Desires are the main source of troubles and suffering in our lives. Even the healthiest and most natural ones can trap us and hurt us. The psychologist explains why this happens and what to do about it.
Many desires cost us too much, both literally and figuratively. Excess cake eaten, alcohol abuse, overwork, time spent on the Internet or in front of the TV — in the long run, all this adversely affects our lives.
In addition, we try to avoid actions and events that could benefit us or others. We are afraid to express our opinion and stand up for another, we are too lazy to play sports. We are afraid to open our souls and follow our dreams. Discomfort makes us avoid things that could change our lives for the better.
Of course, there are also healthy desires. We want our loved ones to be healthy and happy. We want to receive and give love, realize our creative abilities, earn good money, feel respect and recognition from others, make a significant contribution to society and climb the career ladder.
These desires are quite positive and natural, but even they create problems if we find ourselves in their power. We cling to them and persist in the illusion that good things must last forever.
One must learn to enjoy the joys of life without becoming attached to them.
Even the most inspiring and pleasant moments eventually come to an end. We keep losing what we love. Friends move away, children leave their parents’ home, vacations give way to working days. With this in mind, becoming attached to desires is the path to suffering. One must learn to enjoy the joys of life without becoming attached to them.
A calm attitude towards desires will radically change your daily life. To master this approach, you first need to learn to notice desires. Try to pay attention to the following points.
- How the desire is felt in the body: perhaps in the form of a subtle tension or discomfort.
- The emotional pain you experience when you don’t get what you want. It can manifest itself in the form of disappointment, despair, depression, feelings of hopelessness.
- The discrepancy between expectations and what you actually felt when you realized your desire. If you are trying to avoid some actions, think about the discomfort they promise you. In fact, everything is often not so unpleasant. The brain constantly deceives us. It promises more pleasure and pain than we actually get. The areas of the brain responsible for pain and pleasure are ancient and primitive. They deceived our ancestors by exaggerating the rewards when an opportunity arose, and the risks when a threat arose. So the brain forced ancient people to act in the interests of the survival of the species.
- How are the costs and benefits of indulging harmful desires and avoiding beneficial actions.
- How do you feel when a pleasant experience ends.
Make two wish lists. The first is “problematic”: desires that harm you or others will get here.
Now imagine that you are observing your desires from a great distance. For example, you are at the top of the mountain, and they are down in the valley. Let them rise into the air like clouds. They are just a product of our mind, just like feelings, thoughts and memories. Don’t give them much importance. These are just wishes, it is not necessary to fulfill them. Most likely, over time, they will simply disappear.
Make two wish lists. The first is “problematic”: desires that harm you or others, cost you too much, as well as useful actions that you avoid will get here. The second list is a list of «correct» desires.
Listen to what these lists tell you. It may be worth discussing them with friends or with a therapist. Then make an action plan for each list. Follow the plan, and gradually healthy desires will crowd out unhealthy ones.
About the author: Rick Hanson is a psychologist, neuroscientist, and author of several books, including The Brain of the Buddha, The Brain and Happiness.