“Smart ugly girl”, “beautiful dummy”… Often we see exactly such images on the screens and no less often we hear real stories about such characters from friends and relatives. Why is the stereotype that a woman can be either smart or beautiful still alive? And what happens when an “ideal” nevertheless appears next to us? Psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova answers.
Everyone seems to have understood for a long time: intelligence and beauty are relative and not directly related to either career growth, or family happiness, or satisfaction with life in general.
But, contrary to common sense, we absolutize them and place them on opposite sides of the barricades: “It’s good to look at a handsome man, but it’s easy to live with a smart one”; «The beauty of the mind will not give»; «The face is white, but the mind is small.» Even in fairy tales there is Vasilisa (Elena) the Wise and another — the Beautiful. They are both sweet and smart, and yet they are two different women. Why are mind and beauty two poles for us?
“Being smart and beautiful at the same time is like having both sexes,” notes psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. — After all, beauty is a socially encouraged sign of a woman, femininity. And the mind is a socially encouraged sign of a man. A woman who claims both, as if declares her omnipotence. And thus causes general indignation, because it encroaches on the identity of both men and women.
So, in a man, a smart beauty causes castration anxiety. Because the mind is an important attribute of his potency and power, which the woman seems to be trying to take away from him. He would prefer her to be only beautiful.»
As for women, the clash with the «ideal» often threatens their picture of the world and a holistic perception of themselves. After all, most of us build our identity, guided by the principle of reality. Sooner or later we give up the childish faith in our omnipotence and accept our imperfections, compensate for them by recognizing our features and talents. And we can think about ourselves, for example, like this: “Well, yes, I’m not beautiful, but I’m sensitive, understanding, with a good sense of humor.”
Those who are categorically incapable of accepting their difference from the ideal are forced to resort to tough defenses when meeting with it.
And suddenly a «star» appears in our environment — beautiful, witty, alive. Its perfections can make us feel not good enough, rejected by everyone. And you have to re-assemble yourself, build your identity.
“Those who are categorically unable to accept their difference from the ideal, who are too keen on conflicts and feel the threat of rejection (usually these are people with a borderline personality state), are forced in such a situation to resort to tough defenses — denial and splitting,” the psychoanalyst comments. “It is they who say: “A smart woman cannot be beautiful, and it’s better to be considered an intellectual, because beautiful people are all fools.” This allows them to shield themselves from unbearable experiences, avoid anxiety and preserve their identity.
Each of us, in one way or another, uses soft defense mechanisms when meeting with other people’s perfections. We tell ourselves: yes, this person is beautiful, but we also have our attractive sides. “Not every woman is born beautiful, but if she has not become so by the age of 30, she is stupid,” Coco Chanel once said about this.
Beauty and intelligence are in the awareness of one’s individuality and the ability to emphasize it. Such a view allows you to accept the reality of your imperfect «I» and abandon this conditional dichotomy.