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Hello dear readers! The authoritative (democratic) parenting style is the most time-consuming for parents. But at the same time the most harmonious for the development of children.
It implies respect for the personality of the child. When his preferences and desires are taken into account. And also given the opportunity to make an independent choice and bear responsibility for it. This allows him to become more conscious and mature.
And today we will consider in more detail what are its pros and cons, if any.
Authoritative (democratic) parenting style: characteristics
Rules and restrictions
Certain rules are being developed that are inviolable and operate within the family, regardless of gender, age or level of power. That is, everyone is obliged to comply with them, even if it is dad or the youngest child. This allows you to form a certain system of values, which will be a support in the future life of the baby, when he “enters” society, gets on his feet and even creates his own family.
For example:
- It is not customary in our family to beat each other, even if very angry;
- If someone needs to be alone, we will definitely give this opportunity;
- We are honest with each other and so on.
It is important that the rules do not only apply to children, this indicates that in certain restrictions everyone is equal. This means that they respect each other’s personality and are not omnipotent, actively demonstrating their power.
As is usually the case in relationships where authoritarianism reigns. When a little man is beaten as a punishment, and in relation to other people it is strictly forbidden to show violence. In case of disobedience, they beat again.
This approach causes conflicting feelings, and in some cases psychological trauma, any personal restrictions. Since the duality of the messages loosens the psyche.
Balance between punishment and reward
If about the punishments themselves, then they are not aimed at intentionally causing harm, both physically and morally, in order to humiliate or relieve one’s own tension. As well as there is no connivance, or completely unreasonable encouragement, which only causes harm.
In general, balance and harmony are maintained. If he deserved, he received a reward, if he was guilty, he took responsibility and corrected the situation. Or he withstood temporary restrictions, for example, having lost his phone for a day.
This approach builds awareness. The kid, before doing something, will think about the consequences. And it is important that he is not afraid to get hit in the ass, but understands why this act will upset his relatives and complicate his life.
Intimacy
When a person is able to accept the feelings of another, this brings them closer, and also creates a trusting, warm relationship. Usually in families where the emotions of a small person are ignored and there is a so-called coldness and aloofness, troubles occur.
In the plan, he can run away from home, use alcohol and drugs, steal and much more. Trying in this way to attract attention and gain recognition, at least from those like him.
Imitation
In a family with a democratic style of upbringing, there is no imposition of their own system of values, tastes, preferences and types of behavior. There is no pressure if an adult wants to teach his child something — he does it with the help of his own example.
It’s not easy enough to convince a person not to lie, while constantly deceiving him, agree? In the same way, children do not pay much attention to words, they are more guided by the knowledge that they receive by watching adults. This is how they adopt experience, initially listening to themselves whether such a development of events suits them or not.
sensitivity
It has already been mentioned more than once that parents raising a baby show respect and sensitivity to his personality, desires, needs. Therefore, they are not forced to “stuff” with an unloved borscht. And they simply offer him something else for lunch, since it was he who was boiled.
In fact, it helps to understand that I am valuable, important. Accordingly, no one has the right to treat me badly, hurt and ignore me.
Children who in childhood were treated unfairly, abused by power, criticized and limited in some way, are prone to victim behavior.
That is, they are mainly in the position of the victim. They literally attract trouble and allow themselves to be humiliated, offended and hurt, believing that they deserve such treatment.
Openness and clarification
Authoritative style is characterized by readiness for dialogue. When a parent not only forbids, but explains why it is impossible. When the baby has the right to ask a question and get an answer to it. And not only has the right, but is not afraid to seem stupid, to be out of place.
Incidentally, this approach keeps the nervous system in order. Because when everything is clear, there is no need to dump anger on the one who provoked it with the ban, even for security purposes. It also makes sense to commit an act that will not bring anything good, or simply endanger health.
For example, knowing what inattention on the road can result in, or ignoring the rules of the road, he will use the pedestrian crossing without crossing in the wrong places.
If you just scold each time, there will be resistance. And with an adult, perhaps, he will control himself, but being out of control, he will take up the old. Because nothing has changed in the mind. And in order for something to change there, it is important to explain and be open to dialogue.
Encouragement of independence
Parents give them the opportunity to make their own decisions and choices. They allow you to make mistakes without making a tragedy out of failure. On the contrary, they support and encourage new attempts to cope with the task, to try their hand.
They organize the space so that the child himself seeks help if necessary, that is, they do not interfere, showing that he is able to find a way out of the situation without the participation of other people.
As a last resort, they offer to jointly reflect on the solution. That is, they do not do something instead of him, but, as it were, are nearby, suggesting what may be useful in this case, sharing their experience. As a result, the baby feels joy and pride in himself. And he doesn’t get upset that he’s good for nothing.
Search for context and true need
Behind every “I don’t want” something is sure to be important, so much so that it provokes resistance. For example, if a child does not want to go to school, this is not necessarily a manifestation of laziness or stupidity, as adults usually think.
It is important for an authoritative parent to understand the reason for such behavior. Therefore, with the help of questions, provided that there is trust in the relationship, he tries to clarify the situation. Perhaps he doesn’t get along with some teacher, or he quarreled with classmates.
Sometimes it is banal that he does not have time to complete assignments and the teacher shames him. He does not believe in his abilities, which is why he underestimates his grades. In this case, it makes no sense to swear and demand love to learn. Forming an even greater dislike for the school and pushing away from themselves because of a misunderstanding.
Admitting your mistakes
There are no ideal people, even if someone has achieved a lot, this does not mean that he is sinless and never makes mistakes.
When, for example, a mother admits her guilt and wrong, she shows that she is actually alive, real, and you can approach her. And not to feel that it is an unattainable image that makes no sense to imitate.
This approach, by the way, also teaches that mistakes can be corrected. And also ask for forgiveness for your words and actions. What it means is to be responsible for them, and not to come up with excuses, wanting to seem better than it really is.
Duties
Every member of the family has soy responsibilities, even the youngest. They must be within the reach of age and skill. Over time, you can increase the load. If at first it is enough to be able to change clothes on your own, then a little older you need to make your bed in the morning, wash your plate or help set the table.
Only doing homework should be motivated not by reproaches and punishments, but on the contrary, by explaining that help is important and pleasant. That you are part of one big mechanism, and for it to function efficiently, every, even the smallest detail is important.
The more free time parents have, the more they spend together on a walk or playing.
Advantages and disadvantages
As you can see for yourself, the authoritative style of family education is the most harmonious for the still small growing up personality. It allows you to reveal her features, talents and become more mature, conscious, with self-esteem.
The downside is that adults who choose this particular path need to make a lot of efforts in order to develop. Deal with your own limitations and be a role model.
And there are not always resources to seek a compromise and offer cooperation. Instead of the usual order, which must be strictly followed, because «I said so.»
Completion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Finally, I recommend that you read the article about authoritarian education, what it can contribute to development, and what, on the contrary, interfere with.
Still, sticking to just one style is almost impossible. After all, there are times when it is necessary to show firmness and rigidity of one’s position. And there are times when you should relax control as much as possible and give freedom of action.
So it’s important to be aware of each type of parenting so you can apply it when it’s most relevant and needed.
Take care of yourself and be happy! See you soon!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina