Caring macho: is this possible?

Men willingly take maternity leave. Selflessly mess around with children and pay a lot of money to master the culinary wisdom. They take care of their appearance and wardrobe almost on a par with their girlfriends. Not ashamed of tears. And that doesn’t seem to surprise anyone.

On the one hand, this is the demand of women – and of society as a whole. Psychologists, for example, have long urged men not to hide emotions, to be gentle and caring. On the other hand, there seems to be no need for traditional male prowess. Wives can earn as much as their husbands, and the need to take up arms to protect your home or risk your life to get a living seems to have almost disappeared.

It is easy to argue that the described picture is lost in the fog about 50 kilometers from the Moscow ring road, as well as from the borders of any large city in principle. Perhaps, but ultimately it is the big cities with their universities, research centers and innovative companies that set the vector for the development of mankind.

In what direction is masculinity developing? The one that benefits women is the first and most obvious answer.

Losses in the battle for equality

In Western countries, the current “crisis of masculinity” is usually attributed to the success of the struggle for equality. Or rather, the costs of this struggle.

“A man (with a small letter and with a penis of one length or another) is a bastard: he is the one who kidnaps, rapes, robs, kills, refuses to wash his underpants and would rather die than vote for a world in which his maid can become a CEO. This is what the official version of modern history, the history of male dominance, looks like,” writes philosopher and journalist Peggy Sastre in her book “Male Dominance Doesn’t Exist.”

And she herself exposes the injustice of such an assessment. If men hold power, it is only because this is what women have wanted for centuries, “falling into ecstasy at the slightest manifestation of strength, power and cruelty.”

It’s so reassuring to see evidence that men can protect women and offspring! What is the point of reproaching the stronger sex now just for what you liked about it before?

“The problem is that the battle for equality is accompanied by the accusation of everything male, and this negatively affects the relationship in a couple,” says sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc. – Men no longer know what is expected of them: to hold the door or not? Pay a bill? Care?

They are afraid that everything that male seduction consisted of, assertive and conquering, will be perceived as a desire for dominance. And women, with their inherent ambivalence, do not help much: they restrain masculinity with maternal care, but at the same time they still secretly dream of being possessed.

Result? Catherine Blanc states that the number of her male clients complaining of lack of erection and premature ejaculation is growing at an alarming rate.

Doubts about the possibility of an ideal harmony of masculinity and femininity and transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky.

“Jung has the concept of Anima, this is the female “part” of the unconscious, inherent in a man,” he recalls. “Accordingly, the Animus is the masculine principle in a woman, an archetype associated with the male sex. And it would seem that it is good when the Animus meets the Anima, when they “divide” the unconscious of men and women exactly in half. But such an understanding would be too much of a simplification.”

After all, in the final analysis, it is the essential difference between women and men that ensures the very existence of the human race. There seems to be a flaw in the very idea of ​​total gender equality.

“We can be equal in rights, but we must remain different enough to maintain and maintain attraction,” says Catherine Blanc. “To do this, you need to enjoy your strengths and love the strengths of your partner.”

genetic trance

In our country the situation is special. Equality of rights for women and men was achieved in the USSR much earlier than in Europe and the USA. Our problem is different, believes the priest and psychologist Andrei Lorgus.

“Throughout the twentieth century, the man was constantly under the gun. For four or five generations in a row, women just couldn’t rely on men,” he says. “The man who should ensure the safety of the family has become a source of danger.

Because if a woman connects her fate with a man, then he will either be killed in the war, or he will become a victim of genocide, or go to prison, or become an alcoholic. In general, you can’t trust a man, and, therefore, you need to take everything into your own hands. This is not feminism or a fight for equality.

Many women in consultations ask: “Tell me, is it possible to raise a real man from a husband? How can I get him to take responsibility?” They need a real man, but at the same time they want to educate him, they feel that they must give him the highest sanction for responsibility.

In psychology, this is called a genetic trance – the transfer of the influence of life circumstances through generations. It is for this reason that a Russian woman, unwittingly, feels herself the head of the family, and not her man at all.

As for men, according to Andrei Lorgus, their “new masculinity” is rather forced. In part, it adapts to the situation described above. And partly due to … love.

“Men have taken over many of the female roles,” he explains. – But this is due rather to male immaturity, extreme attachment to the mother. Partly infantile, partly exaggerated love of femininity, but in its motherly guise.

I would not say that a man seeks to realize himself as an assistant to his wife. He does this because he loves her and wants to help her. This is not his self-realization, it is, as a rule, the realization of his neurosis.

Big and small “M”

Advocates of feminism may take the words of Andrey Lorgus with skepticism. But it should be borne in mind that he stands on the positions of Christian anthropology. And the question of the true purpose of men and women for him was resolved quite unambiguously.

“Nature inevitably takes its toll. A man still cannot give birth, no matter how society changes, he emphasizes. “A woman is still in the role of a mother. And once she’s in it, everything falls into place.

A woman has to take care of a child, and her motivation for her own life becomes clear and definite. She needs to preserve the health of the child, provide him and herself with all the necessary conditions.

And of course, she needs a man next to her who would love her. Which would ensure her safety and survival – so that she would provide all this to the child. This moment clearly delineates the anthropological boundaries of masculinity and femininity. And the “functionality” is distributed as it was intended by the Creator.”

At the same time, if a woman, having given birth to a child, acquires self-realization almost “automatically”, it is much more difficult for a man.

“It is impossible to sit on two chairs. And if a man takes on more female functions, then he cannot perform purely male functions. He does not have time, strength, motivation, mental resources for this.

Remaining by nature a man, he cannot realize his masculinity, – Andrey Lorgus warns. “He cannot be a protector, he cannot ensure the safety of his family. And most importantly, he cannot realize himself as a spiritual leader, a leader, a bearer of values. He loses the meaning of life.

However, whether the self-realization of a man as a leader contributes to his happiness is also a big question that is not directly related to the modern “crisis of masculinity”.

“Psychiatrists of the old school liked to say that there are men with a capital “M” – so to speak, real men: strong, courageous, correct, firm,” Andrey Lorgus notes. – And there are with a small letter “m”: gentle, flexible, emotional …

So, the girls certainly want to marry the big M, and then they strive to run away from her to the little one. Wives want to deal with those husbands who are able to hear them, take care of them, show attention.

A new balance of masculine and feminine

In a word, the problem is not so new and unambiguous. Who said that a soft and caring man is necessarily weak, and an unbendingly hard man is so strong?

“Here, for example, a man is crying. What is this weakness? Not at all, Vadim Petrovsky reflects. – It takes great courage not to hide your feelings and not be ashamed of their manifestations.

Or, on the contrary, a stone face, a firm voice, mean gestures – “a real man.” But why not assume that this is just a defense, a desperate attempt to hide your weakness and sensitivity, a panic fear to show true feelings?

Andrey Lorgus does not like the image of a “real man” – diligently cultivated recently as a counterbalance to metropolitan hipsters and intellectuals – does not arouse sympathy.

“This is a type inherent in Soviet and Russian reality. Brutal, capable of repairing a car with his own hands, fastening a crane, nailing a nail. But he is ready to steal and slander, because this is the type of prepper. He needs to survive in the harsh reality, and he survives at any cost. This is a man without values. For me it is tantamount to impotence. A man who does not defend his point of view, who does not have a moral, political, religious position – in my opinion, this is not a man.

What awaits men in the future? Obviously, they will never learn to give birth. Otherwise, a new balance of masculinity and femininity will be found over time. Perhaps one for each couple. Or one that will become a guide for everyone.

Andrei Lorgus, for example, believes that 2-3 generations without wars and social cataclysms will help Russia return to the traditional model of masculinity at a more modern level. Well, until then?

“It often happens that a woman cannot accept masculinity for fear of her own femininity. And instead of gaining her own feminine power, she spends her energy strangling the power of her partner, states Catherine Blanc. Why not let him be who he is? Live his own way, cook food if he wants to, raise his children the way he likes. And love – the way he knows how!