Can you help a codependent friend?

Many of us have girlfriends who are in co-dependent relationships. Someone transfers communication with them easily, not taking what is happening to heart. Someone feels very needed and useful when supporting them in grief. Someone gets upset and angry, but does not tell a loved one about it. Someone swears, and someone completely terminates a long-term relationship.

Can we really help a friend who is in a codependent relationship? And how can we save ourselves if we feel that such communication is not good for us?

Like the first time

“Sveta and I have been friends since the first grade, I was a witness at her first wedding,” says Kira, 45. – The second was quite recently, but this marriage is no different from the previous one. Sveta calls to complain about Valera, her second husband. Both the former and current spouses of Sveta are alcoholics. She, however, calls it differently: “gets carried away”, “drinks”, “goes over”.

I forgot the last time we discussed books, music, exhibitions. Sometimes it seems to me that all our communication was reduced to a discussion of Valera. And in the same way, before him, we discussed Igor … Sometimes it bothers me a lot.

Popular psychology recommends being mindful of your desires and motivations. However, when in reality we are faced with the fact that a friend does not act the way we would like, or her relationship turns out to be somehow “wrong”, it is not always clear to us how to behave. What should we proceed from when we decide whether to spend our resources on supporting a loved one or not?

“It matters whether we are faced with this for the first time or this is a characteristic story,” says practical psychologist Anastasia Dolganova. – It’s one thing if a friend behaved adequately, her relationship was full and joyful, and then her husband began to drink and she began to complain about him. And it’s completely different if for her this is a more or less constant story in which the characters change – husband, boss, mother, child, and so on.

In the first case, we are more in a position to help because the behavior develops in specific toxic relationships, and outside support can indeed be valuable. In the second case, we can talk about a co-dependent personality structure, about a global way of living. And within the framework of friendly relations, nothing can be done about this method: here we have neither sufficient rights nor the necessary skills.

Yes, but!

“Ira rejects all my proposals,” Katya is angry. – I advise her to go to a group for co-dependents – she replies that she has to travel far. I slip psychological literature – she says that she does not have time to read. It’s terribly annoying.”

Often dialogues with girlfriends completely repeat the scheme of the psychological game “Why don’t you…? “Yes, but…”, described by Eric Berne. Why are we trying to “win” this game, day after day, conversation after conversation?

“If we continue to try to have such dialogues despite the fact that a friend has already refused us, this suggests that we deny our own powerlessness,” says Anastasia Dolganova. – Our strong feelings at the same time are quite understandable: a co-dependent woman herself lives in the triangle “Aggressor-Victim-Savior”, and provokes her friends to act out the same roles, and this can make her angry. The scheme itself is incredibly powerful. We may find ourselves doing something “saving” before we have consciously chosen it. Therefore, if you do not want to be a rescuer, give up, and as soon as possible.

You are not responsible for your friend’s life. And she is either able to change, or not capable, recalls Anastasia Dolganova. If you are in pain, you should take care of yourself: for example, increase the distance, reduce the amount of communication.

A big difference

“When I tell Olya that I’m not ready to listen to her monologue today, she gets offended,” Rita complains. – He makes claims to me – they say, girlfriends exist for this! I ask her to go to a psychologist, but Olya believes that paying money to a stranger “for just listening to me” is stupid and impractical, and everything a psychologist can do, I can do for her … “

The position “a friend is better than a psychologist” is supported by numerous myths and stereotypes. For example, that the psychotherapist simply listens to the client and does not offer him anything. Or – about the fact that you can’t be as frank with a stranger as with a girlfriend, because he knows so little about our life. In fact, these are completely different relationships, the rights and obligations of friends and psychologists are very different.

“Friendly relations imply reciprocity,” explains Anastasia Dolganova. – It means: “If now we are doing something for you, then later we are symmetrically doing something for me.” And a friend who only shares problems and complains without giving anything in return may not be such a friend. And I have the right to make any decisions in our relationship, as well as to make claims for time and attention. I can protest against the consumption of common space and resources for a certain Vasya. I have the right to look after my own interests.”

Often friends who charge us with the duty to serve their needs forget about this reciprocity. But it is precisely such a “selfish” attitude that a professional can provide them, and there will be more benefits from this.

“In a working relationship, I put not my interests at the forefront, but the interests of the client, and my payment compensates for the difference in the “me-you” balance,” says the psychologist. “I will take care of the interests of the client throughout the therapy.”

Power of impotence

But what can we do for our girlfriends?

“The position of the victim is addictive and makes a person ignore their power. If you see that a friend is really trying to improve her life, but she, like many, does not succeed right away, emphasize that you see her strength, the psychologist advises. “You can be angry with her about what is happening, support her in anger and in furious defensive decisions. And, of course, remind her of her intelligence, beauty and courage. This will give your girlfriend the vitality that sometimes gets eaten away by addictive relationships.”

Anastasia Dolganova offers an algorithm that can be used in conversations with a loved one who is in a state of codependency. Here is an example of such a message: “I believe that since the beginning of this relationship, you have become emotionally and physically worse. You are always in anxiety, you think about him all the time, we began to see each other less often.

Your stories say that he is an alcoholic, a drug addict, a consumer, a liar, a rapist, and you will not be happy with him. I will never support you in such a relationship and I think that this relationship should be ended. I can tell you what I think is the right thing to do for this. And I also know that there are specialists and public organizations that help get out of bad relationships.

This text may need to be repeated several times. And if after it nothing happens at all, it means that we should still try to accept our impotence, the expert believes. Sometimes this is the best thing we can do for ourselves and for our girlfriend.