imagine this lump.” I listened to myself – and the lump took shape and even color. It was a small purple spring that made it difficult to breathe freely. “Spring? Khazin asks. Let’s find out what she wants from you. Imagine that she is you, and start: “I am a spring in Inna’s throat …”, and then answer her.

Dialogue with the spring only exacerbated my impotence. I hardly notice how my voice changes, in a dull and gloomy tone I threaten the spring, telling her to leave, and she answers smartly and cheerfully: “I won’t leave, I won’t leave, I will do as I please!”

“You are at war with her,” sums up Marik Khazin. “But this is not a war, but a game of war. And the music of this dialogue can resemble the music of another: as if one of the adults tells you to go to dinner or do your homework, and you answer: “I don’t want to, I won’t!” Such conversations did not last long in my childhood. It was possible to laugh together, but not without a slap. “And then this dialogue became internal,” explains Khazin. “You are still leading him, he lives in you in the form of this spring.”

My communication with the spring does not end there. It turns out that she exists in order to turn me on, make me move, dance – and suddenly it becomes much easier for me to breathe.

“Let’s make a contract with a spring,” suggests Marik. Let her be your consultant. Tell her: “I am ready to listen to you only from time to time!” And when you move, the spring will be there, and if you stop, you freeze inwardly, you will feel it again.

Saying goodbye to the spring, saying goodbye to Marik Khazin – this is not my first experience with a psychologist, so the feeling that you were filled with energy from the inside is familiar to me. And the fact that people start smiling at me in the subway only adds energy.

A few days later I rush to the bus stop. The road goes uphill, it’s hard for me to climb – sometimes I even stop to catch my breath. But this time, nothing like that happens – breathing remains easy and free. The spring is doing its job.