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Social networks and dating apps are the first thing that comes to mind today for someone who wants to take a step towards a new relationship. But will such a meeting be successful?
Oh sure…
Irina Panyukova, psychotherapist, sexologist
“Love can be found anywhere, including on the Web. Acquaintance there most often begins with correspondence. Alone with the screen, we are in a sense talking to ourselves (although we are addressing our message to another) and therefore, from the very first words, we are sometimes more frank than when meeting with a stranger. And we have time to think about the words. This makes some people nervous in trying to achieve perfection, but for others it becomes a salvation – they can finally say exactly what they want, and not pick up the right lines when the conversation is already over.
They say that correspondence can become a tool of manipulation. Partly so – but the one who is set up for intimacy and does not take wishful thinking (as happens when we are too burdened by our loneliness) will be able to unravel the manipulation! Skype gives a chance to those who are not strong in expressing emotions in writing, but are able to express themselves in a conversation.
However, do not delay communication on the Web. After two to three weeks of written communication, it makes sense to talk on the phone, then chat through the camera and meet in person. Such a pace will allow the two to overcome the timidity that prevents them from getting to know each other in everyday life, and at the same time not to replace reality with fantasy – and this danger arises with a protracted romance on the Web. After all, the information that we receive about the interlocutor is 80% beyond words. The correspondence of verbal and non-verbal information is important, and this is checked only in personal communication.
On the Web, we are not looking for love as such, but for someone we can love. And whether we will be able to – depends heavily on our ability to enter into a dialogue, open up, share joy with another. Be prepared and don’t limit yourself to any one resource – it can happen at any time: on a travel portal, in a nearby store or on a dating site.
Yes, but …
Marina Harutyunyan, psychoanalyst
“For those who meet on the Web, the fantasy of a partner as a sexual object precedes a real meeting with him. This sets the stage for disappointment, because in life we react primarily to appearance, facial expressions, manner of speaking and holding on, smell. All this awakens sexual attraction and gives rise to a fantasy that causes a desire to get to know the other better. Sincere and intellectual contact continues rapprochement, and fantasy becomes more realistic.
On the Web, this natural course of events for us is reversed: first we determine the area of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbcommon interests, then an emotional exchange occurs, we begin to fantasize about sexual topics and think that we have found the best partner. It remains to turn on the erotic modality, which is possible only at a meeting. And if the “switching on” did not take place, we are left with nothing.
In reality, we are also not immune from disappointments, but they appear gradually and keep us from taking further steps towards rapprochement. And with online dating, disappointment sets in sharply, when it seemed that we were already at the goal. On dating sites, the goal is stated, and this destroys flirting, the beauty of which lies in the uncertainty of intentions. And reduces the distance, making the interlocutors more vulnerable. The risk for pride here can be both higher and lower.
On the one hand, a person has not yet had time to become attached – and is already rejected, it does not hurt so much, these are just the rules of the game. On the other hand, the format itself exposes competition, which is usually hidden in life, and it can be humiliating to feel like a “commodity”, all the more unclaimed. But such sites expand the fan of possibilities: we meet with those whom we would not meet in our everyday life. And difficulties lie in wait for anyone who is looking for true love, no matter where he is looking for it.
Through a dating site to a happy marriage
Nikita, 37, military, and Olesya, 33, English teacher
Is he: I am not one of those men who are ready to go up to the woman they like on the street and get to know each other. I never really went to clubs or bars. In my youth, friends often introduced me, but I could only find my chosen one on the Internet. I remember that 8 years ago I moved to a closed military camp in the Moscow region, where I received additional education. There, colleagues advised me one dating site, which by that time they themselves had tried. “Why not? Can you chat?” I thought.
Olesya became the first girl with whom I began to correspond, and, as it turned out later, the only one. I immediately liked her outwardly, although I understood that so far it was only a photograph. I was struck by how quickly and easily we found topics for communication and common interests. We were able to meet for the first time only two months later, when I came to Moscow for a vacation. I was looking forward to our meeting, and it was worth it. I remember that day as now, I immediately realized that I was not mistaken and that I wanted to continue our relationship with Olesya. Everything developed gradually with us, at first we corresponded more, and then, when I returned to Moscow for good, we began to see each other more often, get closer, get to know each other. I am grateful to fate that I was able to find a person who became my friend, life partner and mother of my children.
She is: My first marriage did not work out for various reasons. We started dating back in school: first love, butterflies in my stomach … but when we got married and began to live together, everything changed. We entered different universities, each began a new life, and there was not enough room for the other. We both developed, but as if in completely opposite directions, and when we realized this, we filed for divorce. After marriage, I was in no hurry to start a relationship, I enjoyed a carefree student life, and when I went to work, there was no time left for my personal life. And so the idea of online dating was born. I won’t say that I particularly believed in such love, but I had a good example of a girlfriend before my eyes, so I also decided to try my luck. And I found it. True, the path was not fast.
At first, our communication was complicated by the fact that we were in different cities. But the first meeting changed a lot. I remember how much I was worried: these are very unusual feelings when you already know a lot about a person, but you see him for the first time – and he is still a complete stranger to you. It’s as if you are starting to recognize him again, however, having already a certain base of facts with you, which makes your communication more intense and interesting. I won’t say that on my part it was love at first sight, it all started with sympathy. But gradually Nikita began to open up from different sides, I liked how he combines a serious disposition and a sparkling sense of humor – this is what immediately bribed me and that I could only discover in person. In total, we met for about two and a half years, when Nikita proposed to me. Now we have a strong and friendly family, and we already have two children: Tanya and Maxim.
From virtual communication to real
Lada, 40, designer, and Ilya, 38, music critic. Together 10 years.
She is: Before meeting Ilya, I was married, gave birth to a daughter, but the family did not work out. I was 25 years old, I was trying to establish a personal life. Sometimes some kind of relationship began, but quickly ended.
For five years I was alone, a psychologist helped me cope with depression. Once, on a social network, I stumbled upon a discussion about classical music, read Ilya’s comment and was delighted: what an interesting person! I started reading it. We exchanged comments – and so, word for word, moved to “private messages”. We chatted like that for days and nights … Then we met, it was my initiative. I didn’t like Elijah. But the conversation was interesting. Everything changed suddenly. We went to a concert, and then sat in a cafe. Ilya was telling something and suddenly burst out laughing – loudly, from the bottom of his heart. And it immediately became clear to me: a person who knows how to laugh like that cannot be bad!
We started dating. I have never been on dating sites, but for some reason many people think that it was there that we met. And we do not deny – after all, what’s the difference? Ilya is not only my husband, he is the best and closest friend, I can learn a lot from him. Not everything in our relationship went smoothly: we are both stubborn and uncompromising. But over time, we became convinced that being together is more important for us than the desire to insist on our own. And they began to learn to give in to each other.
Is he: While we were talking on the Internet, I imagined Lada differently: for some reason I thought that she was such a business lady, a cut above me … By the way, it turned out that six years before I met her I saw her photo on the cover of a magazine. I was completely fascinated by Lada’s manner of conducting a conversation. Although I can not say that I immediately fell in love with her. I remember saying a line from Dudintsev’s novel – and it turned out that she not only read his “White Clothes”, but also loves this book. This put me right in front of her.
Before our meeting with Lada, I had no experience of living together, and it was not easy for me to give up what I was used to … But I quickly felt that she was faithful, reliable, “my” person. We both love to go hiking, only Lada has always been fond of hiking, and I – water. I am grateful to her for taking me to places where you can’t swim on the water – to Nepal, for example. These trips brought us very close, I generally consider them the leitmotif of our life. Lada has a special talent for inventing trips, planning routes, finding amazing places … And the second thing that was extremely important for me is that she shares my musical interests. With the birth of our son, our life has become fuller and more fun. Wife-friend – it’s great! And whoever thinks that a wife cannot be a friend is badly mistaken. We certainly have a happy marriage.