Capable of a lot

New academic year, you can choose circles of interest … But sometimes it is not easy to understand how correctly the choice was made. And if the child does not care at all? The harder it is to find answers, the more responsibility weighs on us. “I envy my sister! 32-year-old Maria admits. Everything is clear to her. Her daughter was drawn to the piano as soon as she could walk. She is now 12 and making progress as a pianist. And my son is almost 10, and I do not see any abilities in him. How not to miss what should be developed?!”

Awaken interest in the world

The first thing we can do is to look closely at the child to understand what he likes. And go forward. “The main thing is not to extinguish his research interest,” says child psychologist Tatyana Bednik. Sometimes we, parents, want to be in peace and quiet – and we forbid children to run, touch some things or play with them. We feel sorry for broken toys – and we scold the child for carelessness. Meanwhile, he breaks them out of curiosity: to understand how they work.

Not allowing him to actively move, we thereby block creative energy. Things that we value, it is better to immediately put away, and not take away from the child. And these are not trifles at all. The development of his abilities will directly depend on how freely and recklessly he explores the world.

We can help him, by stimulating his imagination, to answer all the endless “why?”, to do something with him. “It is especially important that these cases are accompanied by general vivid emotions, the expectation of a miracle,” emphasizes the child psychologist. “Then the child awakens an interest in the world, which then allows his abilities to manifest.”

Many parents have the illusion that specialists will cope with this task much better. But for children, especially before adolescence, the most valuable time is the time they spend with their parents, notes psychotherapist Galina Itskovich: “For a child, communication with mom and dad is the “glue” that connects the abilities given to him by nature, and his skills. Their empathy, praise stimulate his motivation, help to keep interest in this or that business.

Sometimes it’s not even the lesson itself that is more significant for him, but the ritual associated with it: how they go home with mom or dad, and along the way they stop and eat ice cream or play on the playground. “For this alone, he will continue to practice and gain valuable experience, even if he does not later become an outstanding musician or athlete.”

Open all doors

But what if the child does not see success in anything, and there are no hobbies? Does that mean he has no ability? This question usually worries the parents of schoolchildren. Most likely, abilities are not disclosed or not developed, our experts believe.

“The light in the eyes of a child goes out most often with the beginning of schooling,” says Tatyana Bednik. “Because his parents expect good grades from him, not caring if he is interested. Do they talk to him? Not formally, about the lessons done, but about what he was doing at school or in his free time. Looking closely, we can always see in it at least a spark of interest.

Many parents and teachers sometimes interpret the concept of abilities too narrowly, Galina Itskovich believes. “Until now, the Stanford-Binet test, developed at the beginning of the last century, an analogue of the modern IQ test, is used to identify them,” she says. – It reveals, first of all, the ability for logic and abstract thinking.

But in the 1980s, Harvard University professor Howard Gardner proposed a much more convincing theory of multiple intelligences. In total, he distinguishes 8 types of intelligence, and logical-mathematical is only one of them. Our task is to open different doors for the child: here is music, here is mathematics, here is sports, here are the natural sciences … And then he will decide for himself which of the doors to enter.

Learn to overcome difficulties

While supporting the search, it is important not to forget to define the scope of this experiment. “We tried to respond to all the requests of our son,” says 38-year-old Elizaveta. – I wanted to play chess – they hired a private teacher. Then there was guitar, then Spanish. Not a single hobby lasted longer than a month. Every time I was so embarrassed to refuse the teacher! Now my son is asking me to pay for his breakdancing school.” In this case, it turns out that only parents take responsibility.

“There is no point in this,” comments Galina Itskovich. “We need to know what to expect from each other. To do this, we agree on a certain period: we create conditions for you to study, and you study, say, for six months. At the very least, the child will learn to be responsible for his decisions and see things through to the end.

Sometimes self-determination difficulties arise in children who are considered capable at school. They have an excellent memory, they quickly and easily learn the material, often read a lot and can surprise with erudition. Everything seems to be fine – but there is no main interest. It seems that they are capable of everything – and nothing in particular. And there is a danger that in the future these talents will go to waste.

“In my practice, I have seen many such children,” confirms Tatyana Bednik. – The problem is that they do not have a strong-willed component. Because everything comes so easily to them, they don’t learn how to make an effort. But abilities in themselves mean little if a person does not know how to strive for something, overcome difficulties, achieving a goal. Here, parents should set more difficult tasks for the child: look for a stronger school, load them with additional classes.

Retreat and wait

Sometimes parents proceed from the fact that abilities are not given initially, but are formed, and therefore they choose a direction for their child according to their own taste, be it sports, music, drawing, choreography, languages. Is this good or bad?

“There is only one criterion here: does the child like it,” says Tatyana Bednik. “If he doesn’t enjoy these activities, then everything is useless.” And vice versa, if the child is passionate, the classes will benefit him, even if, contrary to the hopes of his parents, he does not show special abilities, all the same, the acquired knowledge and skills will somehow go to his asset.

But it happens that a child has both abilities and interest in some business, but there is not enough perseverance. Should I force him to do this? “In traditional societies, primarily in the East, there is an idea that talents should be “beaten out” of children,” says Galina Itskovich. – To some extent, it is also characteristic of the Russian style of education. But such an approach is increasingly contrary to modern ideas that it is necessary to respect the will of the child.”

What to do when faced with resistance? “It is better to retreat and wait,” the expert muses. “If the child is really capable, then, perhaps, serious motivation will awaken in him and he himself will wonder why they stopped forcing him.”

Allow for error

“Larisa’s favorite subject is literature, and she writes beautifully. But he does not want to be a philologist or a journalist, – Lilia, the mother of an eleventh grader, is worried. – Where to go? I’m completely confused.” Even if we have managed to support the child’s abilities, it is not always obvious what profession he should choose.

“Many children of senior school age still find it difficult to understand and articulate their desires,” agrees Tatyana Bednik. But what about vocational guidance? According to the child psychologist, it makes sense only if it is personal counseling that allows you to take into account all the individual traits of the child. And the task of a psychologist is not just to make recommendations using techniques, but to help the child better understand his strengths and weaknesses.

Some abilities, especially for music, drawing, may appear early, at 2-4 years old, and parents develop them intensively. But it would be a mistake to think that the path of the child is now predetermined. Over time, other talents may open up in him, be prepared for the fact that he will change the trajectory. Even if we have invested a lot of energy in our dreams, the child is not obliged to embody them.

But what if the child, in our opinion, makes the wrong decision? “We can only share experience with him,” Galina Itskovich is sure. And then accept his choice. We may be scared. But remember how we were afraid for him when he was learning to walk, and yet we let go of his hand. Sometimes the best thing we can do is not act.”