Can you take the other person’s place?

Act 1: Unconscious projection of yourself

“Since I broke up with his father, he is constantly rude, does not obey, fights with other children. I just don’t know what to do!” Marina complains about her 6-year-old son. “If I were you, I would have a tough talk with his father. Finally, let him take care of his upbringing! It’s his son too! Why do you have to drag this cart alone?!” her friend Emma is outraged.

“If I were you” – we habitually pronounce these words, unaware that they actually mask our sense of awkwardness. We involuntarily feel it when we hear a confidential statement from another person. And ready-made formulations allow you to instantly fill a pause. “In addition, the frankness of the other, his life collision awakens our own anxieties and fears,” says psychologist Elena Stankovskaya. – And we unconsciously project them onto someone else’s situation, as if it happened not to him, but to us. Figuratively, this can be described as follows: on one of the cells of the chessboard there is a piece of another person – and we come up, remove it and substitute our own in its place. At this moment, we do not take into account at all that each person is unique, which means that his feelings, desires, needs are also unique. That is, we do not worry (really) about our interlocutor. We are full of thoughts about ourselves, immersed in our own emotions.

When we invite another to “take his place,” we take this place with our own landmarks, our history. Mistakenly attributing your feelings to others. This is exactly what happens to Emma. Marina tells her about her difficulties in raising her son. But Emma “turns the arrows” on the father of the child. This is an echo of her own difficulties in relations with her partner: unable to admit and express her anger at him, she “let off steam”, coming up with sharp remarks for her friend.

The wording “I would be in your place” also helps those who see the world in black and white to close from someone else’s problem. “The encounter with an ambiguous situation violates the picture of the world they understand and causes anxiety,” explains Elena Stankovskaya. “And then there is nothing left but to insist that the problem has only one solution.”

Act 2: Violence against another

“Yes, you are probably right,” Marina says uncertainly. “I’ll think about it…” “Of course I’m right! Emma exclaims. – I know you well, you will immediately feel better, I’m sure! What is there to think about? I wouldn’t doubt it for a minute if I were you!

From the side it is annoying to see that our friend doubts and does not do what, in our opinion, could help him. At such moments, we forget that he may not yet be ready for the next step, that he needs time for this. There is a temptation to decide everything for him. “By imposing our opinion on another, we indirectly tell him: I understand better what you need now,” explains Elena Stankovskaya. “In other words, we question his ability to be the author of his life, we do not allow him to be himself.”

The temptation to act as a parent who can teach the life of a “child” is especially great today: there are so many books on psychology around, and it seems to many that they have in their hands the keys to all the secrets of the soul. In fact, this is how our unconscious desire is manifested to assert itself at the expense of another, to gain power over him.

The expression “to take the place of another person” in the literal sense means to drive someone out of his place, to usurp this place in order to position himself in it. Saying “I would be in your place”, we thereby say: “Listen to how I will talk to you about you.” Or simply: “Listen to me!” At this moment, we are focused on ourselves, and the other is forgotten, but we pretend that we care about him …

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Act 3: Exchange of experience

Marina enters an Internet forum of parents and talks about problems with her son. She asks for help: “Have any of you had a similar situation? Share how you coped! Answers immediately appear: “I understand, I went through all this!” “I was in your place…”

If we have experienced the same as another person, it is easier for us to imagine his thoughts and emotions, to show empathy. That is why support groups, both virtual and real (including psychotherapeutic ones), are so effective. In this case, the words “I can take your place” are quite acceptable, and often even desirable.

“Those who find themselves in a difficult situation see that they are not alone,” explains psychologist Marina Khazanova. – The people around him (group members) experienced something similar and managed to cope. It does not matter here who you are – a top manager or a postman, all social roles fade into the background. No one condemns, teaches, evaluates, on the contrary, sympathizes and supports.” In addition, in the group you can get useful information. Marina, for example, was recommended good books on education.

But even if we went through the same painful experience, this does not mean that the recovery will be the same. It is worth avoiding the temptation to insist on your “recommendations,” Elena Stankovskaya warns: “It’s good when someone who shares experience understands that he is not the only possible one. And leaves room for the other to make his own decisions.” “Our experience, as well as our life in general, is the highest value,” Marina Khazanova is sure. – And value cannot be imposed, it can only be offered, given to those who accept it as a gift. So you can ask: do you want me to share with you? And be prepared to be rejected.

Act 4: Empathic relationship

“Your son is between two families, between two parents. Imagine yourself in his place!” Listening to the words of another friend of hers, Marina saw the situation more clearly. It simply did not occur to her to look at what was happening through the eyes of her child.

There is a big difference between saying “I’d be in your place…” and actually trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. In the first case, we do not take into account another opinion, only our own. In the second case, on the contrary, we try to stop being the center of our attention, move away from our point of view in order to look at the situation with different eyes. “The ancient Greeks proposed a universal mechanism that helps us understand the other from his depth, and this is nothing more than refraining from judgment,” explains Marina Khazanova. – By refusing to look at a person through the prism of our ideas and assessments, we get a chance to understand the other in his integrity, to feel what his experiences are. different from ours!” “At the same time, it is important to remember that our impression may be erroneous,” adds Elena Stankovskaya. – And in the course of the dialogue, constantly check yourself: do I understand the interlocutor correctly? That’s the only way to really get close to his feelings.”

But such active listening also implies sincere, disinterested sympathy, emphasizes Marina Khazanova. “To sympathize means to experience, trying to understand and support. This experience should be distinguished from another situation, when we also put ourselves in the place of another person, understand how bad it would be for us in this place, and worry more about ourselves, because it’s hard for us to look at his suffering.

The author of the method of active listening, Carl Rogers, noted another important feature of empathy: “Feel the client’s personal world as if it were our own”*. Of course, a friend is not a psychotherapist. But the “as if” rule holds true for all helping relationships. It helps not to confuse yourself with another person, not to identify yourself with him. “In contrast to the arrogant position of those who consider themselves capable of taking the place of another, the empathic position is essentially modest, since it recognizes our limitations,” emphasizes Marina Khazanova.

And this position is more difficult, because at first it makes us feel worthless. After all, we do not so much speak ourselves as we listen, trying to “feel into” the other. But this is the most valuable thing we can give. “The other person finally feels understood and accepted,” says Marina Khazanova. “No one condemns him or teaches him how to live. There is a striking effect: he begins to better understand himself, his capabilities and his limits. That is, it becomes more holistic.” And at such moments, he can find the best solution for the problem for him.

K. Rogers “Becoming a Personality: A Look at Psychotherapy” (Esmo-press, 2001).

Young Canadian photographer Hana Pesut has been working on the Switcheroo project for two years. It involves couples that she met on the street and on trips.