Can you speak to each other?

1. Do I feel free enough to allow myself to ask, give, receive, and reject what comes from the other?

2. What words can I use to describe our relationship?

3. If one day my feelings for a partner began to change, would I have the courage to say so?

4. By the time I entered into this relationship, had I managed to achieve independence from previous ties – with my mother, father, with my previous partner?

What do the answers say?

1. Be able to ask, give, accept and reject – these are the four cornerstones on which healthy, harmonious relationships are built. Otherwise, one of the spouses may feel that he is not heard, not appreciated and not accepted the way he feels, that he does not receive gratitude or does not have space for dialogue. And this creates a feeling of failure in the relationship, which, repeated, can overshadow the future of the couple.

2. Classical marital relations, camaraderie, love and friendship, a common path of parenthood, living together for economic reasons, mutual responsibility for the material component of life – it is important to identify and be able to name all the components of the union so that each of the partners can better see their role and their place in a pair, understand mutual expectations and the essence of the relationship.

3. This is perhaps the most painful situation in a couple’s life. It takes courage to accept your true feelings. Often this discovery is unbearable for the one who discovers the change or hears such recognition from another. But talking about love at such a moment means helping yourself to sort out your feelings, focusing on your deepest (un)desire to continue living together and hear the desire of another person.

4. Here we come into contact with one of the main pillars on which the life of a couple is built, namely, the need for autonomy at different levels. It is important not to become addicted and not to spoil the relationship with the invisible presence of the “third person”, who remains too significant a figure.

Bella, 40 years old, seventeen years married to Maxim, 40 years old

“We guess rather than talk…”

“A dozen and a half years of marriage, two wonderful children … and a midlife crisis, from which we are slowly trying to get out. Maxim was not enthusiastic about the idea of ​​summing up the intermediate results. And when I saw that the questions were open-ended, with no answer options, I was indignant at all: “What kind of nonsense is this? This is not a real test. I still have to come up with answers myself … ”In the end, we started: he was openly opposed, I felt awkward, but still I really wanted to know what he really thinks about us. As a result, I was encouraged and even surprised by the sheer depth and sincerity of his feelings. He admitted that he always loved me and continues to love me, he is confident in his feelings and completely freed himself from emotional dependence on his “ex” and on his mother. My husband calls our relationship just a marriage, but I add the word “difficult”. In the end, Maxim remarked: “Of course, difficult. We are too different. But we also have serious trump cards – we know each other so well that I was able to guess all your answers, and you – mine. In addition, we know perfectly well what the other needs. To satisfy these needs, one step remains to be taken, but it turns into an abyss. It’s true, we guess each other’s thoughts, but this does not mean that we are talking about it or that Maxim is ready to fulfill my requests. It is also true that I myself do not always respect his desires, especially his desire for intimacy. I’ll try to think about what I can change … “

Recorded by Ksenia Kiseleva

4 questions for two

1. Are we able to express what we expect from each other? Can we speak clearly about the contribution of each to the common life? Are we sufficiently aware of what exactly in the other is unacceptable for us?

2. Do we understand our needs in this relationship? The need to speak out and be heard; the need to be accepted and appreciated; need for closeness the need to create one’s environment and influence it; need to dream…

3. Are we able to say about our weakness, vulnerability, about what kind of words, gestures or actions of a partner will hurt us?

4. Do we have the courage to disagree with what is unacceptable to us?

What do the answers say?

1. These questions will help to understand what feeds our couple. Lasting alliances exist not so much because of shared love, but because each partner finds his own way to “nourish” the relationship. Thus, both make sure that the expectations of one match the contribution of the other as closely as possible, and do not go too far into the territory of the unacceptable.

2. We often underestimate the needs that are realized in our relationships, or simply do not think about them. And this causes a lot of disappointment. After all, it is (dis)respect for one’s own needs that can revive relationships, give them momentum, or, conversely, hurt us and emasculate our connection.

3. This is probably the most intimate part of ourselves, which you need to have the courage to open to another. Decide to talk about your pain points, about what is unbearable for us, in order to avoid mutual discontent and irritation. Speaking in the first person is often more difficult than blaming someone else: “It’s all you!”

4. There are two types of messages in a love union. Some are positive, benevolent, which will nourish the relationship, causing a desire to continue living together. Others are negative: depreciation of the other, reproaches, non-constructive criticism. They hurt a partner, harm relationships, and sometimes make them impossible. In order to maintain healthy communication, we need to understand that in reproaching a partner comes from his personal history, from his own past wounds. And do not use it against him and do not take these reproaches personally.