Everyone has probably heard about the need to believe in yourself and achieve your goals in order to finally become the authors of your own life. But are we all equally capable of “believing” and “achieving”? What determines our resilience?
The concept of resilience is becoming one of the key concepts for modern psychology. And if many words in scientific use do not mean quite the same (and sometimes not at all) as in ordinary life, then this does not happen with resilience. Psychologists see it in exactly the same way as we all do – the ability to withstand difficulties, believe in yourself and achieve your goals.
However, the popularity of this concept has given rise to many textbooks and trainings aimed at fostering resilience. At the same time, their authors often proceed from the premise that this quality can be brought up in absolutely everyone and by approximately the same methods. Psychotherapist Maxine Harley challenges this point of view and shares her views on the concept of resilience and how to achieve it.
Sponge wall
Not all of us are equally able to show resilience and develop it in ourselves. If we consider this quality as a set of necessary psychological tools, then textbooks and trainings are certainly useful for those who already have some of these tools in their arsenal.
Such people are able to quickly master the missing “toolkit” and effectively use it in the future.
But what about those who have never even seen this very “tool box”? Those who lack the necessary personality traits and psychological skills. Attempts to teach them resilience according to common patterns can not only be of no benefit, but even cause serious harm. A positive result will not be achieved, and this will only undermine the already low self-esteem.
If we compare the education of resilience to the construction of a wall that protects us from the onslaught of life’s difficulties, then for some this wall is built from real bricks, while for others – from bath sponges. Which fit evenly and neatly, according to all the rules of logic: “I must believe in myself”, “I must face difficulties”. But without deep emotional certainty, these arguments are worth little.
And the wall, which looks very strong and very real from a distance, swells and falls apart, as soon as the sponge-bricks are saturated with fear and emotional insecurity. No arguments of logic, no “I should”, no longer work, the oldest, reptilian part of the brain turns on in us with its inexorable message – “you can’t fight, run or fall and pretend to be dead.”
Tools and reasons for their absence
What is the “toolkit” of resilience? First of all, an inner confidence that we are able to cope with any difficulty and in the most difficult situation we will certainly make every effort to win.
Next comes the ability and willingness to rely on one’s strength. This is not about hypertrophied independence and the desire to separate ourselves from everyone else, but about the realization that if at a difficult moment we have no one to rely on, we will find enough strength in ourselves not to give up.
Important features also include the ability not to succumb to doubts and fear of failure, but, on the contrary, the ability to perceive the inevitable difficulties in life as challenges that mobilize our resources.
And finally, this is a healthy assessment of what is happening. The ability to fill events with positive meaning in order to perceive life not as a series of troubles, but as a series of lessons, each of which enriches us and makes us even stronger.
It is most difficult for people to acquire these abilities who have experienced traumatic experiences in childhood.
Here are the most negative childhood influences:
- A child in childhood was not allowed to be himself and develop his own identity, and with it courage and self-confidence.
- The child was perceived by adults as an object of their own feelings (whether positive or negative), and not as an autonomous person.
- The child for a long time was forced to pretend to “wear a mask” in order to meet the expectations of the family.
- The child was perceived by narcissistic parents as an extension of themselves, or was forced by circumstances to show himself too early in the parental role in relation to other family members. In both cases, one can again speak of an underdeveloped self-identity.
- The child was rejected or was the victim of abuse (emotional or physical).
- The child was overprotective and did not have enough opportunities to get in touch with real life and form strategies to counter its difficulties.
- The child did not see examples and role models of resilience in his family.
six rules
Does this mean that those who were unlucky in childhood are not able to develop resilience? Of course no. It only means that it is much more difficult for them to form it. And textbooks and trainings designed for the “average person” will not necessarily lead to success. Nevertheless, there are still general rules for the development of resilience in both children and adults. Here they are.
- Get to know the tools of resilience, feel them in yourself. Do not avoid situations that require courage, firmness, perseverance and self-confidence. On the contrary, immerse yourself in similar situations again and again, learn to feel these qualities in yourself and manage them to achieve the best result.
- Learn to deal rationally with negative experiences. Emotions are very important, but too often lead us in the wrong direction – especially when assessing unpleasant events. Try to comprehend both the difficulties and their consequences – at some point this will help to take emotions under control and in a critical situation behave not as fear or confusion dictates, but as the mind advises.
- Rethink your attitude towards your own weaknesses and the failures caused by them. As trite as it sounds, they do contain important lessons. This way, not only will you overcome future problems more easily, but you will also prevent your lack of resilience from being passed on to your children.
- In every possible way encourage perseverance and self-confidence in your child. Not only do not hide him from challenges, but on the contrary, create these challenges for him – naturally, in accordance with his strength and age – and do not skimp on praise for overcoming difficulties.
- Always separate the child’s bad deeds from his personality. Bad behavior requires evaluation, but the child must understand that you are evaluating the act, and not transferring the negative attitude to him. Yes, he can get a deuce or break a vase, but he absolutely should not feel clumsy or stupid because of this and be ashamed of his own personality.
- Teach your child to believe in delayed pleasures and rewards and their value. Understand that rewards don’t always come right away and that you need to keep going after them, even if it’s not easy at the moment.
- And finally, become a role model of self-confidence and resilience. Every day to see a person nearby who is able to overcome difficulties and achieve a goal is much more valuable than all the teachings about how important it is to do this.