For twenty years now I have been aware of what is happening on the personal front of one friend. She complains to me in a friendly way about men’s sins, and I listen, in a friendly sympathy. And usually her complaints converge on the question: how can I influence him so that he changes?
It is noteworthy that she met men of different social affiliation, income level, and nationality, and the set of claims against them plus or minus the same: inattention, insecurity and immoderation in drinking alcohol. Many here will say, they say, no wonder the portrait is recognizable. But why put it in the same frame as yours?
It seems that, if we do not consider extreme situations with insurmountable circumstances, each person has the life that corresponds to his inner needs. And yet everyone has a need to love and be loved.
But how many people are satisfied with their relationship, you know? How is it, for example, that two people live side by side, but feel alone? Chekhov, he generally said: «If you are afraid of loneliness, then do not marry.» It turns out that the theory that internal needs create our reality does not work? After all, it is impossible to imagine that so many people had the need to suffer and suffer!
And the clue is that not all needs that lead to a disappointing outcome are obvious.
As a Gestalt therapist, I understand that the desire to remake a partner is rooted in a dysfunctional childhood experience. When the parent does not quite cope with his function, then the child, in order to somehow survive, needs to be encouraged to behave correctly. But how?
The secret of love for a person begins at the moment when we look at him without the desire to possess him.
The child does not have many tools: to hold on to his emotions, otherwise it will be worse, to adapt, capturing the mood of the parent, and try to manipulate him, feeling for sensitive strings.
This way of building relationships, which proved effective in childhood, is reproduced in adulthood. Hence the difficulty in openly presenting oneself and in expressing one’s emotions. Hence the need to constantly control and manipulate the other.
No matter how paradoxical it may sound, an attentive and loving partner is not suitable for a person with such experience, it simply does not evoke feelings. What is needed is the “wrong” one in order to correct and achieve something important from him. Such is the psychological trap.
However, we can only change ourselves, only our own stereotypes. And since like tends to like, following the internal changes, the surrounding world also changes. And then there are people with whom life becomes more fulfilling and joyful. I confirm this with confidence — I checked it for myself!
Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh wrote about this: “The secret of love for a person begins at the moment when we look at him without the desire to possess him, without the desire to rule over him, without the desire to use his gifts or his personality in any way — we just look and we are amazed at the beauty that has been revealed to us.