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Hello dear blog readers! A child cannot suddenly become aggressive just like that. This happens gradually. Most often, parents do not notice that the process, as they say, is running. And they begin to “sound the alarm” when there are quite obvious violations in behavior.
And today I want to bring to your attention the reasons that cause the aggressive behavior of children, which leads to a violation of the emotional connection with loved ones, various social problems, poor health, and sometimes even administrative punishment.
Causes
rejection
The most common reason. When a child turns out to be unplanned, plus everything else is not wanted, even if his relatives do not tell him about it, he understands this very well. For example, «reading» such painful information by non-verbal signs. No matter how much he was loved after birth, the fact that he was initially not wanted remains a fact. It is especially difficult for those from whom attempts were made to get rid of. Then they literally fight for life and their right to be.
And in order to win back your place, you have to act tough and aggressively, otherwise they will trample, they will not notice, and so on.
Parents are unconditional love and acceptance. They give a sense of security, which, by the way, is a very important need for every person. And when there is no support, understanding that there are those who will always protect and come to the rescue, you must always be on your guard, in a resourceful state.
That is, to independently ensure this security, perceiving the world around us as a threat, not trusting it. Why the slightest slight movement in their direction will certainly be regarded as an attempt to harm. And, as you know, the best defense is an attack.
Often the illusion makes itself felt that if you manage to achieve something, then your parents will love and recognize you. The wound, formed due to the undesirability of its appearance, does not make it possible to notice, to choose constructive ways to achieve one’s goals. Why is it the way it is.
Difficulties in relationships
When there are constant quarrels at home, and it does not matter, the baby is a participant in scandals, or an observer — this has an extremely serious effect on his psyche. And she is not yet able to withstand a large amount of stress. And so far there is no knowledge, experience, how to release it without injuring yourself or others.
Life in such conditions is unbearable. Because it is not known at what moment the explosion will occur and when one should prepare for it. Why accumulate anxiety, fear, anger and other unpleasant feelings. Which he expresses, sometimes unexpectedly even for himself.
When a child of preschool age and constantly becomes a witness or victim of aggression, for example, as happens in families where one of its members abuses alcohol. Then he simply adopts such a destructive and non-constructive style of dealing with other people.
He doesn’t know what is right and what is wrong. As they behave with him, so does he. And over time, this style is fixed, it becomes basic, which is why the older the little man gets, the more difficult it is to correct.
Often in families where there are frequent conflicts, the baby takes on the role of a rescuer, trying to reconcile the parents, to protect one of them. There is a so-called Karpman triangle.
The peculiarities of this triangle are that there are three positions: the victim, the tyrant and the rescuer. So, they constantly replace each other. The one who was the victim will definitely at some point prove himself to be a persecutor, in some situation he will rush to save, and so on, in a circle.
The need to “get involved” in family squabbles will cause the baby a lot of suffering, which will provoke aggression towards others, even beloved people.
Criticism
In some families, it is customary to make comments, criticize, so as not to spoil, and not vice versa, to motivate to develop and be better. And in some, just with the help of humiliation, adults shed their negativity, assert themselves.
So, such a tactless and dismissive attitude towards the individual inevitably forms a low self-esteem, a lot of complexes. And if some children «close» in themselves, strive to become invisible, then others, on the contrary, direct anger and disappointment outward. Trying to hurt others so that they also feel humiliated, offended, offended.
Think back to yourself, when someone criticizes you, how do you feel? Most likely anger, perhaps even rage. And this is quite normal. A person has a need for recognition, respect. And if she is not satisfied, he is disappointed and angry. And the stronger this need, the more frustration arises in case of its dissatisfaction.
You can still hold on to a little irritation, but intense feelings that capture like a tsunami, sweeping away everything in its path, are impossible, especially without harming your health, relationships with others, and so on.
parenting style
There must be a balance in everything, in this article we have already discussed that the most harmonious is the democratic style of education. When adults respect the personality of their child, give him freedom, but at the same time control those areas with which he is not yet able to cope on his own.
In other cases, both with hyper-custody and hypo-custody, aggression is inevitable. Because when every step is taken under the vigilant eye of an adult, there is downright hatred for him.
Due to the fact that you have to suppress your natural desires, emotions, aspirations and even sometimes dreams. There is no room left for the baby. He is obliged to please mom and dad, and also meet their expectations. And if in simple words — to kill your personality for the sake of your loved ones.
Or, when there is no control in the permissive type of upbringing, he will experiment with the boundaries, both relatives and other people. Do you know what for? To get attention and feel that they do exist. Otherwise, he has nothing to rely on, everything seems to be allowed, but where is the limit?
There are times when the children of liberal parents envy those who are restricted in their actions. Let’s say that a seven-year-old boy from a neighbor’s mother does not let him go to the river alone, worrying that he will drown or something else will happen. And if he lets me in, does it mean that he doesn’t worry about me, doesn’t love me?
With excessive attention, the baby becomes spoiled. He gets used to the fact that his whims are indulged and mistakes are corrected for him. Why would he then worry about what can and cannot be done?
He simply has no responsibility and a minimum level of conscience. Then you can allow yourself any actions, hit someone, break something. And if you throw a tantrum in a public place, you can also get what you want, which my mother did not agree to for a long time, and now, out of shame, she will promise to buy it.
See the article on the narcissistic personality. It is this approach that provokes violations and “cripples” the psyche.
Attention
Thus, it can attract attention. Yes, he will be scolded, perhaps punished, maybe even beaten. But it’s better than nothing at all. This is how children think, whose parents are always busy at work, or are not at all interested in them due to various circumstances.
For example, a mother is divorced and busy arranging her personal life and she does not care at all what difficulties her child is facing. Yes, she is functional, fulfills her maternal duties, feeds, clothes, heals. But it doesn’t get emotional. Either she is depressed, which is why she is constantly depressed, does not show any emotions.
Then aggression is a cry for help. The way to say that he is, he is alive and suffering, not satisfied.
Therefore, do not believe it, but he will subconsciously experience joy at the moment when he is shouted at and even insulted. He got noticed. Yes, even if the price is too high, they were expelled from school, someone’s nose was broken, and so on. But for him it is justified.
Because a person experiences total loneliness when he feels the indifference of significant people towards himself. And this is like death (social, mental).
Ban
In particular, the manifestation of physical activity. This applies to those adults who like to repeat: “Behave yourself, sit quietly and be silent while we talk,” “You don’t need to run, you will get dirty, hurt yourself,” and so on.
In young children, the development process is carried out through the knowledge of the world around them. That is, the baby follows his curiosity, satisfies his interest, respectively, he has energy. Which, it turns out, due to various circumstances, is forbidden to be released outside.
Usually this problem occurs in children of primary school age. It seems to be used to playing, indulging, relaxing, but here they are forced to sit in one place for 30-35 minutes. And not just sit, but work hard on something. The sun is shining outside, I want to run, but instead, with an effort of not yet very strong will, I have to force myself to write and read.
In addition to a storm of indignation, a mass of energy accumulates in the body, which at some moments can literally “spout” in order to defuse the body. Because just like that, it does not dissolve, does not disappear, it definitely needs to find a way out.
It doesn’t matter if you run, jump or fight. Therefore, it is better to provide an opportunity to indulge in order not to take it to extremes. And also do not forbid expressing your emotions.
Although, there are hyperactive children, completely indefatigable, so much so that even several workouts a day cannot wear them out.
Personal space
Some adults hold onto the idea that being greedy is a very bad thing. Therefore, you need to share everything and with everyone.
This statement is a violation of personal boundaries. We sometimes desperately protect what is dear to us and are perplexed when someone tries to encroach on it. We don’t take children’s toys seriously. They are simply irrelevant to us.
And then the duality of the message appears — you cannot take away from others, but you must give your own. Of course, the baby will desperately resist such a course of things and get into a fight with everyone who tries to get closer to what he considers his own.
Or the baby in the house does not have its own corner, personal space. Adolescents are especially hard on when a mother or father reads their notes, climbs in the closet and takes something without asking. Reactions can be violent. Especially on attempts to extort some information, arguing that there should be no secrets between relatives.
Pregnancy
Everyone knows that the emotional state of the mother at the time of pregnancy is transmitted to the fetus. Simply put, he feels the same as she does. A newborn so in general, considers himself a single entity.
And if she did not feel safe, she was in a tense state for a long period, she was worried, afraid, angry and in pain — it is likely that he will live it too. Only now at the subconscious level, not understanding why he is so irritated at any attempt to get closer, and so on.
Fatigue
When a person has resources, he is rested, well-fed and satisfied, most likely, he will not “turn on” to provocations. And if he gets tired, gets upset because of something, then any little thing can unbalance, so much so that he loses control over his behavior.
Have you ever lashed out at others because of personal problems and difficulties?
Children, on the other hand, do not yet have a sufficient level of self-control, which is why they can show aggression if they do not get enough sleep, they are tired of school, kindergarten, and monotony. Or they had to eat tasteless porridge, which was very tired, endure a talkative desk mate, forgive unfair punishments from dad …
Food
Although products do not play a major role in the appearance of aggressive behavior, they do have an influence. Scientists have come to the conclusion that the abuse of chocolate, hamburgers, soda and chips leads to sad consequences.
Nutrition should be balanced, you should not immediately organize a rigid diet, completely eliminating fatty foods from the diet. Low cholesterol is also not good.
External stimuli
If outbursts of anger are periodic, and not constant, and for any irritant, then it is worth taking a closer look at exactly what situations and conditions they occur.
Because heat, excessive noise, discomfort due to tightness and other factors can unbalance even a calm person. Especially if for some period of time you have to endure and endure inconvenience.
Temperament
Each of us has a type of temperament, which is characterized by a certain reaction rate, excitability, emotionality, and so on. So, choleric people are characterized by excessive irritability, conflict. They act first and think later. They are prone to frequent mood swings, sometimes quite unexpected for others.
So, if the nervousness of your little personality is due to the fact that he is a choleric by temperament, you will have to accept him as he is.
You can get more detailed information here.
Completion
In principle, these are the main causes of aggressive behavior, but one should take into account the individual characteristics of not only the personality of the baby, but also the conditions in which he is.
Also socio-biological factors, boys are more likely to arrange fights, openly feud and compete than girls. They mostly do it in a veiled, hidden way.
Prevention and ways to correct this behavior are indicated in the following article.
Good luck and accomplishments!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina