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You love your partner, you are always ready to meet halfway, even if your own desires and interests are trampled over and over again. Where is the line that separates deep feelings and the ability to empathize from the imperceptible destruction of one’s personality for the sake of another?
Emotional caretakers, as psychologist and family therapist Margalis Fjelstad* calls those who generously share without receiving anything in return, are ready to give up their desires and even health, in order to satisfy the needs of a partner. At first, the relationship is full of euphoria – one sincerely loves to give, the second is just as joyfully ready to receive. However, over time, the “recipient” literally loses control. His appetites are growing, while the “donor” patiently hopes that the situation is about to get better. In practice, this almost never happens.
The difference between overprotectiveness and codependency
Felstad believes that overprotective and so-called codependent partners have different personality types. A co-dependent person is passive and energetically de-energized not only in love relationships, but also in all other areas of his life. Supercaring people, on the contrary, are usually energetic and active – they successfully build a career, maintain professional and friendly contacts. “Everything changes when an egocentric becomes their partner,” says Felstad. “Then the ability to accept a loved one with all the imperfections and the fear of being rejected make them hostages of the situation.”
Who falls into the trap
If by nature you are a kind, generous, reliable person, like to please loved ones and strive to avoid conflict at all costs, there is a risk of falling into the category of super-caring. “On the one hand, such people are very responsible, and on the other hand, they tend to constantly blame themselves and worry,” writes Margalis Felstad. “Therefore, they are easy to manipulate, especially for partners prone to self-centeredness.”
An overprotective person is more likely to agree to experience a feeling of resentment, irritation, or depression than to expose a loved one – the object of his vigilant care. However, despite good intentions, the union of the over-caring and the egocentric is not filled with joy and energy.
Understand the motives
“How did I get into a relationship with such an egomaniac?” overly caring people ask themselves angrily from time to time, but things rarely go beyond words.
The reason is that excessive care often serves our unconscious needs – helps to maintain a sense of self-worth, a desire to control a partner. “In some cases, psychological protection works,” says psychotherapist, vice-president of the European Confederation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Tatyana Mizinova. “The desire to experience care and love from a significant person for us is transformed into a manifestation of these feelings for him and is satisfied due to identification with him.”
Price
Loss of self-confidence, growing inner fears, feelings of powerlessness, fatigue and resentment – sooner or later one has to pay such a price for false love-care. “A person himself feels that he has fallen into a trap because of the inability to fight back, to hurt a partner with a refusal that he is not used to,” says Margalis Felstad. – Instead of stopping emotional blackmail, he takes a neutral position – he waits out the storm. Of course, this is reflected in health.
At first, the symptoms seem insignificant, they are hardly noticed: shortness of breath, headaches, muscle tension, disruption of the digestive system, a feeling of constant cold. In the future, such psychosomatic reactions can intensify and turn into organic lesions.
How not to get offended
The most important and difficult thing is to feel the value of your own life and start treating yourself with the same respect and care that you try to show others. Be clear about your own desires and preferences: how you would like to be talked to, reacted to your disagreement, sought a compromise. Do not give up on them, even if it brings you pain and discomfort. “You need to learn to recognize situations of emotional danger when they start playing manipulation games with you,” says Margalis Felstad. And defend your boundaries.
* M. Fjelstad «Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to Get Out of the Drama and Get on With Life» (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2013).