Can Tinder save you from divorce?

Looking back, I understand that the discord in our family began long ago, almost immediately after the birth of my son, who is now fifteen. I turned into a crazy mother, quit my job and completely dived into caring for the child, while my husband took over the provision of the family. He worked very hard, did not require my attention, and that suited me.

As my son grew up, I realized that I wanted to return to my old life: spend time with my husband, feel loved and desired. However, the husband completely took a guide to his career and, working on television, due to the specifics of filming, could be there for days.

All these years, he assured me that very soon he would be able to reach the point where he could afford to relax. I have said many times: earn less, we have enough, just spend more time with us.

I often went on vacation with my son. I always went to the cinema, guests, restaurants and theaters with my friends. I felt lonely and unwanted. My husband needed a constant adrenaline rush and a search for himself. But not intimacy with me.

The question arose – what’s next? After tears and reflections, I said that I was filing for divorce. He was categorically against it. He assured me that my son and I are the most precious thing he has. We even went on vacation with the whole family. And then everything returned to normal, and I again tuned in to a divorce.

Everything changed when my friend jokingly dropped: “Why are you getting a divorce? You don’t see him anyway.” And gradually I began to realize – he is still my close friend, whom you can rely on. For him, a divorce would be a huge blow, and I didn’t want to feel guilty.

I really missed male attention, admiring eyes, feeling like a woman. And I first came to Tinder for fun.

When they began to write to me, to make compliments, I will not hide, I liked it. I agreed to the first meeting and was very worried. For the first time in a long time, I felt desired, because my husband refused me this. My new friend really liked me. We met again, and yes, we had sex.

I decided to give other candidates a chance, and began dating several men at the same time. So I received so much admiration and attention, how many have not been in all the years of our marriage.

I don’t want romance or falling in love. Everything in my life is the same: my husband is my relative, my best friend. What he is not able to give me – a sense of celebration – is given by others. I don’t feel guilty. Everything fell into place. I have a family, I have motherhood, but I also have my own secret romantic life. And one does not exclude the other.

“The internal deficit of love cannot be patched up by external events”

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

It happens that a woman, like a heroine, completely goes into motherhood. For relationships, this is a big problem, and if nothing is done, then often a man, in turn, not only goes headlong into work, but also – let’s be realistic – gets himself a “fighting girlfriend”. Then outwardly the situation stabilizes, the husband “does not require attention”, but the relationship is already empty.

And now, after 15 years, a woman feels lonely and unnecessary. This is a test for her as a person: the child has grown up, it’s time to occupy yourself with something else.

A mature person begins to look for himself in the profession and self-realization and sees support in himself. The infantile habitually solves the problem through the least resistance, looking for external confirmation of his need and attractiveness.

It may work temporarily, but the trouble is that it does not help with maturation and development. The internal deficit of self-love cannot be patched up by external events. The idea that the marriage is saved here raises serious doubts.

The heroine calls her husband “a relative and best friend”, but the story does not say that she discussed her decision to diversify her personal life with him and he agreed. However, friends do not lie. They lie to those with whom it is impossible to be close and frank. The secret inevitably corrodes the relationship from the inside.

It is alarming for the heroine, who does not understand at all what kind of moral collapse she is striving for. In pursuit of the momentary process of her growing up failed. It seems to her that the tragedy was avoided, but the opposite is true.

Once youth ends, and all that we have gained – honesty in relationships, perseverance in their establishment, the strength of our personality, the experience of overcoming difficulties – all this becomes especially necessary for us.

Maturity is our only capital. And next to us is either a really close person with whom we honestly went through fire and water, or a stranger with whom we formally coexisted for many years, but never met.

We make this choice in every family crisis, and it is very important to make it honestly for ourselves.