Can emotional burnout lead to cheating?

ordinary story

«Sick of all. I don’t have the strength to deal with either work or home issues, says Dmitry. “I feel like a slug that needs to be kicked.” I don’t care for my sons. I resolve only those issues that need to be addressed, but I don’t do anything beyond that.

Dmitry is 39 years old, he has his own small business, wife and children. He came to me with the request «burnout» and wanted to discuss how he could get rid of this condition, become productive, disciplined and full of energy again.

Dmitry shares that now he has no desire to engage in business development, but he must, because there are obligations to partners. When asked what he is doing instead, the entrepreneur chuckles and, a little ashamed, says that «especially nothing.» YouTube, games, news reading.

As a male psychologist and specialist in discipline, I solve issues related to self-organization, so Dmitry came to me to figure it out. It would seem that the classic picture — «a man lies on the couch.» There is not enough motivation and strength to force oneself to do something, the wife is unhappy, the children are unattended. But I was convinced that it was not a matter of discipline or lack of desire.

When the client left a request for a consultation and wrote in the questionnaire: “Everything is tired, there are no strengths,” I already knew what was the matter. After listening to the entrepreneur’s story and asking a series of clarifying questions, I was finally convinced of my guess and asked: “What is your relationship with your wife?”

Dmitry looked to the side, sighed and said that «everything is very complicated.» Then he began to tell: “You see, she is a very good person, a wonderful mother, a reliable partner who will support me, but she does not attract me as a woman.” When I clarified whether he meant the sexual sphere, Dmitry nodded slightly. “So you don’t sleep with her?” I clarified. Another nod.

«Are you cheating on your wife?» was my last question. I really hoped that the answer would be honest. Dmitry answered without hesitation: «Of course.» He had a mistress with whom he had good periodic sex, and Dmitry was completely satisfied with this.

He was sincerely convinced that he was in a stalemate: he could not get a divorce, because his wife was a “good person”, and he would also destroy relations with children whom he wished happiness (here, of course, he is mistaken, and I will return to this later ). But he is not ready to leave his mistress either, because it is good with her, while sex with his wife has long become insipid, and emotional intimacy has come to naught.

Emotional burnout

It’s time to figure out what burnout actually is. Even at the everyday level, it is clear that this is a state of lack of strength, when the body has so little energy that it is barely enough to maintain the necessary functions, such as doing a minimum of work, but no more.

There is a more important question that we need an answer to: where does this energy go?

If we take a healthy person who does not have critical hormonal disruptions, then it turns out that in the morning the body must produce enough energy so that it is enough for all things, as well as for dreams, desires and attempts to improve one’s life. So where does she go?

Psychoanalysis has an answer to this question: energy is constantly spent on the conflict between our desires (“ego”) and rational attitudes, morality and norms (“superego”), or, more simply, between “I want” and “need”.

If we invest more energy in what we want, we feel satisfied and fulfilled. If we invest more energy in what we need, then the «return» of investments is small or absent: we just get tired and say to ourselves «it was necessary.»

For example, a person wants to be an artist, but is forced to work as an engineer because he has an engineering education. Another dreams of quitting a job he hates and starting his own business, but is afraid of failure. Or our Dmitry, who wants to get a divorce and be with his mistress, but is forced to live with his wife for the sake of the family. As a result, we get more and more tired.

In parallel with the inefficient investment of forces, we constantly reflect on the current situation and spend the last energy on throwing, what to do in the end — A or B. And the longer the conflict exists, the more resources it takes away and the further it goes into the unconscious, because » it hurts” and “itches”, but you don’t want to think about problems.

You can imagine an aching tooth that is inflamed, but we all put off going to the doctor until it results in the need to extract and spend a lot of money on implants.

«Search a woman»

My experience of working with men allowed me to formulate a simple law: a man’s relationship with his woman (women) is always a reflection of his inner state.

Burnout, depression and other serious emotional experiences of a man are associated with his wife, mistresses or mother, with whom there are open serious conflicts or smoldering and tucked away problems. These problems and conflicts have one thing in common — the man refuses to resolve them and prefers to turn a blind eye to what is happening.

Relationship with a woman is a «role-playing» of the emotional and the rational. As a rule, a woman becomes a source of “desires”, changes in the family, and they want decisions from a man: does he agree, is he ready to do this. And depending on what decisions a man makes, this will be the outcome.

• A woman wants warmth and sex, to deal with problems, but a man refuses to make contact, runs away to work or computer games. Their relationship cools down, a man or a woman finds partners on the side.
• The wife wants rules and order in the house, so that shoes, dishes, things are in their places, so that the children are obedient, but the man refuses to set the rules and follow them, he himself ignores the requests of his wife, so she has to control the order. The admiration and respect of the wife for her husband is falling, because as an adult man, he cannot be the “head of the family”, and she has to perform this function.
• A woman asks a man to do repairs or go on a trip together, but the man says that he is already doing well or that he has no money, but does not change his job. The smoldering long-term conflict leads to the fact that the wife ceases to respect the man, he feels humiliation and hatred for himself and his wife.
• The situation is similar with a mother: if a mother puts pressure on a man, wants him to obey, fulfill her requirements, interferes in his life with his wife and the upbringing of children, and an adult son cannot rigidly formulate his position, defend his interests, then the conflict becomes smoldering, growing anger and resentment.

Now back to work and other conflicts. How does this relate to women? A man who cannot resolve conflicts within the family brings them into his business life. If he avoids pressure from a woman and does not know how to defend himself, he will also avoid pressure from management, will silently sabotage work, instead of going into open conflict and defending his position.

If he cannot make a firm decision whether he is ready to change jobs, he will endure and sit in one place for years, despising himself, colleagues and superiors. All these conflicts have one thing in common — a man suffers humiliation and suffering, because he is not ready to solve protracted conflicts, avoiding them.

This leads to exhaustion and burnout, because where will the forces come from if the conflicts are not resolved?

How to deal with this?

1.A man needs to make a list of «emotional debts» — that is, problems that have long required attention, which he promised to solve for himself or his wife. Deal with repairs, travel, rules in the house. The wife can help him with this and share which of the problems, in her opinion, are the most unpleasant and painful. You need to start with them.

2.If he rushes between two or more women, it is necessary to firmly choose one and stop communicating with others. Divorce if necessary, because children will never be better off in a cold family where a man and a woman do not love each other and do not sleep together. Or vice versa — to leave his mistress and firmly decide to improve relations with his wife. The wife and mistress, for their part, should also help the man to be more firm, expressing his position: “Either I, or she, and you need to decide immediately.”

3. It is important to deal with the relationship with the mother or mother-in-law. If she interferes in his life, breaking boundaries, it is necessary to establish clear rules, which he will jealously follow and not forgive violations. For example, if a mother or mother-in-law tries to raise her grandchildren differently, say that if this continues, she will not be allowed to see them. Tough but fair. Here, the spouse will also be able to help and share what hurts and worries her.

No matter how cynical it may sound, relationships with women are a complex, but the most effective simulator for eliminating protracted conflicts and energy “eaters”. If a man learns to resolve disputes and problems with his wife, mother or mother-in-law, if there is peace and tranquility in his relationship, he will be able to easily resolve all other problems and burnout will be removed as if by hand.