The author is Anatoly Garmaev, formerly a psychologist and teacher, now a priest. Chapter from the book “The Culture of Family Relations”
The purity of human relationships always implies a deep, intimate trust in each other. Caution is the power of sympathy for another to maintain in oneself the ability to correctly understand what is happening, to strengthen oneself in the purity of the relationship, to learn to recognize and postpone all destructive movements in oneself.
With deep origins, a sense of care is associated with faith in another and is one of the main manifestations of love. Sometimes in the minds of people it appears as a fear of touching the fragile. In fact, it has nothing to do with any fear, with any fear for the other. Fear and fear are born of uncertainty for the stability of, for example, a thin vase that we touch. We assume in advance the possibility of its destruction and therefore guard against sudden movements with it. In relation to a person, fear and fear for him is the same distrust of him.
Caution comes from a deep faith in a person and therefore there is no apprehension in it. Instead, a subtle support for the other unfolds in a person, an inspiring bestowal of one’s attention, sensitivity and warmth. Not fear of touch, but on the contrary, a deep entry into what is happening in the other, entry into compassion, into co-joy, in cooperation, in co-love. Fear and fear give rise to passivity. Care is active. The former lead to caution, the latter to interaction. Care renders honor to another, as a co-heir of a grace-filled life.
Is it possible to live simultaneously in a mood of care, love, and a mood of humiliation of another? Alas, no matter how much one has to try, no one succeeds in connecting these two poles. And where one is present, the other is always and inevitably destroyed.
Care for the other does not allow offending words either alone or in the presence of strangers. Moreover, even in thoughts arising nicknames, name-calling, cursing and scolding words, are immediately stopped by the movement of the soul. In a state of pure love, all this simply does not come to a person.
Therefore, work on the purity of thoughts and words becomes the first necessity on the way to true love. This work is impossible without care.
If care lives in a person, it gives rise to a movement of creation in him, and not the destruction of relationships. It protects a person from all mental and spoken aloud statements of the negative in the other. With an invisible movement of the soul, she captures all the destructive power of a constant emphasis on the bad and makes her perceive hidden self-justification in this accent. Self-justification, in which the vector of efforts for the sake of changing the other is no longer directed towards oneself, but towards the other. But the latter is also the beginning of all quarrels, great and small, which, in the form of a shaky building, will now pile up on such a foundation. In this case, protecting a person from disastrous consequences, caution stops in him the slightest trace of desire to share his misfortunes with a third person.
Instead, a person comes with the ability to forgive another for his negative qualities. The feeling of forgiveness is at the same time spiritual generosity. And is it not in this state that a person is able to really and sincerely help another? No need to think about what words to say at the same time — the words will come by themselves. No need to rush about, look for something to do. Correctly and accurately directed action in a state of spiritual care, wise love for another comes by itself. Care shifts the focus of reflection from taking care of oneself to taking care of another. Another property of care is to protect a person from reproaches against another. in itself a subtle, destructive movement of the soul. Care for the other in the bud eradicates this low human property. And in return fills the emotional experiences of a person with soft warmth. This warmth flows in every cell of his body, fills his voice, look, facial expression with a vibration of kindness. It transforms a person in his appearance, behavior, inner life.
Perhaps the most surprising property of prudence is a careful attitude to the obvious and apparent shortcomings of the other. Years go by, and one day the spouses come to understand that some properties, which they treated with negation, were in fact necessary properties. He, the other, knew about this and knew how to use this property at the right moments. But to me, who does not understand the deep meaning of what is happening and does not believe in the possibility of such a meaning, this property seems absurd, fantasy, weakness or relic. And only a sense of solicitude does not allow me to pounce on another with an active elimination of a property that is objectionable to me.
Over the years, carefulness is filled with surprisingly subtle insight and from the very first manifestations begins to capture the nature of certain properties of another person. A gentle attitude begins to be present next to the wisdom of the decisions made, the words spoken and the spiritual movements allowed in oneself.
It is prudence that gives rise in a person to the ability to create conditions for the formation of another person, but not to demand from him immediate changes that please us.
Caution does not know the requirements of reciprocity. She is one-sided. This is its central meaning. The manifestation of any demand, claim, claim, and even more so the demand: “Treat me with care!” — immediately begins to destroy the very state of care. An obsessive observation begins — whether he is careful or not — an expectation and a keen desire to be sure to be careful, finally, annoyance that he does not show this necessary and proper property in married life, and next to annoyance, resentment for himself, self-pity. Alas, scandal in such cases is inevitable. “You are not careful (or not careful) with me!” — this is the basic postulate on which the quarrel will be built, cherished in the secluded corners of the demanding soul.
It has long been known that generosity does not require reciprocal generosity. Indeed, what a generosity it is if she is waiting for compensation.
Care for others is the source of the strength that nourishes human patience and wise humility in the face of life situations. It protects a person from hasty decisions and fussy actions, supposedly designed to reason with another in a short time. She teaches in advance the understanding that fuss and haste only complicate relations, lead spouses to mutual confrontation and greatly interfere with the actual formation and development of relations. It allows, avoiding demands, to come to an agreement. It teaches you to measure time at a different pace and not to depend on the fussiness of the surrounding world, but, on the contrary, to bring wise calmness into the fussy world.
Caring for others is at the same time caring for yourself. In the depths of the movement that is born in the human soul, this is one and the same. But there is one surprising subtlety here. It is impossible to come to care if you start showing care with yourself. Such protection will remain within the limits of one person.
Care for another is like the sun, from which vital warmth continuously pours into the surrounding world. In these rays it is easy and good for everyone who falls into their stream. The most subtle properties of people begin to appear, often hidden from the gu.e.h reactions of the surrounding world. Generously supported by a caring attitude towards themselves, they sometimes open up with such force that even their owners themselves have not suspected before.
The subtlest spiritual property of a person — carefulness — fills with the same warmth the one who radiates this invisible light. External and internal clamps are removed in it, a feeling of self-acquisition and secret active knowledge of the main thing in a person — the law of cordiality appears.
“Be all of one mind, compassionate, brotherly love, merciful, friendly, humble; do not return evil for evil, or slander for slander; on the contrary, bless, knowing that you are called to this, that you may inherit the blessing. For whoever loves life and wants to see good days, keep your tongue from evil and your mouth from deceitful speech, turn away from evil and do good, seek peace and strive for it ”(1 Pet. 3, 8-11).
The anticipatory simultaneity of care, faith, love for a person — the law of cordiality sounds so paradoxical. The main thing in it is advance. From a careful attitude towards another before oneself, a similar attitude towards oneself is born. But not vice versa. This is the central meaning of the law, prudence.