Talk heart to heart with girlfriends in the kitchen, go out of town with a cheerful company, “let off steam” with the men in the bath … Everyone copes with difficulties and experiences in their own way. But is friendly support always enough to solve mental problems? Psychologist Irina Gross tells what group therapy gives and how it differs from a group of friends.
“One hundred percent, even the coolest psychologist will not be able to understand his client. Just some general rules can tell. In general, I believe that any weak person needs a personal psychologist. And good friends and pleasant company are enough for the strong — they sat, talked, drank, in the end, and let go, ”says 48-year-old Roman.
At 32-year-old Irina, almost every “crying in the vest” to her friends turns into irritation, and sometimes a quarrel. “I just need to speak out, and they begin to give advice or tell how they themselves are doing and how well everything is resolved with them. It’s like I’m talking about it all. They have their lives and I have mine. For some time now, I stopped sharing, because I realized that I didn’t need such “help”, and signed up for a therapy group.
“It is difficult to overestimate the influence of society on the formation of each of us. Man is social, along with being individual, separate, unique. A person is born, develops and dies in society, says clinical psychologist Irina Gross. — Usually he is included in several groups with which he identifies himself: the professional community, friends, acquaintances, relatives. The family becomes the main society in a person’s life — this is also a group.
We change, grow up, only by changing roles throughout life: first a child, then an adult, partner, parent, grandmother or grandfather. All these transformations happen to us not in isolation, but in a group of people. It is no coincidence that most of the problems that are addressed to a psychologist relate to communication and social interaction.
“That is why psychological work in a group is most effective. A model of a “mini-society” is being formed in it, where everyone eventually begins to manifest itself as in life. A person can be offended, angry, compete, deceive, take care, sympathize with other members of the group, — explains Irina. — It is in the group that we can discover our patterns, step on the usual rake and ask ourselves: “Do I want to act and feel like this always? Can I change it?
But don’t we do the same in the company of friends, acquaintances and relatives? They will listen, reassure, and everything will pass. “Friends, of course, are needed, but they cannot replace professional psychologists,” Irina Gross is convinced. The specialist suggests considering the difference.
- Friends know us from the cradle, accept us as we are, see us equally familiar.
In the therapeutic group, there is an opportunity to look at oneself from the outside, to observe the manifestation of one’s behavior stereotypes, interaction patterns and scenarios.
- With a friend «warm and comfortable.» We are always «patted on the fur.»
In a group, one has to deal with many different processes, and not always pleasant ones. And through them, learn a lot about yourself.
- Friendship is built on the basis of feelings and life experience (they lived together, rested in the same camp, studied, worked).
A psychotherapy group is a working relationship that is built on the basis of a client’s request.
- We often choose friends based on common interests and similar views on the world. Often friends are close to us in social status. They are safer and more fun.
The group brings together completely different people. As in life, we encounter many people in various situations and we can’t always choose our circle of friends. Group members may have a different opinion, social position and values. By confronting these differences, we develop and train social adaptation. It becomes easier for us to resolve conflicts and remain stable in them. A variety of life experiences enriches. In a group, they learn to feel, understand, accept others, be aware of themselves, broadcast their thoughts and feelings, be tolerant, stable, and resolve interpersonal conflicts.
- Friends know too much about us. They have repeatedly witnessed many events in our lives. Therefore, it is not always useful to share all the experiences with them. Before dumping accumulated feelings on a friend, it would be good to think about how he will live with this further and how this information will affect your relationship. Will he be able to maintain confidentiality, or will he spill the beans?
In a group, close long-term relationships do not form between members, despite the fact that people share deep, intimate experiences. Confidentiality is also respected — this is a strict rule: everything that happens in the group remains in the group. Participants are only allowed to talk about feelings and emotions, but not about the reactions and especially the stories of others.
The therapist will never replace a friend, although such an illusion may arise.
- With friends, they usually discuss the problems of one person, the range of problems is limited. Friends find it difficult to face our strong feelings, it is easier for them to share their own.
In the group, find out the difficulties of each participant. Here, the expression of difficult feelings is encouraged, which are contained and shared with all participants.
- A friend always has advice, a ready-made solution, the best recipe — and try not to accept this advice.
In the group, the responsibility for making decisions lies with each participant, a person learns to make decisions independently. They can share experience, opinions, but no one can impose anything.
- Friends are not trained in «empathic listening», «interruption focus» and other psychological skills that help a person move towards awareness. A friend, at best, will listen, reassure. But the problem will most likely not be resolved. Often in a friendly company we are silent, not because we are listening, but because we are waiting for a pause in order to have time to say something of our own.
In the group, the facilitator creates an atmosphere of security and support in which the process of disclosure, manifestation, «growing up» of the personality, as well as change takes place.
- A friend already knows you, and you know him. From a friend there is a basic feeling of understanding and support.
In a group, you need to get to know each other, look closely, get to know each other. Create a sense of understanding. Often at the beginning of the group it seems: how can these strange strangers be useful to me? But after a while, the participants begin to take care of each other, support, share, the group becomes a place where you are accepted and given the opportunity to be yourself. This is the uniqueness of psychological work in a group. Often, at the end of group therapy, participants emphasize not so much the work of the facilitator as the contribution of other participants.
- Friends, especially those with whom we have been communicating since childhood, become our support, help us grow up, and influence us in many ways throughout our lives. A friend is available, always there.
The psychotherapy group affects the participant for a short time. Meetings are held according to the schedule, by prior arrangement, in a certain place, for a fee. It turns out a sort of support on schedule, which does not suit everyone.
In each of these support options, as we can see, there are pros and cons. We need friends for simple human informal communication. “Sometimes you just want someone to just hug you, give you a gift, invite you to the movies, gossip. How great it is to gather friends, feed a delicious dinner and share the good news. And sometimes you want to complain and be yourself: with whom to do it, if not with a friend, — sums up Irina Gross. — The therapist will never replace a friend, although such an illusion may arise. I had clients who wanted to be friends with me. But friendship and psychotherapy are incompatible things.”
People turn to a psychotherapeutic group to improve the quality of life, develop communication and relationship building skills, and get through a difficult period. Finally, for personal growth. Having solved the problem, the person leaves. Friends are with us for a long time, sometimes for decades, and sometimes for life. Isn’t it wonderful?