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Hello dear blog readers! Today we will talk about what constitutes an authentic person. According to psychotherapist James Bugental, he is the healthiest of all.
Do you know why? Because he accepts himself as he is, not ashamed of his being and not hiding behind masks. And I propose to consider in more detail the components that make up the structure of his personality.
Character traits
I will list the most relevant ones, those that probably reflect the essence of such a person. In addition, authenticity is not always synonymous with positive qualities.
For example, he may realize that in fact he is deceitful, cowardly, not punctual. And he will not try to change these shortcomings in himself, but simply accepts them, recognizes them. While not authentic, getting into society, will seek to hide them, disguise, trying to act, maintaining social norms and rules.
The most common and familiar to many is the situation when two people at the stage of the candy-bouquet period seem to each other the best in the world.
And each of them demonstrates the most positive character traits. Hiding shortcomings and at the same time expecting that the partner actually honestly presents his self.
Naturally, then there are disappointments and accusations in the style of “you turned out to be different from what I thought,” “you have changed and now you don’t suit me at all,” and so on.
Mindfulness
The ability to notice yourself, your feelings and reactions in the present moment. Every second in the world surrounding a person, something happens. And it is quite natural that he has some kind of reaction to all events and stimuli.
Only now it is not always desirable for him, for example, because he has a clear conviction that this is not right, not beautiful. Then he either tries to force it out, or replace it with another, more correct in his opinion.
And, as you know, keeping feelings inside, not being able to recognize them, leads to depression, various psychosomatic diseases, and so on.
A conscious person understands that sometimes he can experience emotions that he should not live at such a moment. But he does not reproach himself for them, but takes it for granted, sometimes analyzing why this is so. She does not evaluate her desires and reactions, because they are what makes up her essence. And if you refuse some of your quality, it means rejecting some part of yourself.
This does not mean that, for example, she is aware of her aggressiveness and therefore calmly allows herself to show it. Destroying the relationships and values of the people around you. No, she simply admits that in such and such cases she experiences anger, which she sometimes does not control.
And he tries to regulate this moment, for example, by declaring this in advance in a relationship, so that the partner understands that if he violates the boundaries, then such a reaction can await him. So that it would not be like in a joke: “Hedgehogs cried, pricked themselves, but continued to eat the cactus.”
non-conformity
A conforming person succumbs to the opinion of the majority, sometimes he is guided by it when making any decision. He can easily change his point of view, all it takes is a little pressure on him.
Accordingly, non-conformity is the ability to be true to one’s beliefs and ideas, despite the fact that the whole world is against and others are trying to convince one of the opposite.
For more information about what it is, you will learn from the article about the phenomenon of group pressure.
In addition, such a person is able to recognize the value of both his own opinion and the opinion of society, even if they differ greatly. The choice is not in anyone’s favor when the bet «either — or» is made, but the possibility of using the particle «and» is recognized.
Congruence
In psychology, this means balance, harmony of inner and outer expression. That is, for example, a person presents those feelings that he experiences, without hiding or suppressing them.
If she is evil, then she will not mentally wish the interlocutor of death, while smiling in his face.
But achieving congruence is not so easy, because if we start to give out everything that we think, most likely, we risk losing friends, loved ones and simply provoke an act of violent actions. If we constantly hide feelings and thoughts, we will lose ourselves.
For example, you ordered a set of cosmetics for your birthday, but received pans. Will you smile, feigning joy and gratitude, while actually experiencing disappointment and anger?
If so, then in this case you showed incongruity, guided, for example, by introjects that “you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” But if you give out unflattering epithets regarding a gift, you risk offending the giver.
In general, everyone determines this balance for himself, through trial and error.
Responsibility
He makes choices, makes decisions and is ready to take responsibility for them. It is clear that not every responsible person is authentic, no, this quality does not make him so. But without it, it is impossible to maintain integrity and fidelity to oneself.
Ability to refuse
It is not easy to manipulate such a person, if only because if he does not want to do something, he will immediately declare it. Not afraid of rejection, resentment and other things. And if he agrees to help, then because he made such a decision, and not just because you skillfully put pressure on him.
Adoption
He does not think in categories, for example, «good» and «bad», recognizes diversity, and accordingly, accepts other people as they are, without judging or criticizing.
For example, a loved one refused to help because he was afraid of something. Here one could devalue the relationship that has developed with him, declare his disappointment, or, even worse, stop communicating, telling everyone how unworthy he is, and so on.
But a healthier way is to admit that yes, at such and such a moment he was scared, it happens and it’s sad about this, because he really counted on help. But at the same time, it remained as valuable as before, because the pleasant common events from life have not gone away, have not been erased.
Here and now
He lives in the here and now. And this means that he appreciates and remembers the past, does not deny any moments. That allows him to endure experience even from unpleasant situations. At least to avoid them in the future. And at the same time he cares about the future, plans for it.
Living in the present and not running away into the virtual world, into memories or fantasies is not so easy. Sometimes reality causes a lot of feelings that seem completely unbearable. But authenticity is manifested in the ability to notice them, live and let them go, as if facing them face to face.
Honesty
Along with sincerity. Because he does not need to hide, to hide his essence behind masks. Given that he is aware of his weaknesses, he is not ashamed of them. And he understands that everyone has them and this is what distinguishes them from the rest.
He does not need to show off, distort his dignity, exaggerate them. It is simple, real, and this attracts much more than show-offs.
Courage
Yes, it takes courage to show your true qualities, to open up and trust others. This is a huge risk, to declare to the world not only about yourself, but also about your features. Say something like: “I am who I am and I accept myself as such, no matter what you think about it and how you want me to be.”
Ability to be close
He does not seek to retire and avoid the pain that close relationships inevitably cause. It is impossible to be without conflicts and misunderstandings in them.
And an authentic person understands this, but is still ready to open up, approach and trust. Because in addition to pain, anger, closeness gives you the opportunity to experience a whole range of feelings. Isn’t that what makes a person feel alive?
Closing itself from the negative, a person does not let the positive into his life.
Flexibility
The ability to adapt and change priorities if they are outdated or no longer valuable helps a person to be alive, real.
Because he does not hold on to some idea, ignoring the fact that it no longer brings the dividends that it previously brought. He practices new ways when the old ones don’t work. In general, he does not hold on to the past, but shows flexibility where it is needed.
This is in some way a contradiction of principles, as it manifests itself in a special sensitivity when changing needs. That is, I notice that I already want something else, that changes have taken place in my internal picture of the world. And now I will make choices in accordance with them.
Completion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Be attentive to yourself and, of course, authentic!
Also, we recommend that you read an article with a selection of interesting sites for self-development.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina