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Everyone wants to change at least something in themselves – to become less irritable, less suspicious, more self-confident, more optimistic. It’s not easy, but everyone has the opportunity to be themselves…only better!
“It was an interview with a third employer. I was terribly worried. But as soon as I entered the office, I seemed to have a second wind. I seemed to be transformed – the usual anxiety disappeared, giving way to some unfamiliar confidence. Now, six months later, 38-year-old Natalia is in the same position she got that day. Although she still often worries, because the usual self-doubt returned to her, which then let her go only for a while.
Probably everyone has experienced a moment when suddenly we were able to overcome our own barriers and confidently take a step forward. In such a situation, we do not become a different person – we just use our best qualities. If only such an experience could become a part of everyday life! If only we could put an end to morbid timidity or uncontrollable anxiety and walk towards the unknown calmly and confidently!
We confuse fantasies and the real fact of change, deep internal change with external, superficial changes.
Change, inner metamorphosis—isn’t that what coaches and psychotherapists are leading up to? One look at the shelves of any bookstore reserved for psychological literature gives the answer to this question: “Change your life in seven days!”, “Transform to become happy!”, “Look at life in a new way!”.
But, according to the existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova, we will make a serious mistake if we take these tempting promises literally: hard”. Such slogans are based on a misunderstanding of change: we live in an era when any change seems feasible – on the screens and in magazines we see people who managed to literally break through to prosperity, to become stars from nowhere.
“In our time, abrupt changes in professional, love or geographical terms are a common thing,” agrees business coach Olga Mukhina. – So it seems to us that it is possible to turn your life around 180 degrees in the blink of an eye. But we confuse fantasies and the real fact of change, deep internal change with external, superficial changes.
What can be changed
Psychoanalysis initially outlines the boundaries: we cannot radically change ourselves. But we are able to start living differently – it is better to use the qualities that we possess. To end the fears that poison our lives, to cope with anxiety, to get rid of addictions … Each such step is the key to internal changes.
“Before, speaking in public, in front of any audience, was just a nightmare for me,” recalls 29-year-old Mikhail. Through group therapy, he learned to conquer anxiety. “I still worry, but now I know that somewhere inside me there is also a confidence that can make me stronger. The therapy helped me connect with that part of myself.” To change does not mean to become different, but, in the words of Nietzsche, “to become oneself” … only better.
We want to go beyond the usual schemes with only one goal – step by step to come to ourselves, to our true essence.
But what to say to a pessimist who would like to become an optimist? Or a person exhausted by stress and dreaming of peace of mind? “You already have everything you dream of,” Olga Mukhina replies. – Simply due to family or personal circumstances, you “specialized” in one or another trait of your character. And so long ago that they had time to believe: this is your nature. But even if a person has been suffering from depression for many years, joy still lives in some corner of his soul. The only question is how to change the attitude, your view of the situation and your behavior, shift the emphasis.
The process of change in this case will require a different view of the world, of oneself and of other people, in order to “disconnect” from depression and turn to joy. “To change means to learn how to manage the scales, while not giving up your former self,” continues Olga Mukhina. “Qualities of character, because of which something didn’t work out in the best way earlier, sadness or anger, anxiety continue to live in us and at some other moment in life can be very useful.”
Why is it so hard
The thirst for change is not a whim or a fad. It not only expresses dissatisfaction, but also reminds of a vital need. “The snake that cannot change its skin perishes,” wrote Nietzsche. The desire to transform, grow above oneself, develop is in human nature. In a sense, it distinguishes us from other animals, helps to go in the same rhythm with the natural movement of life.
You cannot step into the same river twice, and the desire to change leads us through life, which is movement. Especially if we want to go beyond the usual patterns of behavior in order to get a little closer to ourselves every day.
“Many of the features we have are only partly ours,” explains psychotherapist Alain Delurme. “We inherited them from our parents. Internal changes are the way to gain independence.” We try to separate ourselves from the projections of the family and society. And that’s why it’s so hard…
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it is necessary that the light bulb itself wants to change! As with any joke, you can see some truth in this one, recalls Alain Delurme.
“In order to change, it is not enough to recognize the need for it and declare it. The one who says: “I am in a bad mood, I want to become more cheerful” does not necessarily want to change. Maybe he wants to complain and hopes to be heard. The very desire to change is already work. Because by nature we resist change.
What to expect from others
The work of change goes against the unconscious desire: even if the habitual way of life seems unbearable, we benefit from it. He teaches to meet the expectations of others, gives his “face”. And to change means to disrupt an established life, perhaps to upset loved ones …
“I lived in anguish for a long time – I was often discouraged, I was hard pressed by every failure,” admits 34-year-old Marina. “A year ago, I turned to a psychoanalyst because I was tired of my gloominess, and I couldn’t look at life differently.” During psychoanalysis, Marina discovered that her melancholy was a response to the depressive nature of her grandmother who raised her. “I was unconsciously afraid that being different would mean breaking the bond with my grandmother.” To change, we need to understand that we can keep the object of love, while separating from the emotions associated with it. For Marina, it was sadness.
“Change without outside help is very difficult,” confirms Svetlana Krivtsova. “We need the support of a person who will help us look at the usual image of ourselves from the outside, see our own reflection in the views of loved ones, and realize what we would like to look like.” Otherwise, there is a danger of becoming a living illustration of the words of La Fontaine in the fable “The Cat Turned into a Woman”: “Drive nature through the door – it will fly in through the window.”
internal conservative
Some part of the personality does not want to change and blocks any efforts. This is how resistance works. This is a universal property of the psyche – to counteract the awareness of those desires, ideas, feelings that can destroy the usual image of oneself, lead to a change in lifestyle or relationships that we value. Sigmund Freud was the first to note this mental feature.
Working with patients with hysteria, he noticed that at a certain point the patient began to resist treatment: he seemed to refuse to be aware of the repressed painful memories – those that caused anxiety, feelings of guilt or shame, aggression. He preferred not to know, and the psychoanalyst helped him overcome this resistance. And although the concept of “resistance” mainly refers to the technique of psychotherapy, it can be observed in everyday situations.
What will help you get better
Business coach Olga Mukhina encourages you to think about the motives that underlie the desire for change.
1. You can’t change for others
Someone wants to change, for example, in order to keep a loved one. But we have no power over the desire of another. When we try to change for someone, we interpret their needs in our own way. And initially we start from the wrong positions.
We are changing for ourselves. Change must be a personal act. The good news is that another, such as our child, will also benefit from the results of the transformation.
2. You can’t change by running away from reality.
Love failure, daily overload, stress … We are seized by the desire to quit everything and start from scratch. But when we run away, we run into what we wanted to escape from. Yes, we left work from annoying colleagues, but at the slightest failure, anger will seize again. To change, you must first defeat the inner demons.
We are changing to face life. To become a better person, you must be willing to deeply explore yourself and relationships with others, which means going through a crisis. It hurts because before you can change yourself, you have to question your own beliefs and face negative traits.
3. You can’t change in revenge
For example, after a love breakup, start behaving completely differently than before. Such changes are based on lies to oneself, and therefore fragile and painful. They bring pain because of the gap between who we want to appear and what we feel inside.
We change to enrich our own world. It means to open up to new things, to other people, to learn to hear and understand them. This will help to gain new strength to live and act “in the name” of something, and not “against”.