Certificate of sexual maturity

“If I were offered to become twenty again, I would think hard,” smiles 42-year-old Renata. – I even outwardly like myself more now, although I know everything about my wrinkles and a couple of extra pounds. But the main thing is sex. My current relationship simply cannot be compared with those that were 20-25 years ago! I know myself much better, both physically and mentally. I don’t have to wait for someone to “make me happy” or for myself to stumble upon something that brings me pleasure, purely by chance. Today I enjoy every second of intimacy – and this is happiness.

Two paths to one goal

The relatively rapid onset of ejaculation in men has its own explanation. “In nature, males become vulnerable to attack during intimacy,” says Irina Panyukova. “And the faster the sexual intercourse, the more chances they have to avoid danger. There is no biological sense in the prolongation of the act. So we can say that by lengthening it, a man demonstrates the triumph of culture over nature. And a woman still needs time to understand the seriousness of her partner’s intentions. Let’s remember how the Kamasutra arose. In Indian tradition, the bride and groom often met only at the wedding. And the Kamasutra helped them achieve harmony in relationships. It all starts with walks in the garden, then – visits, a night in the same room, but without any sex, and only then the transition – very smooth – to more and more intimate caresses. The Kama Sutra allocates several weeks to this path, but in the current European civilization, it often takes years to achieve harmony in sex. This requires a stable, satisfying relationship with the person we love. Moreover, all three aspects are important: the positivity of the experience, the reliability of the relationship, and feelings for the partner.”

There is a paradox in mature sexual relationships: it is a delicate balance between relaxation and mastery, spontaneity and self-mastery. And the exact ratio of these “ingredients” is known with experience. “For a long time I could not get rid of fear, having sex,” says 37-year-old Nikolai. The thought of premature ejaculation scared me. Fortunately, I realized that this could turn into a vicious circle: when my fear becomes the cause of another embarrassment. In addition, in conversations with friends, I was convinced that we all fear for our opportunities. But the main thing is that I was lucky with my partners. A woman generally has the power to bind or free a man, and in my case the latter happened.

“Between 18 and 25 years old, it is difficult for men to show maturity,” says sexologist Gérard Leleu*. “Their lust is stronger than themselves, and it takes time to bring it under control, to delay the onset of their pleasure for the pleasure of a partner.” According to the sexologist, a mature lover is generous with caresses. He squanders them not as a prelude, more or less out of necessity, but because of his own need: they bring him as much pleasure as they do his partner. At the same time, he pays attention not only to the genitals: “It is natural that a man is focused on his penis. But for this reason, he is often just as focused on the partner’s genitals. The erotic interest of a mature lover extends to the entire body of a woman. 38-year-old Ilya confirms this idea, speaking ironically about the beginning of his intimate life: “I did not have sex with a woman, but only with a vagina and maybe breasts. Everything changed when I fell in love seriously: I became more sensitive, sensitive to my partner. I think I’ve gotten better as a lover. And now I myself get much more pleasure. ”

A woman has to move towards liberation, looseness. “She needs to get acquainted with her pleasure, and therefore with her body,” says Gerard Lele. “Masturbation plays an important role in this. Having mastered the path along which pleasure comes, a woman can afford to be sexually active with a man. But this also takes time: women discover vaginal orgasm more often by the age of 35, and not at twenty. And then the sex of partners who are mature in this sense becomes a real creative act, a generous exchange in which each of the parties knows how to use both their own and other people’s wealth for the benefit and pleasure of both themselves and the other.

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Merger without takeover

The sexual sphere is perhaps the only area where true fusion is achievable. Moreover, sexual fusion is the goal of a long-term, secure relationship. “If it is absent, there is a craving for symbiotic relationships and merger in those areas where it is impossible in principle, where it limits partners and leads to conflicts – in finance, in the emotional sphere,” Irina Panyukova is sure. – And the fusion in sex makes partners free. In addition, from the point of view of reproduction, nature no longer relies on 35- and, especially, 45-year-olds, so other important aspects of sexual relations come to the fore – hedonistic and altruistic. That is, the opportunity to receive and give pleasure. Is sexual maturity achieved only through the accumulation of experience? Of course, you can’t do without it. But sexologists are unanimous: it alone is not enough. You also need to comprehend your experience, realize yourself and your preferences. In successful relationships, this can happen naturally. However, failures can turn your sex life into a vicious circle. Anyone who does not give himself the trouble to understand what is happening dooms himself to repeating the same scenario … in which there is less desire and pleasure.

“Now, in addition to purely physical attraction, I feel the need to feel something for my partner,” admits 40-year-old Pavel. “Even if the feeling lasts only for the duration of sex. Probably, I used to be a sex hunter, but now I have become a real lover. Knowing yourself and appreciating the other in all his otherness and uniqueness, and not just as an object of desire – these are the components of sexual maturity. However, there are probably others that we have yet to discover. After all, as Irina Panyukova rightly notes, “interest in mature sexuality is a conquest of recent times, perhaps the last 50 years. Remember “Anna Karenina”: there Stiva is tormented by cheating on his wife – but how is she described? Exhausted by the birth of children, withered – like an old woman. But she is 35 years old! Today, many women are only discovering real sexuality at this age.”

* Author of the book “Treatise on caresses” (Vanguard, 1994).