Contents
The injured party most often arouses the sympathy of others and is considered right by default. But what are the feelings of the one who stumbled? We talk about these complex and conflicting emotions and how to support yourself in such a moment.
When we learn about treason, it seems that the ground is moving out from under our feet. But what if the person who betrayed us is also struggling to understand what happened? In the first part of the article, we considered the possible reactions of the injured party. In this one, let’s try to look at the situation through the eyes of the wrong partner.
When betrayal was revealed
After your cheating becomes known, you may encounter problems that will be significantly different from those that your partner had. As bad as you feel, it’s highly unlikely that your reaction to cheating will be as crushing, disorienting, and corrosive as his. Why is that?
Let’s start with the fact that nothing undermined your self-esteem. Most likely, it was the other way around – you were flattered by the experience of relationships on the side. Perhaps you feel that you are wanted by two people, while your partner feels that they are not needed by anyone.
Betrayal could give you a new sense of control over the world, you have more power, more choices than ever before. Your spouse, on the other hand, probably feels humiliated and fears an uncertain future.
Although your partner is suffering from a very different and much more debilitating sense of loss, you are experiencing your own hell. The discovery of the secret has taken a huge load off your heart and given temporary relief, but most likely you are still torn apart by contradictions.
On the one hand, you are inexorably drawn to your lover, on the other hand, you are disgusted with yourself because you deceived your partner and made your loved one suffer. Dislike for a partner (real or imaginary) can be replaced by remorse for the pain you caused him.
You may decide to give the relationship a second chance and find that your partner is not ready to forgive you so easily.
maze of choice
Although your partner may insist on an immediate choice, you are unlikely to be able to make any categorical decisions. The primary task for you and your partner is to name the strongest and most conflicting feelings and understand how natural they are at this stage of the path.
Here are some of the most common. Try to find yours among them.
Relief. Even if you do not know what to do next, you will surely feel the pleasure of extricating yourself from the complexities that the lies and tricks created.
Impatience. As soon as the betrayal opens up, you may well be drawn to a partner again, and you want to restore the relationship. You don’t just want to be reunited, but more selfishly, you want to get rid of guilt every time you see your partner hurt.
Constant anxiety. One way to deal with anxiety after a betrayal is to rush headlong into a hectic activity, sometimes meaningful, and sometimes empty; sometimes aimed at building a new life, and sometimes – to avoid thinking about it. The stronger your confusion, the more likely you are to fall into some kind of mania. It can be anything: watching TV, exercising, shopping online, and so on.
Lack of guilt. Even after the infidelity has been revealed, you may feel very little or no guilt at all and not suffer from remorse for having violated the oath of allegiance. There are five main reasons why you may not feel guilty or want to apologize.
- You put an end to the relationship and with the help of betrayal hastened their completion.
- You have a mental disorder that prevents you from feeling compassion or guilt towards anyone.
- You are angry with your partner. This is because these emotions are inversely proportional: the stronger the anger, the weaker the feeling of guilt.
- You are passionately in love with your lover. You have certain beliefs about infidelity that justify cheating.
Regret over the loss of a lover. After you end a relationship on the side, you may feel guilty about leaving your lover and worry about the loss of this person for months or even years.
Feelings of guilt towards children. As a parent, you probably worry about how cheating will affect your children and their feelings for you. What is more frightening than the prospect of losing their love and respect? In your heart, you want them to see you as a parent to look up to, not a confused, confused person, and certainly not someone who abandoned them.
Insulation. When treason is revealed, not only relationships with children can suffer. Your parents and friends may judge you and deprive you of your usual sources of emotional support.
Hopelessness. At an early stage, it is quite natural to perceive your relationship as an emotional concentration camp, with no chance of forgiveness or salvation. You decide to stay for many reasons: for fear of being alone, for children, for financial security or moral obligation, but you believe that love is gone forever and that your partner is not able to meet your needs.
Numbness. To leave or stay, to end a relationship on the side or say goodbye to your family – in the face of such a harsh choice, you can become numb, you can neither move on nor stand still.
Self loathing. Whatever you feel about your romantic life right now—relief, exhilaration, doubt, hauntedness—you may also be desperately ashamed of yourself for trampling on religious or family values. Having stepped over moral principles and broken the heart of a partner, you feel that you have betrayed all significant people, including yourself.
Gender Differences and Reactions to Cheating
Gender differences affect your emotional response just as they do with your partner. As we said in the first part of the article, these differences are far from exact, but they add to your understanding of what is happening.
Difference #1: Women are looking for a soul mate, men are looking for a playmate
In general, women cheat to find the emotional connection they lack in marriage. They are looking for a kindred spirit – someone who will care about their feelings and who will want to maintain a meaningful conversation. Women like to talk, and they build close relationships through verbal interaction. Men, on the contrary, are more likely to cheat without experiencing emotional attachment to their mistress. They like active leisure, both sexual and any other. Often it is the man’s physical attraction, not the need for friendship, that draws him into the affair, and it is the easy sexual adventure, not understanding or intimacy, that keeps him close to his mistress.
Difference #2: Women justify their infidelity by saying that they do it for love; men – because they do it not out of love
Women are more likely to justify betrayal if there was a place for love in it, men, which is ironic, if there was no love. Women tend to bond more strongly with their lovers, both emotionally and sexually, which is one of the reasons why their infidelities are more likely to lead to divorce. In general, men believe that extramarital sex is acceptable and even encouraged by society as long as it is only a fleeting relationship and no one knows anything. They tend to underestimate the importance of sexual contact, considering it an insignificant incident, an accident, an instant impulse.
Difference #3: Women suffer from infidelity, men enjoy it
In general, women are more likely to worry about their sexual adventures than men. They are less likely to justify their betrayal and refer to the circumstances. Men seem to be better equipped to separate adultery from mainstream life. Because they spend less time thinking about other people and the important things in a relationship, cheating often doesn’t matter as much to them and they take less of it.
Think about your betrayal
If you are a woman who has a relationship on the side, you have probably spent long hours thinking about your lover. But it may be that you have attributed more love and significance to your illicit relationship than they deserve. Like many women, you can’t justify cheating solely on sexual attraction, so guilt can make you exaggerate marital problems and place more value on intimacy with your lover.
If you are a man who has an affair on the side, you may deceive yourself into believing that you will be able to keep the sexual relationship simple. Unfortunately for you, your lover may demand more intimacy and commitment, thus changing the rules of your game. If this happens, it’s time to say goodbye to the freedom and joy that betrayal once gave you.
What to do?
Labeling how you and your partner feel after cheating is only the first step. There is still a lot of work to be done. But already now you are ready to make a reasonable, sound, balanced decision about your joint future.
Source: book “Treason. How to cope with pain, restore trust and start living again” (MiF, 2021).