Can it be changed online

I also decided to try. I typed the words “Sex” and “Chat” in the search engine and went to the first address in the search results. I even registered, honestly indicating my age, gender, and for the first time in many years measured the main parameters of the figure, chose a certain age category of chatovtsy — not young and not old people — and started hanging out. I do not know which of these parameters seemed particularly attractive, but a minute later I already had four applicants for virtual contact with a detailed description of the pleasures delivered to me. And after another five minutes, I was confused at what stage of achieving orgasm we are with the owner of the nickname Black Magician, and at what stage we are with Bruise, not to mention Lell and corderito. The vocabulary became more and more brutal, the details more and more obscene, and the sent photos of the main participants in the process should have brought me to an ecstatic state. But here I made a faux pas, doubting the true dimensions of one particularly outstanding image. And that’s it, the conversation ended. I allowed myself a couple more ironic remarks and was left without gentlemen. Brutal network machos turned out to be vulnerable, vulnerable people. Everything is like in real life.

At least once a month, 43,3 million Russians go online, approximately 30% of our country’s inhabitants. Every day, 29,4 million of our compatriots* use the network. 12% of all Internet resources are providers of porno information**. Just two or three clicks of the mouse — and we find ourselves in a world where there are no prohibitions. But there is an endless abundance of porn movies, various courses on teaching sexual practices, girls (and boys) for every taste, lovers of group sex … What is there on the shelves of this sexy supermarket! Using the Internet and not being on a porn resource (even without wanting to) is almost impossible today. For those of us who want to add passion to our lives, realize (albeit virtual) our sexual fantasies, chat with an unfamiliar partner under the mask of a nickname, or have a short sexual adventure, the temptations here are endless, and all of them are available at the touch of a button. . But are these contacts so harmless?

New infidelity?

“Recently, my friend and I began to live together, and — oh horror !!! — I found that he constantly visits dating sites and porn sites, — the owner of the nickname Alena82 writes on the forum of our site www.psychologies.ru. — But I’m interested in his sexual fantasies. I could probably accept most of those wishes.» Members of the Internet community responded strongly to this message. “Do the same, you also have the right to fantasize,” writes Miglesha. — His «bump» of vision will quickly change, or at least he will begin to share his desires with you, and then everything is in your hands … «» A familiar story, — says Olga_Olga. — And sad. Break off the relationship if you can. Or be patient. Although for what? One thing I can say is that you can’t fix it.»

And what do men and women feel when they sit at a computer while their partner sleeps in the next room or watches TV? They spend hours browsing dating sites, tirelessly checking email or chatting online. What is this new form of treason? Can it be changed online? “No,” says Nikolai, who has been married for two years. — I never get acquainted in real life with the women I meet in the chat. And when I’m with my wife, I only think about her. “And for me, this is a real betrayal,” MariahDelMar is sure.

Click like treason

Alexander visits porn sites regularly, goes to them for relaxation when his wife is not ready to have sex. He also does not consider his virtual adventures cheating, but admits that he feels embarrassed because he masturbates too often in front of a computer screen. “Of course, we can talk about infidelity here,” says psychotherapist and sexologist Alain Héril. “When one of the partners begins to hide something, devote time to someone else, even through a computer, he weakens the intimate connection with the partner and this deprives the loved one”***. “But to decide whether a “virtual adventure” is cheating or not, still should not be the one who practices such an experience, but the one who does not do it,” says psychoanalyst Loick Roche.

Our experts confirm that more and more men and women during consultations say that their partner spends a lot of time on erotic sites. Men are rather excited by this situation — after all, they seem to penetrate into the secret world of their partner. She touches women, hurts. “They experience it as a real betrayal by Sigmund Freud,” explains Alain Eril, “and begin to imagine that the husband lives a parallel, interesting and fulfilling life, which is much more diverse than the routine life in their couple.”

“More often men visit porn sites, and women talk about it with resentment during consultations,” agrees sexologist Catherine Solano (Catherine Solano). — And this is understandable. For a man, all kinds of erotic pictures are a different world that has nothing to do with his real relationship in a couple, does not affect them. Women, on the contrary, usually live in a single world where everything is intertwined and interconnected.

What causes shame

The fear of being misunderstood forces you to hide your virtual connections. “The sexual topic is one of the most taboo,” writes fws on the forum of our site. — Any misunderstanding, disagreement, jokes are perceived extremely painfully. Therefore, it is safer not to experiment. How to change the situation? Discuss your feelings, open up your experiences, talk about your fears. Basically, talk to each other. Sexologist Sergey Agarkov agrees with him: “If we find our partner or partner engaged in virtual sex, we should not be offended and regard what happened as a betrayal. It’s better to offer to “play Wirth” together, turn an awkward situation into a joke.”

In the closeness of the topic of virtual sex, the fact that orgasm is achieved by masturbation also plays a role. The concept of sin is traditionally associated with this sexual practice, which does not lead to procreation, self-satisfaction is condemned by the church and public morality ****.

Transition to reality

Most users of porn sites and chat rooms do not cross the line and limit their sexual adventures to the world of the Internet. For example, Eugene maintained a relationship with his virtual mistress for a year, but in reality he never saw her. And Andrei, entering the erotic chat, always warns that he is married and is not going to meet, even if he masturbates in front of his webcam, which means in front of other women. “Virtuality gives a sense of security and, of course, frees from feelings of guilt, because it does not involve physical contact,” Alain Eril reflects. — And is it possible to talk about sexuality if there is neither bodily contact nor direct communication? As a result, sex on the Internet most accurately reflects the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbconnection without obligations — sexual fantasies are realized, but in fact a person is left alone with himself all the time. “One of the reasons why they practice sex online is the unfulfillment of many desires,” says Sergey Agarkov. — Communication in real life can be hindered by shyness, imperfect appearance or low social status, complexes and fears. And with a virtual partner, you can really fantasize as much as you like, you can introduce yourself as anyone, feel like the master of the situation. In addition, in order to have virtual sex, you do not need to make any special efforts — make an appointment, break away from your favorite easy chair, get dressed, go to a meeting, buy flowers for a lady, take her to a restaurant, chat, take care of contraceptives. At the same time, it is reassuring to think that you can stop at any time by simply disconnecting the computer from the network …

Thirst for emancipation

“Having sex on the Internet by itself cannot destroy relationships in a couple,” says Sergey Agarkov. “On the contrary, often when sexual relations are deprived of romance and diversity, turn into a ritual, virtual contacts bring sharpness and variety to family sex, sensations and feelings that have not been experienced before.” Maria recalls that, having discovered her husband’s virtual hobbies, she felt the ground slipping from under her feet. “I felt humiliated, as if my husband was actually cheating on me. That evening, I told him everything I thought about it. And then, when my fit of rage passed, we managed to talk frankly. I realized that in twenty-two years of marriage, our sex life literally came to naught. I rarely thought about sex, I did not want to make love. Then, out of curiosity, I decided to register on some of the porn sites he visited. And, oddly enough, I had new desires and fantasies. We wanted to conquer each other again. We were saved by the fact that the love between us was alive. It was necessary to overcome the distance that had arisen, and we went towards each other.

* According to the .RU domain coordination center (www.cctld.ru), 2010.

** J. Ropelato «Internet Pornography Statistics». Internet Filter Review, 2007.

*** A. Heril “Author of Diary of a sexologist” (Courrier du livre, 2003).

**** For more details, see the website psychologies.ru in the «Sexuality» section.